While I was gardening a potato was watching me and criticizing my every move. He thought he was big stuff.
But I think he was just a commontater
[At the therapist] Me: Doc, I have a crippling fear of big, empty spaces.
Therapist: A void?
Me: That’s good advice. Thanks.
A big bear goes into a bar and slaps down a $20 bill and says to the bartender,"give me a gin and................tonic"
The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Me and my big hard white cock.
I told me son he was a big pile of sheet
It was more of a blanket statement.
My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…
I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.
I wasn’t a big fan of the despicable me movies
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I was talking to a friend the other day, he said to me "wow it must be nice to have big hands"
"Yeah, it comes in handy" I replied.
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt.
Big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets!
My wife told me that a sci-fi horror series centered around geek culture could never make it big in the public sphere.
But I've seen stranger things.
We all know where the Big Apple is, but can anyone tell me...
...where the Minneapolis?
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills.
He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill.
(My 2nd grade student told me this joke.) What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
At work they call me the Big Cheese.
Me and my friend were both really big foodies and loved a good steak but then she turned vegitarian
It’s like I’ve never met herbivore
At the end of the class, I asked my physics professor, “Would you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry I can’t. There’s no Time.”
I heard my young son say a really big word and it surprised me.
Someone asked me, if I were forced to, would I eat a big beetle or a small one?
I chose the smaller one of course! It’s the lesser of the two weevils.
When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"
"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"
Me: I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed.” Her: Did you have a big role?
Me: No, just toast and coffee.
Me: This burger is so big, I don’t know where to start.
My dad: I usually start at the beginning
Her: What do you do for a living? Me: My company artificially inseminates cows for big farms.
Her: I don’t believe you.
Me:Trust me. No bull.
My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face...
I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
My wife yelled at me, "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it?!"
I calmly replied, "I don't know what you mean, honey. Sit down and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away...
My wife told me our cottage cheese was just one big curd
My boss told me that his father has to return to the hospital to have his big toe amputated…
I asked my boss how his father is getting back to the hospital, and if he needs me to call a tow truck.
My wife bought me a bathing suit that was way too big...
I was practically swimming in it.
My dad's a big James Bond fan and he told me to try Viagra if I was feeling upset and lonely
"It wont make you Daniel Craig but it will make you Roger Moore."
Went out for Dad's birthday last night, he set me up big time...
He asked the waitress what beers were on tap, which included Blue Moon and Sam Adams seasonal. He said "it's not a special occasion, so I'll have the Sam seasonal." After the waitress left, I asked, it's your birthday, what special occasion do you mean? He said "I only have it once in a blue moon."
Dad came in with a big smirk on his face and told me this one...
His jokes are a somewhat rare occasion, but the other day he just knew he had a good one.
"Hey son, what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?"
"No idea dad, what do you get? "
"Ele-phino! Hehehe..."
Got a big grant today. Wife is awesome, had brownies in the oven for me when I got home.
Me: "That's a big beetle!"
Dad: "Is it a Liverpool Beetle?"
Me: "I don't know...what do they look like?"
Dad: "When they're young they have long shaggy black hair and wear a suit. When they get older they look like hippies but vary..."
Me: "Just stop, dad."
My wife told me about a big garage sale nearby...
I told her we weren't in the market for a big garage.
The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt
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