What do you call a pregnant person in a suit of armour?

Bump in the knight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What happened when the geese fell down stairs?

They all got goose bumps.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperGrandPatzer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.

Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjalord25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Sounds fishy

What did the fish say afer bumping into a wall

Damn

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b3ni3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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At the store, my daughter found a shirt she liked on clearance. My wife asked her how much it cost.

I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."

My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AuthorScottClark
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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A guy at school kept hitting me with poultry...

I got goose bumps

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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A drunk man eating chips wanders into a monastery

While wandering around he bumps into a old man in robes cooking.

With a grin the drunk man asks β€œAre you the fish friar?”

β€œNo brother” he replied β€œI’m the chip monk”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exhious
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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A blind and deaf man listens to braille music for the first time.

He says: β€œThis shit bumps!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frenchiest_Fry_59
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I’m sorry for this

What did the hungry horse say to the man that bumped into him? β€œHay now”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/googleimages7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Massive Headache

I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.

Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.

We still laugh about that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jocsot101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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How do you slow down a drug dealer?

Speed bumps

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Red_Mailbox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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An older gentleman got me in Wal-Mart

I was coming around a corner and almost bumped my cart into his

Me: Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, sir!

Him: It's okay, I have cart insurance!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImClaytor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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I rented a bulldozer

to get rid of all the small bumps and hills in my garden.

When i was done, it was even worse then before..

I cant even

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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I cracked my skull on a bookcase today.

It was an accident, but when a relative saw the bump she tried to counsel me about shelf harm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeckerPagoda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Why doesn’t the duck get scared?

Because he can’t get goose-bumps.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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My wife can't stop twerking.

I don't mean she's addicted to it anything, but we hit a bump in the car 3 days ago and her butt is still jiggling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdHoovis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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What does a goose get when it’s cold?

People bumps

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Dad and Son Team

Dinner guest: So last night I was watching a PBS documentary on Mars.

Father and Son simultaneously: Wow! How did you get back? (fist bump)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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What do you call turbulence while riding a goose?

Goose bumps

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/camshend
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to dadjoking.

I bumped into my teenage daughter while carrying laundry down the hall.

D: I've been assaulted!

Me: I've been a-peppered! Haha!

D: Oh. my. god. You are the worst!

Me: It's not my fault you can't handle all this flavor!

Now she won't talk to me so I'm gonna go enjoy the solitude and play Skyrim.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammichface
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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My dad hit me with this one today.

We had just gotten back from a long day's bike ride, when I noticed that the tree in front of our apartment building had been cut down in our absence. I turned to my dad asking him if he knew about this.

Without missing a beat he replies, "I don't know, I'm stumped!"

He didn't let me leave until I fist bumped him twice

πŸ‘︎ 241
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afineguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
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Learn Chinese in 5 min

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

  1. Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
  2. Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
  3. See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
  4. Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
  5. Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
  6. Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
  7. I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
  8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
  9. It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
  10. I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
  11. This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
  12. staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
  13. He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
  14. Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
  15. Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edg0023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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What did the exclamation mark say to the question mark?

Are you okay with that bump on your head?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lanomanse
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Animals puns for wedding tables...

We're having a Canadian wedding with an animal theme to differentiate the different tables. On each table we'll have an animal emblem with some kind of love pun for each animal. It's been a trying affair to come up with these, but I know a lot of them could be better. In fact, most of them are downright ridiculous.

Reddit, how can we improve these?

Moose - I find you amoosing.

Beaver - I think I'll pick this flower for her, it would beavery romantic.

Owl - Owl always love you.

Fox - You are the object of my affoxtion.

Skunk - I stink you're sweet!

Bunny - Everybunny loves you!

Woodpecker - Knock Knock! Who's there? Wood! Wood who? Wood you be mine?

Porcupuine. I'm stuck on you.

Wolf - Wolf you marry me?

Trout - We'll be together trout eternity!

Turtle - You're turtley amazing.

Lynx - Let us lynx our lives together.

Bear - To be away from you is unbearable.

Squirrel - I'm going nuts for you!

Raven - Can't stop raven about you.

Turkey - I could just gobble you up!

Caribou - Where does one find a wedding ring for his deer? Why at the cariboutique, of course.

Deer - I love you deerly!

Goose - You give me goose bumps.

Sasquatch - Getting you to marry me was no small feat.

Also looking for some ideas for racoon, snake, and groundhogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TonyMcConkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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On breaking up. Dad joked sister.

After my sister broke up with her boyfriend right after a weekend camping.

Sis: "Why would he break up with me?"

Me (under my breath, loud enough to be heard though): "I guess the relationship was too intense."

Smile and a fist bump from dad, as we were banned from the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timmahj
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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I dadjoked my dad on his boat

After we bumped into the same rock he did last year,

Dad: "I got hung up on it last time."

Me: "It must have called you back"

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eppicfail
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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Dad's favorite joke is coming to an end. Its kinda long.

What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.

Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.

20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."

Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.

So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.

The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"

The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheInvizible
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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So I was driving and there was this "Bump Ahead" sign...

... so I bumped my girlfriend on the noggin and when she said "what was that for?" I said "Look at the sign! I'm just following the law."

I think I'll make a good dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyGramps
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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I couldn't resist myself during a meeting yesterday.

While reaching for the phone near the beginning of the meeting, my supervisor bumped his coffee cup and coffee sloshed over onto the desk and some papers. He laughed a little and just said something about it being a waste of good coffee.

My dadjoke instincts kicked in, and I agreed by saying, "A grind is a terrible thing to waste." I am proud to say it was well received.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tananda7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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Dad joked by my grandma

Traveling on the freeway when we hit some bumps in the road

Mom: Oh sorry about the bumps

Grandma: oh it's not your fault, it's asphalt

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Remembered one from when I was a teenager

I was in the back seat of the family car drinking a coke, when we hit a bump in the road and I coughed.

Coke spurts out of my nose. Carbonated beverages do not feel pleasant when they spurt out of your nose, and I screamed to my Dad in the front passenger seat what had happened.

"Well, what did you expect? You're supposed to snort Coke".

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ixplosiown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Our waiter earned a nice tip..

I was visibly tired and struggling to even get through the menu when I asked for his suggestion.

Waiter: "Might I suggest the Filet Migyawn"

I returned with an immediate fist bump and thanked him for his masterpiece.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WayneWorld
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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My son just bumped his head [help]

OK, this just happened: bumped head, bag of frozen veggies, < enter dad stage left (the doorway, stage right is a window, and it's shut).>

Me: what happened little man? Him: <he explains> Me: So... mummy peed on your head? <Wife smirks condescendingly> Him: what?

Now, this is what I need help with, it's not the first time this has happened either, the wife goes on for a minute or so explaining how "wee" is sometimes called "pee" and how I'm deliberately misunderstanding him for comic effect.

If this wasn't bad enough he then howls with laughter for about five minutes getting me to repeat what I said again and again, all the while jumping around in the bed and generally totally cured by my comedic genius.

This isn't the way it's meant to be, is it? Can I enrol in a local parenting class, or should I send my wife to couples therapy?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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What did the blind man say when he listened to Braille music for the first time?

This shit bumps

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrivenZ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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I have to make a confession

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_1steak_sauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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