so I asked if they could dim sum.
They have "hi" beams!
So I asked them to dim sum.
French resistance is low.
"what watt are those?"
He was delighted
So I planted some bulbs
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
i've only got my shelf to blame....
I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.
I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?
She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.
So I say, not yet I'm dirty.
She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:
Hi! um...
wait a sec,
um, I know um,
um, wait.... dir...
[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]
Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!
I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...
It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...
It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.
I’m not very bright but I’m pretty sure I can pick up a Light House!
Not really relaxing as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out "60 Watts - Made in China".
It was delighted.
would that be a light snack?
My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.
http://imgur.com/FNc6UJQ
(Not sure how certain we can be that these types of posts are true stories but they're sure hilarious)
It's not a bright idea for a light snack.
In science today we were discussing chemical reactions, more specifically ones resulting in light.
Science teacher: "Have any of you seem that show '1000 ways to die'?
Most answer yes.
Teacher: "Well one episode some guy decided to inject himself with the contents of a glow stick to make his veins glow. He died."
Without thinking about it, I stand up and loudly blurt out: "He wasn't too bright, was he?"
Groans galore. I was so proud.
It's a little light-headed!
Anyone have any bright ideas?
Me: "Man, these lights are so bright, they will make you see our place in a whole new light!"
My friend groaned, but his gf didn't get it, so he had to explain the pun. After he explained it.
Me: "I guess you could say you LED her to the punchline."
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I asked my dad (a pretty good cook) how to properly grill chicken. His response:
In a basement cement block room, with a locked door, place a chair under a bright light. Have the chicken sit in the chair and aggressively ask it probing questions.
If it doesn't give honest answers, slap it around a little.
My dad cranks out jokes left and right during each dinner we have together.
Today though, got more groans than usual.
My mom has been suffering some back pain this week, and today was especially bad. The kitchen lights were giving her a headache to boot. She asked "it's to bright in here..."trying to ask if someone would turn of the lights. She didn't stand a chance, before even finishing her sentence my dad had already risen with his plate and fork in hand and exclaimed "I'll just eat in the other room then".
We were talking about the bit in the eye test where they shine a really bright light into your eye while they look at it.
My sister said 'I don't like that bit, its like its blinding me'
Dad replied, 'Well, they have to drive business up somehow!'
So my cousin (said uncle's child) is teaching us all sign-language and all the things he can say. My uncle goes "Wow, you're so bright. I should call you sun."
True to dad-joke form, he just kept looking at us, lightly chuckling.
#1: "My dad is a proctologist, you wouldn't believe what he's had to remove from people's rear ends. For example, did you know that to get a light bulb out, you have to encase it in plastic first so it doesn't shatter?"
#2: "Why would anyone put a light bulb in their ass in the first place?"
#3: "He must have thought it was a bright idea."
The light is beaming into my eyes. "Woah, it's so bright..", I remark.
"It's the future!"
"... What, Dad?"
"It's the future, Ermen, it's so bright!"
"This asshole doesn't have his lights on!" "Well, that's not bright."
