Boy Mom Puns

"Oh, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Greyson

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

“...my mother was never a young boy.”

Dad just waves and says, "Bison".

"Mother?"

...

"Mother?"

They always wanted a father figure.

Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?"I came straight home, of course!"That's my good boy."Mom?"Yes, my son?"May I please have a penny?"

Boy: Dad why is my sister's name was Lily?

Dad: Your mom realy likes flowers and we decided to call her Lily.

Boy: Thank you for telling me dad.

Dad: No problem, Richard.

"I don't know, Alaska"

The teacher asked tim in this way : tim your mom is pregnant right is it a boy or girl?

Tim told the teacher she had a bicycle.

Bicycle? Asked teacher

Yeah or maybe a tricycle... Replied tim

Annoyed by the reply teach took him to office

The principal asked the tim same question.

Tim replied she had a bicycle or a tricycle or maybe a gocart....

The principal called his mother and asked.

The mother replied she had a miscarriage.

Tim : i knew that thing had wheels.

Just remembered this today. Not 100% sure where to post this, but it does involve a joke told by my dad, so…

Several years ago, (I was probably 11-13, somewhere in there) my dad started tossing his empty cardboard six-pack holders into the garbage can in the bedroom shared by me and my brother. I don’t know why.

After doing this for a while, he walks into our room, looks in the garbage can, and says “Boys, I’m disappointed by the number of beer containers in your garbage can.” My brother and I grin at the stupid joke, and then we hear Mom from across the hall yell “WHAT?!?”

That took some explaining.

After throwing down his napkin after we all finish the last of the pizza..."Well, we wiped that out like a dirty asshole!" Mom just shakes her head.

Mom comes down wearing an Aldi shirt.

Boy: “Hey, mom!” Mom: “Yeah?” Boy: “Do you wear that shirt Aldi time?”

Honestly, I’ve never been so proud.

A mom makes breakfast for her 3 sons and asks them which ones they prefer.

She asks the oldest some first “son what will it be waffles or pancakes?” The boy says “I’ll have the Fucking waffles” The mom immediately smacks him in the head and says “what the matter with you!? Go to your room!” She looks at the middle son and says “what will it be waffles or pancakes” The boy says “I’ll have the fucking pancakes!” The mom immediately smacks him in the head and says “what in the world!?! What’s wrong with you!? Go to your room!” She then looks and the baby boy who looks very confused and scared She looks at the little boy and says “what will it be pancakes or waffles?” The little boy pauses nervously.. looks at both options and says… “idk…but i definitely don’t want the fucking pancakes or waffles….”

The Mom says "We're going to sit and eat some food in the park today and you can pick one friend to come"

The son replies "Cool... hmmm, who should I pick..."

The Mom say "Actually you can pick anyone except Nick, he's such a naughty boy"

The son pleads "Mom! I wanna pick Nick! I wanna pick Nick!"

Boy was he and his mom pissed.

Maybe it was a mcsteak

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

This just happened.

Daughter: I like this new boy DeAntré!

Mom: I can use Deantré in a sentence....

Would you like a drink with De-antré?

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”

Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”

He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.

During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."

The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"

The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"

With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.

"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.

The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."

His mom gets angry and asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

As we're driving, we see a Boyz II Men billboard and my mom says something about it. In response, my dad says, "yeah, they used to be called Boys to Men, but now it looks like they're Boys eleven Men."

I was the only one who laughed.

There we are, sitting in my parents living room when my mom asks me "how do I get my iPhone and iPad in sync?" I told her "ask my sister, just hope she doesn't make them in sync on the backstreet" to which my dad chimed in "boy that ain't no lie". So I said "I know. I think I need to go home. Bye bye bye."

My wife, our boy and I were taking a walk today, with me and him up front and mom trailing behind. She started gaining on us, so I said, "Hurry, mom's right on our tails!"

Without skipping a beat he looks at me and says, "Ow ow she's on our tails!"

His mom and I had quite a good chuckle.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

Me: Oh, I just got an e-mail from 3MillionDogs.

Mom: Boy, that must be clogging your inbox.

Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and spotted my mom and one of her friends whom I hadn't seen since I was a kid so we walked over to say hi...

Mom's friend: "Boy I haven't seen you in forever." "You look just like your daddy."

Mom: "Yeah he's got his dad's good looking genes."

Me: (as I get this confused look on my face and look down) "No mom these are mine, I bought these."

Girlfriend: -_-

boy: “Mom, dad. I don’t feel comfortable in this body. I’m not a girl”

dad: “I understand dear. I have one question though.”

boy: “What is it?”

dad: “Does that make me a- a- a transparent?”

We're making jack o'lanterns and my mom is working on something pretty ambitious (I think it's a leaf). I say something about it, and my dad gets a big grin on his face and comments,

"Boys, your mom is Vincent van Gourd!"

Mom: Boy, the wind is really picking up out there! Dad: Picking up what? Houses? Small children?

Mom: Hey hun, how was your camping trip with the boys?

Dad: It was in tents.

Over dinner with the family my mom delivered the news that my 30 year old cousin, who has been a burn-out his whole life, got himself a job at a mine on Nevada.

Dad: "looks like that boy is just digging himself deeper in the hole."

Had to high five him for that one.

So a little boy goes to the Zoo with his mom. They go to the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephant and says "Mom, What's that thing hanging down?" The mom looks and says "Well honey that's his tail." The boy says "No, the other thing.." Mom replies "Well that's his trunk." The boy gets exasperated and says no the thing between the elephant's back legs." The mother get embarrassed and says " oh that...well that's nothing" A little later the boy returns with his father. He turns to his dad and asks "Hey dad, what is that big thing hanging down between the elephant's legs? Mom said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says "Well son, that's because your mom has been spoiled."

Exchange between my parents last winter.

Dad: Boys are better than girls

Mom: That's not true

Dad: Boys can write their names in the snow

Mom: So can girls

Dad: (Without missing a beat) Only if her name is Dot

Bison

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”