Brothers And Sisters Puns

While the sister was working the brother was walking around doing nothing

5 minutes pass

B: Ow S: You alright B: Yeah, just bumped into the table S: Where does it hurt B: Mitosis

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

Yeah, they’re a real pair o’ docs.

An incestment

she’s abroad.

My sister asked if we ever had shepherd's pie. I told her, "No, but every so often I cook 'matterdaddy.'" She walks off while shaking her head.

My brother doesn't get it and asks, "Matterdaddy? Matterdaddy? What the heck is a matterdaddy?"

I immediately respond with "Nothing. What's a matter with you?"

He groaned loudly and my sister just responds with "You're such a sucker for falling for that."

Sister: "I'm really thinking of a shih tzu."

Brother-in-law: "I don't know, I think it's a pretty good zoo."

"Your aunt graduated Magna Cum Laude, your uncle graduated Summa Cum Laude, and I graduated Thank You Laudy"

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

About ten minutes ago at dinner war broke out. My little brother (4 years old) and my little sister (8) were fighting so my mom told them to stop which made my brother cry for some reason. My dad said "are you crying?" And he said yes. My dad goes "hi crying I'm dad!!" Which made him cry more. He kept doing it to us and I look at him seriously and say "are you gunna stop?" And he sighs and says fine. I go "hi gunna stop I'm Gage!!" And he bursts out laughing. My mom made us apologize to my little brother because we made him cry more with our jokes and then had him apologize to my sister. I say to my brother "are you sorry?" And he said yes... Ya you know what happened next. I went back to my room after dinner and I just heard my dad say to my mom "hi gunna kill myself I'm dad!!"

The pieces of toast were brother and sister, and their kid came out inbread

We had a family reunion for my brother having a child. My sister in law brought bunt cake and my brother comes in. “Is this good? Is this bunt cake or home run cake?”

Are they still Brother and Sister ?

This was the scenario more or less.

Sister-in-law: I just took two pregnancy tests and they both came out positive!

Brother: That's incredible!

Sister-in-law: I think we should go to a baby doctor as soon as possible.

Brother: I would feel a lot more comfortable if the doctor was an adult.

My younger brother is an ass, so is my dad to him. They annoy each other quite often, I think they like it. When my little bro (He was a teenager then) get angry he usually says to my dad "I will leave this house, and go to where none of you will never find, and I will never come back", my dad have many answers, like

• Please tell me the place, I want to run away too
• You can take your little sister with your too
• What documents do you need for that?
• Are you still here? Can I help you with packing
• Oh, that will make it easy for me, ha ha

I dont remember most of it, you can guess!

My brother usually go out and then forget about it, until one day he moved out, and comes back after a while, lol, of course! My awesome dad died 7 years ago, he was annoyingly humorous.

My sister and brother-in-law travel occasionally, and when they do, they board their dog, Tika, in a kennel (which he loves, because he's very social around other dogs). So I recently had this conversation with a friend...

Me: "Nan and Jeff are going to New York."

Friend: "Oh cool! Will they be boarding Tika?"

Me: "No, they're going by plane."

ba-dum-tiss

I'm male and when people ask me about my family I tell them I have four brothers. "No sisters?" "Nope. I'm the only girl."

When I fry an egg for breakfast as I'm cracking the egg into the pan I say "Whoa! This pan is hot enough to fry an egg!" Although this one gets a laugh every time it doesn't really count because I'm usually the only person in the room.

Family: eating food

Brother and Sister arguing about who sits where

Me: Hey, both of you shut the fork up!

Dad looks at me proudly and smiles

Dad: Hey, that wasn't very knife

laughs and smiles at him

Me: What, too spoon?

mom just sighs and leaves the table and brother and sister stop the arguing

My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons).

They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds.' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist'

posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post. Thought you'd like it too

My sister: We were out of brown sugar so I used sugar and molasses. Brother-in-law: How did the moles feel about that?

He then proceeded to laugh like a maniac when I groaned loudly.

My parents are heading up to NY on vacation together. We have a group text that has my parents, my wife and I, my brother and his fiancee, and my sister. All day, half the family has been traveling for either work of vacation, so there have been a lot of texts about when people have boarded their flights or landed at their layovers of destinations. After 2 hours without any texts, here are the latest two texts we all got:

Mom: We got to NY!

Dad: Glad to hear it!

(remember, they're traveling together. Oy)

Yesterday my SO and I met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for brunch. I decided to order eggs benedict.

Right away my dad said, "You know that comes on a special dish right? A chrome one?"

I didn't follow, so he kept going.

"You know what they say right?"

Still nothing from me.

"You know... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

I still can't believe I didn't see it coming...

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes.

My sister in law pipes up with: "Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: "Mhm" "Yep" "Okay"

With which my brother in law chimes in "There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me."

On a long car ride to the shore, I had to tell my younger brother to use his indoor voice to which he responded that we aren't indoors. My sister proceeded to count "1...2...3...4!" and said, "What are you talking about, we're inside the car and it has four doors." I made sure to let her know how proud I was of her and that I was happy someone other than myself made a dad joke.

My wife and I were out shopping, and stumped on what to get for my brother and sister-in-law.

Wife: "Maybe they'd like a berry bowl."

Me: "I don't know, they might find that gift un-berry-bowl."

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

The waitress was taking orders and I asked for wings. I ask my dad if he wants any wings and what flavor. He says, "nah, I'm not much of a wingman... Get it? Wingman? hehehe" He looks at everyone expectedly. Everyone in my family, my mom, my brothers, my sister, and the waitress just stare at him in utter amazement.

It was a dark and blustery Friday night. My wife and I were doubling with my sister and brother in-law at a delicious BBQ joint. Bro in-law (Jordan) asked us if we were up on the latest celebrity gossip.

Jordan - Did you hear about the actress who killed her husband?!

Us - what? No! Who?

Jordan - Ya! She stabbed him with a knife when he came home. I just can't remember who it was... What was her name?... Reese! Reese something...

Us - Wait! Witherspoon??!

Jordan - No! I just told you. With a knife!

My dad woke my brother up this morning on his 18th birthday by saying, "Good morning, now you can get a job!" After retelling this story and making everybody at the dinner table laugh he said "Yup, I guess I'm just Mr. Dad jokes." To which my sister replied "Hi Mr. Dad jokes I'm your daughter."

My family and I were discussing the difference between soul sisters and sisters. My brother pointed out that the quote 'blood is thicker than water' is actually shortened from 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. Dad says 'I guess there's always womb for interpretation.' Ba dum, tsss.

We were talking about being ambidextrous, and my dad grinned at me, turned to my brother-in-law and said: "You know what? I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

My sister recently got married so my dad has a new person to use all his jokes on. :D

Whenever my dad brings me and my brother and sister and our friends out for a meal, he always mentions "these 3 get whatever they want but that guy? He's not mine so, if you have maybe a half eaten plate or some meat you dropped on the ground, just bring it to him" Every time.

My brother and sister constantly prattle on about the legitimacy of golf and dance as sports and were going at it again this morning.

"What's the point of having a golf team at the school? It's not a real sport."

"At least there is a golf team. I don't see any dance teams here."

"There's a chess team. Are you saying that chess is a sport?"

"It's not a chess team, it's a chess club. The school doesn't have any golf clubs.'

Suddenly Dad chimes in. "Then what do they use to hit the balls?"

My wife and I were visiting family last week, and with my wife's older sister and 7-year-younger brother, he was asking us about forest fires. Discussing having a fire pit in your backyard during a fire ban:

younger brother: What's the penalty for starting a forest fire, like, if there's a ban?

wife: firing squad

me: =D

everyone else: ಠ_ಠ

My sister asked me how many ribs we have. I ain't got a clue so I was like "six or seven maybe". Mums a doctor and looks outraged at me not knowing the right answer. Me: "that's not something you learn I bet dad doesn't know the answer. Dad how many ribs have we got"

Dad: I dunno, depends if they're saucy and how many your brothers having

This still cracks my little brother(6) and sister(4) up like crazy when he's opening presents.

Dad:" Oh look! It's a new box!"

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while

I asked my parents and 26 brothers and sisters. They didn't know either