How do you put baby alien to sleep ?

You rocket !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.

I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Where does the phrase β€œsleep like a baby” come from?

Because mine sure as hell isn’t...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Car_radio21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a astronauts baby to sleep?

You rock-it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaSnookGuy23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.

She got a second wind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/regcrusher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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The baby wouldn’t sleep...

Was charged with resisting a rest !

Paternity of the pun goes to u/DexRCinHD on this thread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dremor56
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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TIL how babies are able to breastfeed in their sleep

Muscle mammary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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Why wasn't the baby able to sleep properly?

Because it wasnt wearing a nappy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryingToCareLess
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little Baby Balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon…

…but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed.

Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them!

He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed!

Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious!

"I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon. "Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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How to sleep a baby

Happy to be a new Dad. My wife said to take our son a quite walk to sleep.... See what happens

http://youtu.be/0l7y4ysT7XU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hlikal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2016
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One long ass pun

There was this scientist that discovered a way to keep porpoises alive forever. Problem was that he had to feed them baby sea gulls Well the sea gull was a protect species so he had to be careful. Well one night he was bringing some back to the lab. It was very dark and he ran over a lion that was sleeping in the middle of the road A cop sees all this and you know what he arrested him for ? Carrying underaged gurls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises

This is not original. I read it in a book of puns 40 years ago. I do not know which one I would like to give it credit but it was 40 years ago

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Photo of police officer breastfeeding a stranger's hungry infant is warming hearts around the world.

After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterCupHeartXO
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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I just got my wife with this one in the delivery room

My wife has been in labour for about 18 hours and was at 8-9cm of dilation when the nurse last checked.

The nurse said that she'll wait another half hour before checking again and then hopefully she can start pushing. My wife said "sure, what's another half hour?"

I said "30 minutes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpstone1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...

... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:

"Baby, I love you. You smell super."

In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Some quality Christmas dad jokes.

Q: Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? A: He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Q: What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take? A: Coffin medicine.

Q: What animals need oiling? A: Mice, because they squeak.

Q: How does Jack Frost get to work? A: By icicles.

Q: What do hedgehogs have for lunch? A: Prickled onions.

Q: What lies in a pram and wobbles? A: A jelly-baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/14andy4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Literal Dad Joke

Wife and I were talking about how well our baby has been sleeping and she says "I think I wanna night ween her". Surprised by what I thought she said, I say - "I'll give you night wiener!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hungryforpower
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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My law teacher usually starts the class with a joke

Yesterday's joke: If a baby refuses to go to sleep, is it resisting arrest?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenryLaBaguette
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
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i was shopping for beds with my girlfriend....

her: baby, help me pick i can't make up my mind

me: maybe you need to sleep on it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainer51
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
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First Dad Joke my wife ever laughed at.

I made this up shortly after my daughter was born:

Why was is so hard to put baby Superman down to sleep?

Cause he didn't want to be in his crib tonight.

(read it out loud and cringe)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonschwartz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife is going to make a great dad one day.

Me putting baby down to sleep upstairs: "hey, can you throw up the baby's blanket?"

Her: makes throw up sounds for a second.."sorry nothing is coming up!"

Me: "sigh..can you toss up the blanket then?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shillster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHunt_004
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do astronaut parents soothe their baby to sleep?

They rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep

Rocket!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shocky1987
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the astronaut get his baby to sleep?

He rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JealousPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rock it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckeyeBikeNHike
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You Rocket

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CortanaToldMeThis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get your baby to sleep for an hour on a plane?

Take a 12 hour plane trip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feezible88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"How did you sleep?"

Every time: "I just closed my eyes and waited"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pshuu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad joke fails.

So I send my baby to day care. They make us fill out a form telling when the last time they were changed, fed and napped.

The final question is always "how did your baby sleep last night?"

I always fill in "Like a baby." How else could he sleep?

No one has ever said anything about it.

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EatATaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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