I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"

I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Why did the snail paint a big red S on the side of his race car?

Because he wanted to hear everyone say "Look at that S car go!".

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lisajean1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Moses had a really big part in crossing the Red Sea
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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One big red flag
πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frog_football
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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What’s big, red and eats rocks.

A big red rock-eater...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B0bByxD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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I excitedly showed my mother my test, which had a big, red, A+ on it.

β€œSweetie, this is a blood test.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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There was a big red sign on the toilet door. It said: NOT IN USE.

So I opened the door and they were right, nobody was in there.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face...

I said, β€œLet’s not make any rash decisions.”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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Out of all the melons, my favorite is the big green one which is all red inside and riddled with seeds.

What a melon!

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apostjustforthis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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Back in 56' my neighbor was arrested for supporting the USSR...

The officials said it was "a big red flag".

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightmareVX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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The biggest red flag
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zachattack15782
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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When God was handing out brains

I thought he said trains and I missed mine

When he was handing out noses

I thought he said roses so I asked for a big red one

and he gave it me too

When he was handing out willies

I thought he said chillies

So I asked for a small hot one

Please add more below.......................

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas...

It's big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNova_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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But if they have a Switzerland flag, that's a big plus
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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The other day I opened the door for a clown

It was a nice jester

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yet-another-dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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I used to date someone with a communist flag on their wall.

It was a big red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashwinvias
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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You should not date an American woman if she hangs the flag of China in her bedroom

That is a big red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atom644
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, fork you.

I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylea12345
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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Went to my date’s house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall

I knew that was a big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smoothmcdoodles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A man sat in a restaurant....

... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.

A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.

"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"

"No.", she replied....

"but you just happened to catch my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, β€œWe can get out of here.”

The other guy says, β€œWe can?”

He says, β€œYes.”

The other guy says, β€œHow?”

The first guy says, β€œI’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, β€œYou really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Be careful when dating someone who has the flag of the USSR in their bedroom

It's a big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rikeus
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I'm a pretty open minded guy but I would never date a Nazi.

That's a big red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_a_writer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
🚨︎ report
What color was it?

Every time. Every single god damn time anyone describes anything with it's color, and he's been doing it for as long as I can remember. Now that I'm out of the house, he's doing it to my 7 year old brother.

"Turn left right after the big yellow sign." "What color is it?"

"Dad, did you see the red firetruck?" "What color was it?"

Twenty years of this and he still think it's hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mostlyharmless27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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I once dated a girl until I found out she was a Communist.

When I saw it, it was a big red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Historyguy1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad told me this joke when I was 12...

A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.

A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."

Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is put on a great, big grin and ask him "Hey Pops! Can I get a Ferrari?". His dad, again, asks him "Can your dick touch your ass?", but this only makes the kid smile even wider. The kid responds with an enthusiastic "You betcha!", beaming right at his dad.

The dad just stares blankly at his son for a little while and tells him:

"Then you can go fuck yourself."

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brohanwashere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Roadside dadjoke

A while ago I was in the car with my family and we were stopped at a red light. On the corner was a person in a big crow mascot suit and he was waving a sign for the payday loan place behind him. Just as we look over at the crow again, a cop car pulls into the parking lot and two cops get out and walk over to him.

Dad: "Huh, I wonder what that's about." Me: "I heard it was an attempted murder."

Everyone else in the car groaned but my dad and I had a hearty chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iaminfactafemale
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Here's a small insight of what my siblings and I have had to deal with our entire lives.

So, its the day "Clash of the Titans' comes out in theaters. My dad decides to take my brother and I, (we're all big fans), so we get there early and are waiting out in the lobby, my dad and brother go to the bathroom, I wait on a bench for them. A few minutes go by and I see them coming out, my dad giggling at himself, my brother red with embarrassment, and some men behind them laughing.. I want to know, but do I really want to know?

"What did you do?"

He proceeded to tell me of how he overheard some guys chatting about how excited they are for the movie, then realized everyone in there was probably going to see the same movie we are, so he thought it would be a good idea to get in the conversation. He calmy unzipped his pants and yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" as he peed.

And that was all he said.

My poor brother.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterMegan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
🚨︎ report
My father's goto joke-I've heard it a million times.

An old-slow snail decides one day that he has had enough of the townsfolk belittling him for his pace. He spends about three-days making his way over to the Car-Dealership so that he can buy himself a sports car.

While at the dealership he asks the salesman if they will customize his Corvette for him. The Salesman replies, "Sure! What can we do for you!?"

The snail replies, "I would like you to paint a big, red "S" on the side of my car?"

The salesman says, confused, "Of course we can."

The customization is done and the Salesman turns to the Snail and says, "We're all finished, but I have to ask---While looking through your information I couldn't find any reason why you would want an 'S' on your car---Your first or last name doesn't start with 'S', So--Why the heck did you want that 'S' on your car?!"

The Snail turns to him and replies gently- " For years I have been tormented by the people of my town, and now I'll get to fly by them in my fancy sports-car, and they'll all say: 'Wow! Look at that 'S' Car go!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjaws88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
More of a grandpa joke

My grandparents on my dad's side would always have my brother and I over for Christmas when we were younger (around when I was 5-10 and my brother was 9-14). They always had a little tree in addition to their big one. The small tree had a bunch of those stereotypical ornaments (round, plain, solid color) in a bunch of different colors. My brother and I would always have fun counting the number of a specific color of ornament separately, then comparing our answers. However, every time we would, we would get different answers, so we'd recount, then get different answers again!

Anyway, just this last year (me being 18, my brother being 22), we reminded our grandfather of this. He laughed, said he remembered it, then said "well, why don't you count up the red ones again, see what you get? I'll tell you if you're right."

We agreed, and got to it. We each counted 3 times separately, then compared, then decided to average them. We got around 24 for the red ones, so went to tell our grandpa. After saying we weren't sure, we asked how many there were. He laughed and said "Darn, I don't know! I was hoping you guys could get a number so I wouldn't have to!"

Not that funny when retold, but it was hilarious then

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMS450
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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What's big, red, and eats rocks?

A big red rock-eater! - My neice

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s big, red, and eats rocks?

A big red rockeater

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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