How did Mary know baby Jesus was 6 lbs. 3 oz. at birth?

She gave him a weigh in a manger.

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👤︎ u/CountMC10
📅︎ Dec 21 2020
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Maria cannot upload baby Jesus picture to Instagram...

...because there's no stable internet.

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👤︎ u/risanthy
📅︎ May 29 2020
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What road did the Three Wise Men take to visit baby Jesus?

The highway to the manger zone.

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📅︎ Dec 27 2019
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What does baby Jesus have in common with steak?

They're both tender and mild.

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👤︎ u/sleepsalad
📅︎ Dec 10 2019
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The wise men come to the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus in the night, rapping on the door of their Bethlehem cottage suddenly. Mary yelps, answers the door, and says, relieved:

"You scared the bajeezus out of me!"

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📅︎ Nov 02 2019
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there's so many songs about Baby Jesus

but only one about a Santa baby

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👤︎ u/ulpisen
📅︎ Jan 07 2019
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The three wise men brought baby Jesus gold and frankincense.

But wait... there's myrrh!

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📅︎ Dec 26 2016
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Fantastic pun from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

They were discussing an advent calendar which had angered people because the part of Baby Jesus was played by a sausage.

One of the panelists, I think Mo Rocca, quipped that people were frank-incensed.

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👤︎ u/Asmor
📅︎ Nov 20 2017
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My first dad joke as a father!

My first son was recently born 5.5 weeks early (he's doing great!)

As such, we hadn't set up a crib or nursery room yet in our apartment. Sitting around with my wife and aunt last night talking about how stressed we were bringing a new baby home to an apartment where we had no place to put him inspired the following exchange.

Wife: "It was kind of like the baby Jesus...no room at the inn kind of situation." Me: "Yeah, we ended up having to have him spend the night with our goat."

(Pause)

Me again: "I felt really bad for the kid. And our son too."

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👤︎ u/camram07
📅︎ Jul 28 2014
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Praying at the dinner table

Dad: "Oh Dear Lord, baby Jesus!"

everyone laughs while my sister-in-law looks confused

Me: "It's from Talladega Nights."

Sister-in-law: "Huh, never seen it."

Dad: "Well, it's pretty racey!"

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📅︎ Oct 06 2013
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At the winery...

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

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👤︎ u/elbr
📅︎ Mar 21 2014
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Passing a church when this one came along.

There's a statue outside of some church of Mary holding baby Jesus. I don't see him often enough to know his schedule. Only reason this one worked.

Dad: <Pointing at the statue> "Hey! Put that kid down!"

Me: "You still do that?"

Dad: "Yep. I haven't seen the priest around in a while."

Me: "You go to church?"

Dad: <Shit eating grin> "Not religiously."

Goddammit, dad.

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👤︎ u/ZTheJerk
📅︎ Dec 17 2013
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