Names, success/failure, reason for such.
I hope I didn't leave anyone out!
Sexually rejected by not one, but TWO future clown college students
Conan O'Brian (Liz and Conan both became sexually active at 25 years of age, were supposed to lose their virginity to one another, never consummated)
Dennis (first time intercourse plans delayed due to baseball-to-groin injury on Valentine's Day)
Gretchen Thomas (never consummated because lesbian)
Gray "The Hair" (never consummated because of danger of genetic inbreeding)
Floyd DeBarber (Liz fired girlfriend then almost immediately wolfed his teamster sub + ended because he made a flee to The Cleve)
Steven Black (made out with him in the cab, only because she hates him but didn't want to seem racist; later shoots him)
Grizz (they really are the Sam and Dianne of 30 Rock)
Jamie Hamilton (unclear if consummated due to age difference/oedipal complex/Jamie-curious Frank interference)
Stewart LaGrange (unclear if consummated due to Liz coming out wrong + Stewart's problematic ignorance regarding Sex & The City canon)
Gavin Volure (never consummated; therapeutic boob holding)
Brad Halster (got "The Business" in the top, front quadrant; allowed to say one weird thing; later required psychoanalysis)
Dr. Drew Baird (so stupid and just as bad at sex as Liz, however did have full use of both hands at the time)
Pete Hornburger (suspected of intercoursing each other by writing staff, never proven)
James Franco (was not able to maintain physical relationship due to threesome clause + he being an even bigger perv than Dennis)
Ritchie Mondzztrmmmen?* Tamudo (never consummated due to Ritchie being in love with Donna Strunk + needing to save dating money for that water bed)
Danny Baker (unclear if consummated, mostly kissed with thin lips that's made up for with tongue girth + 70s bi-cultural highway justice cosplay, knee-play fetish)
Wesley Snipes (never consummated due to the fact that they profoundly hate each other, incompatible face shapes and cuisine preferences)
Carol Burnett (successful for short time, however failed due to vagina blockage + relationship being double edged sword + sky law)
Anders, Swiss gigolo recommended by Martha Stewart (potentially consummated, single whirlwind kiss in dirty allyway)
Thad "Skin Tab Lad" Warmald (never consummated, due to Liz being some kind of intercourse monster + hot bitches)
Criss Chros (consummated and by all signs is still a successful
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The search for a Victorian teenager last seen in floodwaters in southeast Queensland is continuing in an area police say looks like a "war zone".
Krystal Cain became separated from her father after their car became submerged in floodwaters near Booubyjan, northwest of Gympie, about 3am on Saturday.
Emergency services and volunteers in helicopters, boats, trail bikes, 4WD vehicles and on horseback have been looking for the 14-year-old.
The extensive search was continuing slowly in an "incredibly dangerous" environment, Gympie Patrol Group Inspector and District Disaster Coordinator Paul Algie said on Thursday.
Insp Algie told reporters it was admirable community members wanted to help, but asked for the search to be left to trained experts.
"We have experienced searchers already succumbing to heat stress, leg and ankle injuries due to the difficult terrain," he said.
"Just driving along the Burnett Highway towards Booubyjan looked like a war zone."
There was damaged infrastructure, dead livestock, fences down, large piles of debris and crashed and submerged vehicles.
The search was in an area within a 10 kilometre radius from where Krystal was last seen and would continue over days and weeks, with officers holding grave fears for the teenager who had disappeared "without a trace".
"We will change, as time goes on, the way we search, but no officers, nobody who's attached to this search will be giving up," Insp Algie added.
"We will just continue as we can access different areas and using different strategies to try and find this child."
Bauple farmer Steve Bottcher, 52, and a 22-year-old Sunshine Coast man died in the floods after ex-cyclone Seth dumped more than half a metre of rain on the Wide Bay-Burnett region.
There were tributes for Mr Bottcher after the father-of-five was swept away when his boat capsized on his property on Monday night.
"Steve was a very fun loving man who was always up for a yarn and some coldies," friend Haelee Faithfull wrote on a GoFundMe page set up to help pay for funeral costs.
North Burnett acting mayor Robbie Radel said the area will struggle to recover.
"More or less the entire community of Dallarnil has been inundated, with a house outside town washed away with a man and two dogs inside,
... keep reading on reddit ➡Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
This is literally me just needing to rant because I have nowhere and no one else I can talk to about this. It’s long as fuck and I’ve spent the past few days writing it. And I’m posting it because idk why but I feel like I really need to do I’m going to. If it brakes the rules just let me know. Otherwise if you can make it threw this whole read you truely are a champion. I do love to write so I’m always open to constructive criticism. And if you think ima. Shit person for anything in this well idk what you tell you. I’m genuinely glad that your a better person then me then keep doing what your doing. And set an example for us old fools. I started to edit it to make it an easy read but I’m not feeling to good it’s almost feeling like an Er trip night. So sorry it’s so all over the place and just crazy unorganized. If it helps anyone then awesome. If it doesn’t then we’ll hopefully it was entertaining.
Back in 08 ‘ish before oxy did a magic trick and turned into fentenyl and before op’s (the none smokable script from what I heard existed at least I quit right before I started hearing about those) I was in high school and selling weed/ecstasy/cocaine whatever I could get my hands on that wasn’t meth or heroin cuz I could neveerrr do those those were to much to far (HA! I’d kick my own ass now) I’d spend my days driving around my small town with with my friends. Now I always liked opiates with the few times I had experience with them. Mostly a lot of 512s because I preferred them over the pure percs to snort because they got me higher I felt like and the drip was soooo delicious. So naturally anytime someone offered me a pill well who am I to say no that’s just rude. I remember one night one of my best friends brothers had a giant bottle of Darvacet. We were drink in and doing coke and it seemed like every 15 minutes he was like hey want a pill. N I obliged. I was probably 20 deep maybe more and finally took some ecstasy. Good ol mid 2000s pill press shit. Green ladies. Now My testers said it was bad shit and had promethazine or something else that had a bad reaction (those pills caused a lot of drama ) so I decided to try them myself to verify this. Of course my dumbass picked that night. So about half an 18 rack 20 ish darvacet a gram or two of coke in I took two of them at a party by the river. I literally felt the entire universe vibrate and not in a good way. People started boiling river water in a camp fire in cut in half Busch’s cans they’d use the
... keep reading on reddit ➡
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Put it on my bill
Calcium, nickel, neon
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
I think this was a fairly popular TV show or Movie in the last 5-10 years. A man and woman (I think they're a couple) go to rob a small highway diner. After tying up the owner/workers more customers start showing up and the thieves have to pretend they simply work there. More and more people show up and they end up being naturally a good short order cook and waitress, even using the "lingo" while shouting orders back and forth to each other (even though they have no idea what they're saying, they both seem to get it). Definitely played for laughs and I believe one of the first customers that comes in is a cop.
Edit: Turns out it was an episode of Dharma & Greg, so I was about 10 years off and misremembered their reason for being at the diner. Seems to be a common trope going back at least as far as Carol Burnett. Thank you everyone for your suggestions, I found several new movies to watch.
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
Or would that be too forward thinking?
At work, I have a workstation.
edit: cheers u/cheer_up_richard
I’m stumped.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
