A man went to the doctorโ€™s and told him, โ€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.โ€

He said, โ€œWow, thatโ€™s the worst case of parking sonโ€™s disease Iโ€™ve ever seen.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyclopropagative
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight

Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"

Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"

Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"

Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fuckyeahballpythons
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, โ€œAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?โ€ I told him, โ€œTo be honest,...

โ€œ...my mother was never a young boy.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 213
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Boy George would be proud
๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boozypeach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I told my son that if he brings home a boy, that he wouldnโ€™t be my favorite son.

I would have two sons that are my favorite

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Poyweson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'll be performing on stage after the band Viagra Boys

That's a hard act to follow

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GaryTheKnight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 73
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
98 Degrees has to be the smartest boy band.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Trey_ceratops
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think my dad used to be a tennis ball boy.

Whenever I open the door to his study room he always shouts "OUT!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm from Baltimore, and my boy said he wanted to be a creepy rockstar for Halloween

I said "That's easy, you're already a Maryland man's son."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegodawfultruth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If the Beastie Boys started a bakery, what would it be call?

The yeastie boys.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hdormitzer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I told my boys that M through Z should be written lighter than the other letters

Because they're all past L

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/confibulator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This may be a crazy idea, but I think we'll make out like bandits. Gear up boys. We're robbing that train!

That's one loco motive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SpunkBunkers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.

I went and got them a glass of water.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B1gB0iM3ME
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
one day a young boy was asking his dad about being in war

son: dad, did you ever get shot in the army?

dad: no son, I got shot in the leggy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wumbojimbo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyoneโ€™s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think itโ€™s a boy and girl but I donโ€™t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sveil96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why is Shaniece considered a girl's name?

Because if it was a boys name it would be Shanephew

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/McDimps
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My 4yo girl ask me, "Daddy, how do you like being a boy?"

I replied, "It has its ups and downs." (at least my wife thought it was funny!)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1doublezero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him โ€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.โ€ He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining โ€œjingle bellsโ€ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. โ€œRudolphโ€ โ€œFrosty the Snowmanโ€ โ€œDrummer Boyโ€ even โ€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausโ€ in the best impersonations heโ€™s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. โ€œ No no honey this works watchโ€ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. โ€œNO honey it really works watch!โ€ โ€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmasโ€ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. โ€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!โ€ He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out โ€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hipphazy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A young boy asked his grandpa if he minded being old, he said...

"It ain't bad considering the alternative."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SHavens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Peter Pan Puns

I came up with two today, be warned they are punishing.

Why are the Lost Boys so poor? It's because they can Never Land a job.

How did Peter Pan get so fat? He keeps eating out at Wendy's.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Justsomaguy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Asurarkt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. Itโ€™s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. Iโ€™m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, weโ€™re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said โ€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isnโ€™t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.โ€

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shellexyz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.

โ€œWhere were you during school hours?โ€ He asks.

โ€œAt school!โ€ His son replies.

The robot slaps the boy.

โ€œOk I was at my friends house....โ€ His son says.

โ€œWhat were you doing there?

โ€œReading comics!โ€

The robot slaps the son again.

โ€œOk ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...โ€

โ€œWhat?? I didnโ€™t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!โ€ The dad exclaims.

The robot quickly slaps him.

His wife laughs and says, โ€œWow, he really IS your son-โ€œ

The robot slaps the wife.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 356
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bot_10
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Fascinate

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

โ€œGood morning class, today weโ€™ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?โ€

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. โ€œThe stars last night were fascinating.โ€

Teacher looks at her and says,โ€Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.โ€

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,โ€Iโ€™m fascinated by the ocean and itโ€™s creatures.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s still not the answer Iโ€™m looking for.โ€ The teacher says. โ€œCan anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.โ€

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,โ€My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LiCill666
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child Iโ€™ve ever met. And I donโ€™t mean mentally, he just doesnโ€™t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showersโ€ฆwe had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesnโ€™t go faster. We can feed him and heโ€™ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and heโ€™ll just sit there for longer.

Iโ€™ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he wonโ€™t change. But my wife canโ€™t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

โ€œIโ€™ve had it with him! Iโ€™m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!โ€

โ€œHoney,โ€ I said, โ€œitโ€™ll never work.โ€

โ€œWhy not?!โ€

โ€œBecause you canโ€™t rush Art.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bunselpower
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Groundhog Day

Happened tonight at a family event.

My brother in law needed to leave early to have dinner with his folks who are notorious for always having some kind of pork for dinner. The rest of the family started joking about if it would be ribs, pork chops, pork tenderloins, etc.

After they stop guessing I make the comment,

Boy all these jokes repeating just feels like Ground Hogs day...

Wife laughed, the in laws groaned. Not sure if I made friends or not ๐Ÿ˜‚

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chetbodet87
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chaosTechnician
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Airbender, Waterbender...

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tomwithweather
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his dateโ€™s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. โ€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!โ€ He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his dateโ€™s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ohihatethesepants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Great Uncle's Final Words

My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.

"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."

My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."

Those were his last words.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_Composer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doc: Wow! Thatโ€™s the worst case of parking sonโ€™s disease I have ever seen.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/juhaodbrokule
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
โ€œI feel like such a failure, doc. All my 5 boys want to be valets when they grow up.โ€

Doctor: WOW! Thatโ€™s the worst case of parking sonโ€™s disease Iโ€™ve ever seen.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 733
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 75
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.