Calle 13 Puns

A moo-derer

Here are 20 of the most popular dad jokes, which you can draw from in emergency situations where you quickly need a good dad joke:

1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
   Because they make up everything.
2. I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
   I lost my case.
3. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
   I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
4. Where are average things manufactured?
   The satisfactory.
5. What did one hat say to the other?
   You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
6. What do you call a magic dog?
   A labracadabrador.
7. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
   This tastes a little funny.
8. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
   In case she needed to draw blood.
9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
   It’s okay, he woke up.
10. Can February march?
    No, but April may.
11. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
12. What did the ocean say to the shore?
    Nothing, it just waved.
13. Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.
    It could spell disaster.
14. When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.
    Nobody knew why.
15. Where do you find a cow with no legs?
    Right where you left it.
16. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    They don’t meet the koalafications.
17. Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
    They each got six months.
18. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
    Bison.
19. What do you call a fake noodle?
    An impasta.
20. What do you call a woman with one leg?
    Eileen.

NB: I curated these from a much longer list that was published by Reader's Digest, which is also why you see many of these appear regularly in this sub.

A rainshield? she said.

Nope... an umbrella.

True story. Just happened.

Here's another 20 of the most popular dad jokes, geared for emergency situations where you quickly need a good dad joke.

1. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
   He was just going through a stage.
2. I invented a new word!
   Plagiarism.
3. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
   Make me one with everything.
4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
   Aye matey.
5. How does a rabbi make his coffee?
   Hebrews it.
6. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
   “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
7. What do you get from a pampered cow?
   Spoiled milk.
8. How do you make a tissue dance?
   Put a little boogie in it.
9. Two artists had an art contest.
   It ended in a draw.
10. What did one traffic light say to the other?
    Stop looking! I’m changing!
11. I have a fear of speed bumps.
    But I am slowly getting over it.
12. Rest in peace to boiling water.
    You will be mist.
13. What’s Forest Gump’s password?
    1Forest1.
14. What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
    The space bar.
15. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
    A chicken sees a salad.
16. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
    There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
17. How do you throw a space party?
    You planet.
18. A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
    “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
19. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
    All of the fans left.
20. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
    Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

NB: I curated these from a much longer list that was published by Reader's Digest, which is also why you see many of these appear regularly in this sub.

Here are 20 more of the most popular dad jokes, for emergency situations where you quickly need a good dad joke:

1. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
   The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
2. I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
   I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
3. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
   A receding hare-line.
4. What do you call a cow with two legs?
   Lean beef.
5. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
   Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
6. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
   They always take things literally.
7. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
   Between you and me, something smells.
8. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
   Because the “P” is silent.
9. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
   I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"
10. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
    He just needed a little space.
11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.
12. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
    Re-Morse code.
13. Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
    They dribble all the time.
14. I poured root beer in a square glass.
    Now I just have beer.
15. What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
    A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
16. The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
    And 21.
17. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
    A chew-chew train.
18. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
    Envelope.
19. Why is England the wettest country?
    Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
20. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
    Because he was a little horse.

NB: I curated these from a much longer list that was published by Reader's Digest, which is also why you see many of these appear regularly in this sub.

A quaranteen

A Qur'anteen

The Copyreich.

A Daycare's Buzzin'

Quaranteens!

A K19!

As a non-native speaker I was kinda proud when I came up with this one.

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

My parents In Wisconsin are Nana and Papa, named by older cousins, but my kids are the oldest on my wife’s side, so now all 13 of their grandkids call her parents Mimi and Lefty. Mimi isn’t a joke name, but I do like that it’s close to the name of where they live,Miami. When Lefty asked “why Lefty?”, I told him because Papa in Wisconsin is North Pa, that means being all the way at the tip of Florida makes him South Pa.

And in 13 years they will all be called quaran-teens.

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

My 13 year old daughter's new boyfriend is named Brennan.

I keep calling him Brendon.

Every time, she replies "Dad, there is no D! It's BRENNAN. NO D! Got it?!?"

And I am just thinking to myself "Good, Good...let's keep it that way."

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

It's called 13 raisins why!

I was told this belonged here..

When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"

After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

1. Star Trek

2. Nailin' The Kelvin

3. Labor Of Love

4. Hella Bar Talk

5. Enterprising Young Men

6. Nero Sighted

7. Nice To Meld You

8. Run And Shoot Offense

9. Does It Still McFly?

10. Nero Death Experience

11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

12. Back From Black

13. That New Car Smell

14. To Boldly Go

15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

3. Sub Prime Directive

4. London Calling

5. Meld-Merized

6. The Kronos Wartet

7. Brigadoom

8. Ship To Ship

9. Earthbound And Down

10. Warp Core Values

11. Buying The Space Farm

12. The San Fran Hustle

13. Kirk Enterprises

14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

1. Logo and Prosper

2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

3. Night on the Yorktown

4. The Dance of the Nebula

5. A Swarm Reception

6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

7. Jaylah Damage

8. In Artifacts as in Life

9. Franklin, My Dear

10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

11. MotorCycles of Relief

12. Mocking Jaylah

13. Crash Decisions

14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

15. Shutdown Happens

16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

17. Par-tay for the Course

18. Star Trek Main Theme

I said to my 13 year old. He's at that age when he is starting to think he knows everything because he knows why salt makes ice melt.

He knows I'm a teetotaler.

"What do you know about making drinks?" he says sneeringly.

"I know how to make some drinks."

"Like what?"

"I know how to make rum and coke. I know how to make gin and tonic. I know how to make Shirley Temples."

There is a snort there.

"I know how to make vodka cranberries. I know how to make margaritas. I know how to make red wine."

He finishes the fries he is eating at the counter island in the kitchen and starts to head out of the room.

"Do you know how to make a red wine?" I call after him.

He turns around and looks at me, still chewing.

"How"

"Tell them about 1991."

"What?"

"That is when the Soviet Union fell, all the reds were whining."

True story.

My whole family is very, very white.

So my brother and I are at an NHL hockey game. I forget who was playing. My brother and I had gone to get some snacks are where trying to get my dads attention. We called his name, we waved, we screamed, we screeched, and nothing would get his attention. Finally we determined that we get his attention by calling the pet name he used for us when we were getting into mischief.

... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... COTTONPICKER!!!

At that moment 3 huge black guys turned around. I wondered for a second why they looked like they wanted to murder us. I had never actually parsed the word cottonpicker before; but in the second second I did. Took till the third second until I realized the rascist connotations of that term, and why 3 huge black guys might have some ill will towards us for screaming it so flippantly. I can only imagine how my 13 year old eyes looked as I processed this information. By the forth second I had grabbed my brother and we were running. We didn't stop for 10 minutes. We couldn't go back to our seats for the whole game since these guys were sitting right behind us.

After the game I let my father know how pissed at him I was.

TLDR: Dads don't have rascist pet names for your kids; you may get them killed.