a guy goes to the store, buys some milk, goes home and drinks it and gets really sick to his stomach. The next day he goes back all angry to the store with his empty milk carton. He tells the clerk, hey I bought milk from you it made me really sick. It says Lactose Free but there is clearly lactose!
The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"
My wife’s mad at me because I never buy her flowers.
I never even knew she sold them.
Why would I buy a horse that won’t tell me the truth?
IRL post. My wife and I are looking to buy a swing for our son's 1st birthday. She tells me all the features and says to me it's £60 with delivery and I say....
"I think we can swing that"
Proudest dad joke yet as it flowed so naturally
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Someone asked me to buy a new barbecue at the supermarket
And if they have sausages bring six.
So I got back with six barbecues.
My wife told me "buy loaf of bread and if there are eggs buy twelve"
So I bought 12 loaves of bread.
Elton John rang me this morning & asked if I wanted to buy a Rolls Royce.
I asked what reg?
So he shouted DO YOU WANT TO BUY A ROLLS ROYCE?!
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
I thought my wife would buy me something to protect my phone for my birthday
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, I’d get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
So I asked the employee if I could see the clock for sale, so she gave it to me. I asked my dad if I could buy it.
My dad said “we don’t have Time for that, we’re gonna leave any Second now, so Hand it back to the lady and head back to Hour car”
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
A friend of mine told me he was looking to buy stock in Bose.
I told him it would be a sound investment.
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Somebody told me to buy a Ford mustang
I told them it was una-ford-able
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here."
Dad: "Why?"
Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...
For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!
My daughter asked me to buy post it notes because we were out...
I told her to write it on a sticky note so I'd remember
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13
He sure does enjoy giving freebees
My Fiancée was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I asked my dad if he could buy me a pocket calculator.
He said, “Why? You don’t know how many pockets you have?”
A man just made me an offer to buy speakers with no volume controls.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase.
" Dad can you buy me an Xbox ?"
Dad " i"ll buy you ABox first then you work your way to ZBox"
Me- Are you going to buy some land? Gf's dad: "No, no.. A lot."
Me- YOU'RE GOING TO BUY A LOT OF LAND??
I crack myself up.
Dad was too cheap to buy weed killer, so he made us kids jump on weeds to control them. He always told me:
Only you can stamp out domestic violets.
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.
On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.
“Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.
Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
Me: When I went to buy hotdogs on Memorial Day weekend they were all gone except these little ones.
My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.
My friend said "You should buy me those clogs"
I said "You'd like that wooden shoe?"
My good mate asked me if robotic vacuum cleaners are any good, as she wants to buy one.
I told her; "Don't bother buying one, they suck"
My wife asked me to buy a new stereo system for the living room
It was a sound investment
My kid wanted me to buy this poster of Bambi and his mum.
...
but I said it was too deer.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I never buy her flowers.
I didn't even know she sold flowers.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn't know she sold flowers
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
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