The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Do unfit parents have to exercise a lot to get their children back?
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.
Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
What did the bee say when he got back to the hive?
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Everybody asks me how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan back in 2007...
But no one believes me when I say Iran.
^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)
I was doing gymnastics after a part-time shift at the tire change shop, my coach asked me how I learned to do back handsprings without a tumbling cylinder
I said it actually just took me a goodyear or two
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
Who does Mr. Salt go to when he has back pain?
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
This happened a while back, I was dropping my 7 year old school son to school. “Son, hurry up, we’re running late.”
Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
Lets go back to the future!
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
What do you call watching 2 Hallmark movies back to back?
Doctor: "Your DNA is back to front."
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
Just got back from a trip to Paris...
That tower of theirs is sure an Eiffel.
We successfully went back in time and got Isaac Newton and Shakespeare to complete each other's research
Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion
I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter
Finally got around to watching the whole “Back to the Future” trilogy!
The man was finally about to escape prison when he realised he forgot something. He ran back and grabbed acne cream. Why?
Hi guys and WELCOME BACK to another video of The Disapproving Cabbage!
...If you liked this video and would like us to make more, lettuce no!
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, “Arrr! That was a costly mistake...”
“We lost a lot of doubloons.”
My Aunt Penny keeps coming back to life after her cremation
I guess it’s true... a penny urned is a penny saved.
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A girl took me back to her place. The curtains were drawn
but the furniture was real
I went shopping for my son’s back to school clothes. We went over the list when I got back home.
Shirts? Yup.
Pants? Yup.
Sweatpants? Yup.
Nikes? CHECK!
Edit: Grammar
I let my cat outside today but when I started listening to Daft Punk she rushed back inside
I guess she is more of a house cat
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I went back in time to kill the person that made bread.
Now he yeasts to exist.
One I came up with myself
What do you call 2 dad jokes back to back?
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Edits: Thanks for all the awards!
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