The designer of Big Ben finally released a book on his accomplishments.

It's about time.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yeaaawright
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Someone has published a bunch of classic dad joke book titles

Stumbled upon these books and thought this would be the spot to share. Here are the titles available:

Rusty Bed Spring by I.P. Knightley

Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom

Big Fart by Hugh Jass

Complete Protologist Handbook by Ben Dover

Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis

Series of Books

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OrdinaryCredit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

โ€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

โ€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

โ€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

โ€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OwenJthomas89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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Australian dad joke

In my book group the other day we were talking about overseas travel.

One guy had been to Australia years ago. โ€œWhatโ€™s the name of that big rock in the middle of the continent?โ€ he asked. Somebody said, Ayers Rock.

โ€œYeah, thatโ€™s it.โ€ he said. โ€œI climbed it.โ€

โ€œWow, you climbed Ayers Rock?โ€

โ€œYeah, but they donโ€™t let you do that any more.โ€

I piped right up: โ€œClimb-it change.โ€

Loud groans and shaking heads all around. Dad joke accomplished.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zu-den-sternen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 217
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughterโ€™s mom was pregnant with herโ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popโ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, โ€œOmigod Iโ€™m as big as a house!โ€

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

โ€œWell, baby girl, if youโ€™re a house then youโ€™re my dream home...โ€

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldnโ€™t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How I got kicked out of Hot Topic.

At the mall shopping for a new back pack for my daughter to use at school when we a saw Doctor Who themed one. My wife questioned if it would be big enough to hold all of our daughter's books...

"Don't worry," I said. "It's bigger in the inside." Then I started laughing like a mad man.

And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Hot Topic.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nategifford
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
1001 Dad Jokes

My brother's wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and being a new father, my brother and dad sat down to talk. I heard my brother expressing his concerns about being a new father, and all the challenges it would bring. My dad just smiled and put his hand on my brother's shoulder, pulling out a big, goofy colored book titled '1001 Dad Jokes.' With this, my brother began to tear up. He looked at my dad and said "Dad...I'm honored." My dad, with some tears of pride in his eyes as well sniffled and said...

"Hi honored, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThatOneRussian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Got my wife REALLY good

We're in the process of packing up our house to move to a new one. So we have a ton of boxes from Home Depot on the side that are labeled "Home Depot moving boxes".

So she looks and says "I know you're supposed to use these really small boxes for books. But what are you supposed to use these really big ones for?"

My response: "Well, it says on the side they're used for moving."

She looked like she wanted to throttle me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zero44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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I dad joked my son and boyfriend

A little background: My son is about 18 months old, and I read to him every night before bed. He chooses his book, and 99 times out of 100, he chooses "Dear Zoo."

For those who haven't read it, it's about a child who continually writes to the zoo in search for a pet. They send him and elephant which was too big, so he sent it back. Then they send him a giraffe who was too tall, so he sent him back etc. until he gets a dog, which is of course, perfect.

Since our son is talking more and more, my boyfriend was trying to coax our son to say the name of the book:

Boyfriend: what do you want to read tonight? Does it start with dear?....

Me: No, it starts with an Elephant.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scnavi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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This guy out-dadjoked my own dad

Today Dad and I are on a tour and this other dad is making small talk. He drops these on us without warning:

D2: What's the only book of the Bible that mentions baseball?
Genesis! It says "In the beginning..."
D1: ... Oh, in the "big inning" ... uncomfortable chuckle

D2: When does the Bible mention football?
When Jesus went for the cross.

everyone else looks at each other as if to groan

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Wxyo
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/m_bowker-brown
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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