I said the best things in life are free

The judge didn't buy it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DesertWolf45
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.

He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DweadPiwateWoberts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The colonoscopy wasn't the best experience of my life.

But it was right up there.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I wanted to write a letter to my best friend named "Life"

I accidentally dropped it! But,i caught it before it dropped to the floor. Then i realised...
I was holding on to "Dear Life,"
After i gave the letter to him,he gave me lemons,i still don't know why though,but i made lemonade,it just felt right.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Youssef_Hany1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear when Optimus was living the best life?

They say he was in his prime

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TotteryTurtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Roivas14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Best joke of my life (kinda)

So at my school, we had a pipe burst.

Joke at the end of you want to skip

Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.

So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.

And then it was my moment to shine.

So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,

"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".

And I just say this:

"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YourRoyalF0xy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When I was asleep, my best friend whom I'd trust with my life robbed me of everything except the shoes on my feet.

He left me with trusty shoes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheLastJoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is the best season to sell Life Alert?

Fall

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/winnieismydog
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think I made the best pun I'll ever make in my life

I was playing Overwatch with my friend. After a round ended, I saw that I had gotten 2222 exp. The conversation went like this:

"Oh weird, I got 2222 (said two-two-two-two out loud) experience that round."

"Really? So did I"

"Wait, seriously? Four twos?"

"Yep"

"Wow, how fortuitous"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoewithaB
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The best life advice I ever received was from a box of matches

Keep in a dry place, away from children.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EkkenCoron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I asked my mom about the best moment of her life

She said that giving birth to me really brought out the child in her

๐Ÿ‘︎ 54
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Strassboom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my Nephew with the best Dad joke of my life

This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"

Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"

Nephew: "why not?"

Me: "Because they have have bear feet"

My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fr0zen_yetti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad made the best joke of his life today

I've been packing to go back to school, and our dog's been getting pretty suspicious.

Mom: I think he knows something's up.

Dad: Course he does! He's a Baggins!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dostmotherknow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I want to write a story about a man who wants to be the best Chinese food chef. But he needs to get his life together so he can focus.

I'll call it "Wonton Distraction."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/adez23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Possibly the best pun of my life (a true story)

My wife ordered some linen pants from Land's End. She got them earlier this week, and was concerned that since it's October, it's too late in the year to wear them to work. But she really liked the pants.

She made the mistake of asking me what I thought, so I said the first thing that came to mind:

"Linen doubt? Whip it out!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bobthewriter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/halfs2010
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyLatestInvention
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did John say to Marry?

You've been the best part of my life and I cant imagine my life with you. Will you marry me?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/okmango69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/404--File-Not-Found
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife Nara

My exwife, Nara made the best pizzas. But thats about all she was good for. She cheated on me, took half my life savings, and left with the kids. I wish I didn't Marinara

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loot98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NeishaJane
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timthedriller
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y2KoNo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Sir, look at this."

"What's that Haskins?"

"I know your love life sucks, so I signed you up to a dating website."

"I'm not comfortable with a robot finding love for me."

"It says your best chance for love is in October."

"Why then?"

"Because it's autumn mated."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RayInRed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.

I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.

So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!

I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"

"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"

I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.

But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....

Life is fun

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ashhtreeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, โ€œHey, what did you do in your life?โ€ The guy says, โ€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasnโ€™t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.โ€ The preacher says, โ€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.โ€ Finally, itโ€™s the bus driverโ€™s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, โ€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?โ€ โ€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?โ€ โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ says God. โ€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?โ€ God says, โ€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Leoninator123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL

Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment.

Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?"

Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is."

Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 200
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/clooghee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really donโ€™t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you donโ€™t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you donโ€™t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, โ€Donโ€™t be a fool, stay in school!โ€

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

โ€˜Punโ€™ puns donโ€™t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

Iโ€™ll do algebra. Iโ€™ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Donโ€™t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you donโ€™t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zmanofdoom95
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasnโ€™t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this ladโ€™s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the familyโ€™s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasnโ€™t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the โ€œAmerican dreamโ€ and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jackcrackaman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Breastfeeding joke

Girlfriend is breastfeeding baby delatches to say hi to dada

Hey Banana want a milkshake?

shakes moms boobs

10/10 Best Dad Joke of my life.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TylerTheSnakeKeeper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I met a rather old gentleman sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked what was the matter.

โ€œIโ€™m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest lifeโ€.

โ€œThat sounds wonderfulโ€ I said โ€œWhy are you crying?โ€

โ€œI canโ€™t remember where we live!โ€ he wailed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got a groan and a laugh at work today

So I had a table say they had a hair in their food. I went and apologized and said I would remake it immediately. I brought it out to the table and I told them the secret ingredient I used this time was NAIR. The dad laughed, the mom groaned, and the kid asked what NAIR was, the mom said it was "Hair Remover". The look on the kid's face when she recognized the joke was amazing.... Best shift of my life.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 83
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rationaljackass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An entire auditorium groaned...

I have a course in religious symbols at university, and we had an assignment to go around town and take pictures of random religious symbols we would stumble over. Next lecture the Professor had made a collection of the best pictures into a powerpoint and we were to spend two hours analyzing them.
After about an hour we came to this picture of a wiccan pentagram in the window above a animalshelter, and the professor asked: "Why do you think this is here?" before I even had time to think, and stop my self I bursted: Maybe a dyslectic thought it was a PETAgram?
Alot of bored students life got a tad more depressing after that...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GenJohnnyN
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two potatoes were walking together down the street.

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dandan_56
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I loved first grade...

Best three years of my life.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My best friend...

My best friend doesn't have much luck in his private life. His 1st wife left him and the 2nd one isn't going to.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justin19081
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m Syriasly sick of all these gas attacks!

Yes itโ€™s a double pun. This is probably the best thing Iโ€™ve ever done in my whole life...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HansCrotchfelt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.