Back Home Puns

The difference is staggering

I looked her right in the eyes and said in mock surprise "The difference is staggering"

This would be a big step forward for me.

They've groan so much

The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"

I suspect it will be there December 18th as well. I think it's a werehouse.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV

It was disgusting on so many levels.

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

Because dadjokes here.

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”

She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

He was an investi-gator.

Shirts? Yup. Pants? Yup. Sweatpants? Yup. Nikes? CHECK!

Edit: Grammar

He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.

The man replied: "that's grave news!"

It was his ex-tradition

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”

She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“

“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

Things just went from bad to worse.

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

“No U”

I’ll see myself out.

Reverse cyclology.

Riceless.

Son: Hey Dad! It’s great to see you again, I like your new beard.

Dad: Thanks son. When I first stopped shaving I didn’t like it, but then it grew on me.

He is now a properly seasoned veteran.

His father asks him: “Son, what’s that on your back?”

The son answers: “It’s my bag, dad”

Husband to wife: Am I the only one you’ve been with?

Wife: Yes, all the other have been 9s and 10s

My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.

There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”

He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.

Hey where'd my pot go?

Wife: What is that? Me: A dead crow. Wife: What! How did it get there? How did it die? Me: Well, I just see one, so I don't think it was a murder.....

I just can't stand it.

He got a home run

But I found out and she had to let the cat out of the bag

“Or forever hold your pee!”

I was combing my dad's hair when I realised they're too long for them to sit still on his head and he goes "don't worry, let them stand. they'll sit on their own when they're tired from all that standing". xD

But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

I replied "it must be the rain dear".

I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it. So naturally, I looked over and asked, "So you're alright, then?"

I was frying and egg this morning and I accidentally broke the yolk. My dad sees this and goes "looks like the Yolks on you!"

Oh how Ive missed him.

Dad: Are you on the train?

Me: Yeah

Dad: Be careful that you don't fall off!