Best Axe Puns

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

I need help for a project! What are your best puns that have anything to do with wood?

Examples:

"Can I axe you a question?"

"I wood stay longer, but I have to leaf now"

EDIT: another one: "birch please!"

So my boss and I are painting a large room and we tend to talk aimlessly about random stuff when working.

We start talking about what the best way to die would be and the topic comes up about beheading and the different methods throughout the ages.

Me: "Guillotine is kinda cool because your head gets sheared off and your still alive and they hold your head toward the cheering crowds and apparently you can still see them, and even move your eyes.

Him: what about by axe?

me: Beheading by Axe would be painful because not only do you not die right away, but sometimes it takes multiple swings to take your head off. It even gets stuck sometimes.

Him: So the Executioner would be having to pry the Axe back and forth like its stuck in a log?

Me: yeah.

Him: What a pain in the neck.

I heartily bellowed in laughter , guffawed even, and gave him props for it.