Big Magic Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

My freshman year in high school (96-97), I was in choir, and we drove up in a big coach bus to Magic Mountain for a choir competition.

Approaching San Onofre, the driver told us a "little known fact" that if you put your hand on the window while passing under those jumbo power lines coming from the plant, you can feel a moderately painful shock. Being gullible teenagers, a lot of us tried it.

We passed under, and the driver asked if we felt any pain. There were scattered replies in the negative. The diver said, "You didn't feel the window pane?"

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

My son had his end of the year art project inside a large cardboard sleeve with handles on it. He had carefully scrawled with magic marker in big block letters:

PORTFOLO

I said, "Well, I guess the fun and games are over!"

He looked puzzled, and asked "why?"

I pointed at his portfolio - "someone has lost an I"

(No spoilers) For those who haven't seen it, In the new Hobbit movie there is a scene where Tauriel, the female elf helps revive one of the dwarves using some ancient elven magic. Cue my dad leaning over with a glint in his eye, and whispering "I've always been a big fan of the National Elf Service!". He's a doctor and finds these sorts of things hilarious.

I feel like I don’t have enough for mermaids, unicorns other creatures etc. Here are the ones I already have...

Basic witch

Spell the tea

Demons are a ghouls best friend

Little black magic dress

The ghoul next door

Squad ghouls

Witch and famous

Resting witch face

Be careful what you witch for

Witch me luck

Witchful thinking

Make love not warlock

Be afraid, be fairy afraid

A good shaman/talisman is hard to find

Do you really wand to hurt me

Black cat got your tongue

But of curse

Safe hex

Group hex

Big girls don’t scry

It’s my party and I’ll scry if I want to

Trickbait

Fright club

You used to call me on my shell phone

New shellpone, who dis?

Hey, I'm a mermaid and this is crazy, but here's my conch shell, so call me maybe

Yeah the buoys

Don’t krill my vibe

This is boo sheet

Give em pumkin to talk about

Howl you doin’

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern

Witch, please

Witch better have my candy

Boo Felicia

Romeo and Ghouliet

Cereal killer

Bun in the coven

Summer coven’

Boo-ty sleep

How do you boo?

Creep calm and carry on

What ghost around, comes around

No rest for the wicca’d

I’ll have what banshee’s having

Zombodie that I used to know

Sugar dead-y

Wicca’d stepmother

Smells like teen spirits

The only hexception

Neck-romancer

Abracadaver

That’s what’s banshee said

Dead Flanders

Matt Demon

Icy dead people

Purranormal activity

Straight outta coffin

Congrats to the bride and broom

Let’s get sheet faced

Let’s talk about hex, baby

Hex on the beach

Netflix and kill

Silk Satan sheets

I’m literally dying

Ghost Malone

Broom hair, don’t care

Happy Hallowine

Look what you made me brew

Deja boo

Practice safe hex

Boo berry muffins

There will be hell toupee

Boo lagoon

Coffin up blood

Salty witch

Over the moonicorn

All bayou self

Bad neck-romance

Boy necks door

Allergic to fairy

You’re so vein

Bats and bobs

All you can eat Buffy

Owl put a spell on you

Faboolous

Zombae

Oh my goth!

Ghoulboss

Bone appetit

Love you to the tomb and back

Dead & breakfast

Séayoncé

I Ouija love

A four-chin teller

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?