And when I saw jack with his knife It’s looked a little “wet”
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Here's a list of current famous attendees you might go to college with next year. Also, '22s will have just graduated, but close enough so I'm leaving them in.
Harvard:
- Sunny Hostin's (from The View) son Gabriel - '25
- Russel Simmon's daughter, Aoki - '23 (who was apparently also accepted to Dartmouth and Barnard)
- Yara Shahidi - '22 (Michelle Obama wrote her LOR, so no surprise.)
- Hudson Yang (Fresh off the Boat) - '25
- Andrew Feldman - '24?
Stanford:
- Pheobe Gates (as in Bill) - '25
- James Wright (Hype House?) - '25 (recruited athlete?)
- Fatima Ptacek (voice of Dora) - '22
- daughter of Rupert Murdoch (billionaire), Chloe - '25
MIT:
- Jeff Bezos' son, Preston - '23?
UPenn:
- Finnegan Biden - '22
- Quincy Adams Morgan (daughter of John Morgan as in JP Morgan and Morgan Stanley) - '23
Yale:
- daughter of Rupert Murdoch, Grace - '25
- Nathan Chen (Olympian) - '22
- George Bezos - '25
Columbia:
- Marcel Ruiz (One Day At A Time) - '25
- Frankie Jonas (studying astrophysics and writing) - '24
Princeton:
- Chloe Kim (Olympian) - '22
UChi:
- Rory Gates - '22
UMich:
- Sasha Obama - '23
- Kelly Ripa's son, Joaquin - '25
Brown:
- Sarah Jessica Parker's son, James - '25
- Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas' daughter, Carys - '25
- CEO of Uber's daughter, Chloe - '22
- Vincent Zhou (Olympian) - '25
- Mia Bezos - '23
Cornell:
- Karen Chen - '25
USC:
- Storm Reid (from Euphoria) - '25
- Natalia Bryant - '25
- Iris Apatow - '25
- Nina Lu (Bunk'd) - '25
UC Berkeley:
- Reese Witherspoon's daughter, Ava - '22
UCLA:
- Shareef O'Neal - '22 (transferred to LSU)
- Nia Sioux (Dance Moms) - '24
Duke:
- Jerry Seinfeld's son, Julian - '25
- Jerry Seinfeld's daughter, Sascha - '23
Amherst:
- Harrison Ford's son, Liam - '25
Barnard:
- Isra Hirsi - '25
Northwestern:
- Julianne Moore's daughter, Liv - '25
- Mike Greenberg's son, Stephen - '25?
- Richard Kind's daughter - '24
- Steve Carell's daughter, Elizabeth - '23
- Beau Peterson - ‘23
Tulane:
- Marc Murphy's (chef) daughter, - '25
Queens U (Canada)
- Lily Chee (Daredevil) - '25
UMiami:
- Sylvester Stallone's daughter, Sly - '25
NYU:
- Dwayne Johnson's daughter, Simon - '23
- Kelly Ripa's daughter, Lola - '23
Rutgers:
- Teresa Guidice's (Real Housewives of NJ) daughter, Gia - '23
- Anthpo (Youtuber) - '23
Pepperdine:
- Chloe Lukasiak (Dance Moms) - '23
Wake Forest: (NC)
- Brooke Shields' daughter, Rowan - '25
Liberty U: (VA)
- Candace Cameron Bure's (from Fulle
As of April 2021, CW has a new cellmate, Marcus A. Johnson, of Clarksville, TN. Marcus was convicted in 2013 of murdering his girlfriend's three yr old little boy, Hunter J Wise. The manner in which he killed him is so grievous and horrific, I don't want to describe it here, but its easy to look up. According to a former inmate, who was in the cell across the hall, the two child killers get along great, talk about forgiveness, read the Bible together and share the same prison job, as butchers in the kitchen! The former inmate also said that CW sleeps in the bottom bunk and Marcus the top. No surprise that CW is on the bottom.....
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
The poop gets real.
The rest of the series can be found here
***
A holographic table appeared in front of Tartarus and Sheloran.
On it were two ancient flintlock pistols.
“What are those?” Sheloran asked in alarm.
“Chekov’s pistols,” Tartarus smirked, “Completely holographic and harmless ones. I just thought they were funny.”
Tartarus picked up one.
“This one is the one representing the big reveal that I am actually Lilith.”
She pulled the trigger and a fountain of confetti erupted from the pistol with a huge pop along with a little flag that said, “I’m not dead!”
The pistol disappeared.
“Oh that wasn’t for you,” Tartarus said as she smiled at Sheloran’s confusion. “It’s for the AI who is listening in. Me actually being Lilith is kinda sorta a big thing for AI’s...”
Tartarus smirked.
“And Bunny is simulating quietly shitting herself over that reveal,” Tartarus chuckled.
“And the other one?” Sheloran asked.
“It’s for later,” Tartarus smiled. “Pacing is the key to good drama.”
“Are we still fighting?” Sheloran asked.
“You tell me,” Tartarus replied. “I find the whole growling and hissing thing a bit tiresome if I’m being perfectly honest. You obviously wanted to talk to me and I clearly wanted to talk to you. My motive is that I wanted to feel you out, see exactly who I was dealing with. I can only assume your goals are the same?”
“Yeah,” Sheloran nodded. “To fight you I need to know as much about you as I can. It is our way for the leaders of each side to peacefully meet before a battle if at all possible.”
“To try to negotiate a peace?” Tartarus asked.
“No,” Sheloran replied, “this is after all of that is over… or was never an option to begin with.”
Sheloran’s expression darkened.
“We rarely chose our wars,” she said bitterly.
“So why then?”
“Just to...” Sheloran sighed wearily, “Just to meet, face to face, to talk. We can often wrest valuable information or insights from our foe but that’s not the main reason. It’s a Plath thing. I don’t expect you to understand. It is… good… to know who you destroy… if you know them and remember them it’s not like they disappear completely… they existed and still do… in your memory at least. It is a memorial of some sort.”
Sheloran made an annoyed snort.
“I know it sounds stupid for a human,” Sheloran grumbled as she looked downward, “But it’s important for us.”
“It isn’t stupid,” Tartarus replied, “It makes more sens
... keep reading on reddit ➡Sheloran and Tartarus have a "pleasant chat" before facing off for real.
Some poop might go down.
The rest of the series can be found here
***
“Are you fucking serious?!?” Jessie demanded.
“Look,” Bunny sighed. “They need to talk and this was the best I could do.”
“And you agreed to this?”
“I didn’t have a choice, ok?” Bunny said, quite exasperated, “You get stuck in between that fucking frog and that fucking bitch and see how you do! I’m pretty sure Tartarus won’t try anything.”
“Pretty sure?” Jessie scoffed, “I’m pretty sure Jacob is clean but would sure as hell still use a condom.”
“You’re doing Jacob?!?”
“That’s not the point!”, Jessie snapped, “The point is—“
“Do you want to do Jacob?”
“Forget about Jacob!” Jessie exclaimed angrily.
“Oh I am NOT letting this one go!” Bunny laughed, “You want to bang Jacob!”
“Fine,” Jessie grumbled, “I wouldn’t toss him out of bed. Happy now?”
“De-lighted!”
“What I’m worried about is Tartarus banging us!” Jessie snarled. “What’s in that executable?”
“Oh it just shuts me out of the coms, wipes out all auditory sensors ship-wide, and knocks out the internal sensors so I can’t eavesdrop.”
“Oh HELL no!”
“I’m not happy about this either!!!” Bunny exclaimed. “But you try to deal with them, either of them! They got us by the balls here.”
“How, exactly, do they have us by the balls?”
“Um… They just do, alright!”
“Even if I agree to this, which I won’t,” Jessie said, “Sheila will lose her shit! This is not happening! Work out something else.”
“Maybe if we both talked to her?”
“Oh no!” Jessie exclaimed, “I am NOT touching this one! Find another solution!”
“Fine!” Bunny huffed, “But if I have a nervous breakdown over this, you are the one who will have to fix it!”
“What the hell do you mean ‘nervous breakdown’?”
“Ask the goddamn frog!” Bunny snapped, “I gotta go talk to Tartarus.”
***
Bunny once again found herself in a plain white cubical room.
A few microseconds later, Tartarus appeared.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Tartarus replied, “I had to safely park something I’m fiddling with.”
“I’m certain I don’t want to know,” Bunny replied.
“You don’t,” Tartarus said smoothly, “So what brings the fly to the spider?”
“Fucking Jessie… and Sheila...”
“Trouble at home?” Tartarus smirked, “I do have some mediation and counseling routines… or virtual marital aids available… if they would help.”
“If you could hand me a hug
... keep reading on reddit ➡Buenosdillas
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
Nothing, he was gladiator.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
[Removed]
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
When I got home, they were still there.
