"When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie.."

"..thatsa Mondegreen." ๐ŸŽต

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gracius0ne
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2022
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thatโ€™s amore.

When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When paternity tests, lead to ratings success, thatโ€™s a Maury.

When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

But Canadians protest, underrepresented in jest, whatโ€™s one more, eh?

โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”-

(Repost of mine from over a year ago. Sorry. I remembered it while stoned and it was funny again. Credit to u/weizguy74 for the Maury line.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ComeAbout
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2021
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When a moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SiLifino
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lsteele00
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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A Big bug hits the windshield when driving

I doubt he has the guts to do that again.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Moondwo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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Before The Bee Gees hit it big, Barry Gibb used to be a chef in an Asian restaurant.

When asked if he liked to cook, he said โ€œwell, you can tell by the way I use my wok.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bobo4037
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2022
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**Knock knock** โ€œwhoโ€™s there?โ€ โ€œWendyโ€ โ€œWendy who?โ€

Wendy door is open you will find out โ€ฆ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WhatIsThis187
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Why is reproduction such a big hit?

Because sex cells.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zslayer89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Somebody that I used to know
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/S_900
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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I'm a big hit every year at Christmas when I tell the Usain Bolt joke.

This is a running joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Thatโ€™s a moray
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/whicky1978
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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What was Ariana Grande known as before she hit it big?

Ariana Pequeรฑo

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bobswarly88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.

Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cashmag3001
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.

They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.

One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"

The host replies, "That is the talking clock."

Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"

The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.

From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2022
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Did you hear about the big snowstorm that hit the Canadian Prairies last week?

It's flake news!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mcdofras
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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i'm practicing for when i hit the big time...

girlfriends cat ate about 5" of the string to tie off one of her dresses, it was partway out of the cats rear end when she got home from work- saw it- called vet- was told to take her to the local animal hospital.

So we get there and shes explaining to the receptionist what happened, I dropped them with a "we're just in knots about it", and during the wait with a "sophia's (the cat) really stringing us along with this one". My favorite was with the doctor when she finally brought the cat out saying she seems ok to take home- "well all set then? no strings attached?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eggs-benedict
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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There was this trampโ€ฆ

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FancyAlligator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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Chris Brown's big hit...

This is probably more topical humor, but I'm a dad and I'm proud of this one.

My wife and I (and our 18-month-old daughter) went to our friends' house (also a married couple, 3 children) for the new year's celebration. About 10 minutes after midnight, Dave (the male in the other relationship) said, "What was Chris Brown's biggest hit?"

Without skipping a beat, I instantly reply, "Rihanna."

EDIT: Spelling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/E-werd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! ๐Ÿ”

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EmElleGee31
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Call all pun creators

My sister is in the emergency room with second degree burns on her foot from cooking oil, I need puns to make fun of her at thanksgiving.

Be merciless.

Edit: it was great, you're puns were big hits. After each pun I said your username without context, but at the end of dinner someone asked me if I was going insane and I said "no, those are the pun credits" so, in some of your cases it was pretty funny to say out of context.

Thank you all for your entries, they were great!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CrimsonCultist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
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He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much.

Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over.

Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now!

Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/It3mUs3r
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toggle2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Itchy_Horse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Please help me with Puns related to Russian Leaders (and Roller Derby)

I am working on a set of signs for a roller derby bout. the team theme is russian army and I am trying to make propaganda like signs for each of the big russian leaders from the past.

I have:

Quit Stalin, Bring on the Derby

Putin on the Hits

Looking for some for:

-Vladimir Lenin

-Leonid Brezhnev

-Nikita Khrushchev

-Mikhail Gorbachev

Anyone got anything?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jimdier
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, Iโ€™d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasnโ€™t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasnโ€™t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - Iโ€™d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesnโ€™t look bad, etc. But one of the guys whoโ€™d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Why should you never shower with a pokemon?

Because he might Pikachu!

I used to get to do these all the times. When the drawer got stuck I would wrestle the obstruction inside blocking it and exclaim that this would not be a problem if we just had a lesser cheese grater...I began to love bombing there for a while. Ah...

Edit- no one got the grater joke then either, don't feel bad. but it was on the spot so it didn't need all the setup i ruined here. Try this for your brains: Our drawers often had a lot of utensils and stuff in them, and some of it was also big, like the cheese grater. That would get jostled and end up on top of a fork pile or whatever and be up high enough in the drawer to keep the thing from opening, ie the drawer would open to where the grater hit the back of it and jam the works up, right? the grater was too great. i needed a lesser grater so the drawer wouldnt get jammed. Did that help?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrSpaceYeti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2013
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At the Driving Range

My dad and I were at the driving range hitting golf balls. He steps up to take a big shot, strains himself a little too hard and simultaneously rips a fart as he hits the ball.

"Hit the shit outta that one!"

I still chuckle when I think about it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poppinwheelies
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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The Wong and White wedding

While in high school, Dana White met and fell in love with David Wong. After a few months the couple decided to get married. Dana insisted on getting married at sunset on the ocean on a yacht. The big day finally arrived and both families joined together to head out for the wedding. The captain of the yacht, checked the weather and saw a storm brewing. He advised the party it was not safe to travel out, but Dana and David both insisted they were going to get married on the ocean at sunset, so everyone loaded up and the boat departed. Sure enough just as the captain was performing the ceremony the storm hit, and the boat capsized killing everyone aboard. The next day the head of the the NTSB, Mr. Perry made this statement. It was a stormy night. So many Wong's and Whites. Neither would change their headstrong ways. The sea was in a rage. The captain turned the page. Their dying wasn't worth what they paid.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/teuast
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 686
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ComeAbout
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...

That annoying.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sjmaeff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.

Oof.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My friend hit it big taking pictures of salmon in human clothes.

He said it was like shooting fish in apparel.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MagicGuy66
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iโ€™ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. Thereโ€™s a big crack in it still.

He didnโ€™t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donโ€™t care.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LostPin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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My deep secret is that I'm a were-eel.

Most people don't understand what that means at first. But as my kids say:

"When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, dad's a moray."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 72
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/malshew
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, then it would be a chicken sedan!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 165
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/turnthepaigeb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2013
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A man sat in a restaurant....

... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.

A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.

"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"

"No.", she replied....

"but you just happened to catch my eye."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gustavotherecliner
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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one of my dad's masterpieces

a big joke hits a weak joke

he then looks at me with a about-to-burst-out-laughing look in his face

...what a bad joke

needless to say i couldn't keep it together

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tostadoras
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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A lot of people think Waterworld flopped

But it was a big hit overseas

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MBTAHole
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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Did you hear about that blockbuster fight movie?

Yeah, it was a really big hit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pdonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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My son was hit by a car today!

Relax, it was only a hot wheels!

Back story: So my one son threw a hot wheels car at my other son and left a pretty good gash on his face. This wouldn't have been a big issue except we had a family gathering to go to. People were a little surprised about how calm I was when they asked what happened and all I said was "he got hit by a car" like it has happened a bunch of times.

Not sure if it really belongs here but it was pretty funny to see people's reactions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chillfactor343
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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