Her: I’m done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!

Me: I’m only forty, love.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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My two month old daughter doesn’t like being put down to sleep.

I’m going to try complementing her instead.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you’re in your prime

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

πŸ‘︎ 483
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TongueSupper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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My 7yr old son is getting a jump start on being a dad

We were parking and I read the street sweeper sign out loud

Me: Monday 930-11am

Son: it's Thursday

Me: ya I know I was just reading the sign

Son: I was talking to the sign, not you

Me: signs don't speak English

Son: I know, they speak sign language.

Edit: My lazy ass logged in and fixed the formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJTG64
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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Our 2 year old was being crazy

My pregnant wife to our first born: "You are an odd child."

Me: "True, and his brother will be an even child..."

Wife: ::Groan::

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtorb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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A young boy asked his grandpa if he minded being old, he said...

"It ain't bad considering the alternative."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHavens
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
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Being a dad to a five year old has its perks

"Son would you like some beets?"

"Sure thanks Dad"

I then proceeded to repeatedly hit him with my belt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/judenjager
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.

It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Proud dad moment. Joke from my soon to be 6 year old daughter. β€œHow did the bee get to school?”

β€œOn the buzzzzz.” So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardcoredad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I found a drawer with my old watches in it and thought it might be fun to make a belt from them.

I connected them all, but it turned out to be a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stompya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.

Now I’m just dating myself

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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To be honest the queen of England is old

She must drink imortali-tea

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/humansizedfruit69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Grammar may be old but she sure can play
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepyWordsmith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me!" He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!"

She reasoned, "Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Me to my 4 year old: "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

My 4 year old: "Older!"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/texas1st
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Should old acquaintance be forgot...
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingtiger79
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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When I was training to be a teller, an old woman came in and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/British-Mystery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said "how can he only be six if you're six"?

He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"

Credit: u/Alphawolf227

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_i_like_potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse

He answered me neigh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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I was in the car with my 10 year old daughter and there was a sign that said road works ahead. She’s said road works ahead , that’s a relief. I’ve never been so proud to be a dad.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tabrjo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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This might be so old it's new again

A comedian backed by the Mafia was doing a show in New York. In the audience was group of foreign religious leaders, in town for a UN conference. Oddly, that group was very vocal in their heckling of the poor comic. Particularly vociferous was the Hindu leader from India.

Noticing this from offstage, the Mafia Don told one of his thugs to make his way to their section and menacingly "encourage" them that they should "shaddap already".

The thug asked the Don if there was one of the group who should receive... "extra-strength" encouragement. The Don replied "Yes. Weigh down upon the Swami ribber".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SQLDave
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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What’s a ghost’s least favourite room in the house?

The living room!

My 9-yr old son just told me this out of nowhere whilst I was cooking, and I couldn’t be more proud of him!

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gallifreyfalls55
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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The other day during dinner, my 9 year old son said, "did you know there are some numbers that can only be divided by themselves and 1? Like 43."

I responded, "that is a prime example."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmrmusic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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There was a man that wasn't allowed to fart.

Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.

After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.

When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.

When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:

"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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When will Ryan Gosling be old enough to be called Ryan Goose?
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheep_Thrills
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.

He’s not looking so good.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stopthisnow20689
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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10 year old responded with great dad joke.

My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My 2 year old is playing with Lego and I said "are you going to be an engineer?" my wife says we always need more engineers!

I said "yeah, engines are quite deaf"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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At the end of a call at my job, I ask if there’s anything else I can help with.

Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, β€œYeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?” I replied, without skipping a beat, β€œOh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veelagirl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old.

It is Ancient Grease.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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+ 24 others

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What did the old, ripped rope say to the young strong rope when asked if it can still be used to tug a boat?

I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingofthepassel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Eye of Newt, of witch potion lore, is actually...

nothing more than good, old-fashioned ground mustard seed emulsified in oil. This means mustard could actually be called newt butter. Or, for those who have their doubts... I can’t believe it’s newt butter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Five years old and ready to be a dad

I was walking my son to kindergarten today and he saw an anthill. He asked what it was like inside, so I told him that it's a bunch of tunnels, like a big ant city. Without missing a beat, he said "so, like... Ant Francisco?" and gave me a cheesy smile.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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My 16 year old brother is ready to be a dad

I was microwaving some leftovers that happened to contain mushrooms, and I forgot to cover them. Naturally, they coated the inside of the microwave. I described it as a nuclear explosion, and my brother responds with "did it make a mushroom cloud?"

I was proud

Edit: typo

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Sometimes in old insulation there can be toxic chemicals.

You should avoid them asbestos you can.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthElevator
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Reading to my 5 year old the other day when this picture came up, and my wife said β€œhe must be dropping a log.” I think I’ve trained her well.

https://i.imgur.com/gCd9CRy.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMC0317
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A daughter asked her father, "Why are they called shoes?"

The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkangel_Ash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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What did the dragon say to the office worker?

You're fired!

Credit my 9 year old son, flexing being a dad early.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieDR
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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My 3 year old is ready to be a dad

The other day my son, who is almost three, walks into the kitchen where I was cooking dinner. He looked up at the cabinet that has the cookies and such and pointed like he wanted something. I stoop down to pick him up and ask:

Me: "What's up, dude?" Son: (gesturing upwards like a Roman senator) "The ceiling!"

yep, yep it is kid.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spiegelprime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"

And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.

I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"

I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.

Someone call 911 I'm ded

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My son asked if he could give me a kiss...

"Disgusting! I'm old enough to be your father!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDDDouble
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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My 9 year old just got my wife - and I couldn't be prouder

9yo: Mom, what are you listening to?

Wife: Pandora

9yo: What station?

Wife: OK Go.

9yo: OK, I'll go.

And my 9yo proceeded to walk out the door. I was so proud! Had a little tear in my eye and everything.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattProducer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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My 7yr old got me: If the pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be famous for?

Being like 400 years old.

πŸ‘︎ 342
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YOLO4JESUS420SWAG
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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If a guy named Dale told a bad story about an old beer, it would be Dale's stale pale ale tale fail.
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark5301
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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Chemistry jokes may be old and dead.

But I just can't seem to Barium.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jerrymadd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2012
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I was given this as a representation of me. I must be too old, I don't get it.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egregiousmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
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Conversation with dad after sending picture of baby elephant:

Me: I know that you love your elephants

Dad: If I could afford to get one.....

Me: Haha. I know you would. They grow up to eat a LOT though

Dad: I can see it now, Mom and I are old, can hardly see, no license. Get out the 'ol elephant and go shopping.😎 Would be plenty of room for groceries and stuff. Elephants have large trunks...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sapiensdux
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said β€œMy yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

β€œAll finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

β€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

β€œI sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

(I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be?

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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When I grow old, the 'dad jokes' I will make will be majestic...

Because they will be 'grand-dad jokes'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chinmay7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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My uncle is so cringey lol

I called some relatives and got to hear this gem of a conversation:

My stupid teenage cousin wants to go to some party and my uncle was so cringe. He said to him that everything was dangerous due to exposure and he quoted statements made popular in the news:

Steven: I want to go to Nikki's No School party.

Uncle: Are you crazy? You have to be safe. What about social distancing, Steve?

Steven: I'm not going to get sick. I'm not old.

Uncle: Yeah you can, you idiot. You're not going. Hashtag go home, I mean stay home.

I was like πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourenotquiteme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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My three year-old nephew is going to be a great dad

Nephew was dressed as a hot dog for Halloween.

Me: Go ahead to the next house we will catch up Nephew (looking dejected): I don't have any ketchup.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImdownwDetroit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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7 year old daughter is going to be a great dad

Daughter reading a book about animals and sees a picture of a pig. Girl: Mom that pig is to dry, he needs some oinkment. Wife: You are your father's daughter. While I laughed proudly.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lost_jefe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justinerwin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Just Dad Joked my Geology Class

While learning about atoms, my instructor said that covalent bonds were the strongest bonds. I said, "I always thought Sean Connery was the strongest Bond." So many groans. I could feel the eye rolls. I love being the old guy in class.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TingleSack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I knew my 3 year old would grow up to be an artist...

I saw the writing on the walls.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elmerfudddied
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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My 3 year old is going to be a fantastic father.

He was struggling to do something so I offered to help:

Hey buddy do you need a hand.

No thanks, I have two.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bic_Parker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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My old highschool teacher must be a great dad

During class

Student: My arm hurting me, can I go see the school nurse?

Teacher: If your arm is hurting you, you should throw it in jail.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dividinq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
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When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said β€œwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, β€œit’s my high knee.”

Dad says, β€œit’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehocksbig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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My eleven year old is going to be the perfect Dad one day.

He calls the washer the "wetter".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dezweb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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My son's first dad joke

Yesterday my three year old was pretending to be me -- deep voice, doing "the dishes," the whole bit. This lasted all afternoon into supper. During supper, my wife and I were both using his name, and he kept correcting us ("No, I'm daddy.") Eventually I just laughed and said "I'm confused."

His reply: "No, you're [my son's name]."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobiasosor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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He may be old but he's still a dad go'damit

I was playing golf with my grandfather and I was having a pretty bad day. Some birds start to fly down right in front of the tee box and the rest goes like this Me: Oh man all my balls have gone really high, I hope i don't hit a bird Grandpa: That would be the closet thing to a birdie you would have all day Me: ... Grandpa: Falls over from laughing so hard

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
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Two Prawns are swimming in the sea

One Prawn is called Justin, the other is called Christian. Suddenly they are approached by a magic Cod who grants them each a wish. Christian been a humble Prawn is happy with his lot in life and declines the wish. Justin however asks for the Cod to turn him into a Shark.

Weeks later Justin hates being a Shark as all the other fish are scared and swim away. Justin manages to find the magic Cod who turns him back into a prawn.

Delighted Justin now a Prawn again finds his old friend and exclaims "I found Cod, I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matc7884
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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My husband must be getting old.

in conversation: HIM:"Tell me Im lying." ME:"You're lying." HIM:"No I'm sitting."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsSarahHarvey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My 17 year old brother is ready to be a dad

Talking about ordering drinks in a pitcher vs cups. Me: And that's why I'll never order pitchers. I prefer cups. Him: Really? I prefer batters. At least they can score.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tcmstr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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What’s Rick Astley giving up for lent?

Not you...

Insert rick roll here. Sorry I’m old that used to be a thing, Dad

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I won today.

After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."

Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.

It was glorious.

*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/never_grow_up
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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During the Polish-Swedish war, Sweden conquered the city of Bydgoszcz and renamed it as Bromberg.

Bromberg later became part of the Kingdom of Prussia, changed hands a few more times (including a short period of Napoleonic rule), before it finally became Polish again after World War I. The Polish government reinstated the old name of the city, deciding to let Bydgoszcz be Bydgoszcz.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolindbe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old-fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eatimchenko2
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he said β€œsix” and I said that can’t be possible your six

He then said β€œhe’s been a dad since I was born”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunk-kaboom8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" "As old as me." she replied. He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!"

She said, "Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini

I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goosifer999
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do lamps make people happy?

They bring delight.

My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediFunHouse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife saw me getting into the shower this morning.

I told her I used to be old but now I'm nude.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothSleuth86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you have any lots of coins laying around?

Because my old man always said I needed some cents, and a dime like you could be the change I need.

-this line has only ever gotten me chuckles :,)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fucked_a_bird
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Worth the read...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KT11616
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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