Why is Six Afraid of Seven?

Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high...

Boy did she look surprised...

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krakhis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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My 12 Year Old Son Hit Me With This One Today... What did the traffic light say to the car?

Stop looking I'm changing!

I've been telling my oldest boy who is 12 and my next youngest girl who is 10 dad jokes via text. Feel it's a nice little thing for dad to do. Today he got me! So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 316
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VBOSCH1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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My sister gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl.

She rang me up and told me she had a boy and a girl. She asked me for ideas on names. My sister asked, what's a good name for the girl?

I replied, Denise!

Aww that's a good name my sister said. What about the boy?

I replied, Danephew

πŸ‘︎ 603
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skryingqt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Need help with baby names

So, one of my best friend's and his wife are having their first child. My friend despises puns, so of course I send them to him all the time. So I want to start sending him baby name ideas that are all puns. They don't know the gender yet, so boy, girl, and neutral name ideas would all be great. Their last name is "Paris".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slackgir
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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Moment of pride as my almost 4yo daughter made up her own joke (or at least one she hadn't been taught).

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nstiger83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2021
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What was the biggest gender reveal of all time?

When Japan found out the U.S.A had a Little Boy.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helpfulfriend96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
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These two satellites decided to get married

Wasn't much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaxton15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
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My son just bought some Cardano crypto currency, so I told him...

ADA boy !

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
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What is a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram. (I didn't want to tell it. The big boys made me do it).

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StevenBeercockArt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
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A teenager drives up to his crush's house the day before school prom and asks if she would like to dance with him.

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiGuy88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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We had 4 pears sitting in a bowl on our counter

My 5 year old boy just asked me how many pears we had left and I told him there were 2 pairs.

Went right over his head.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2021
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A Conversation Between Daughter and Dad

Dad: You're bisexual.

Daughter: Yep.

Dad: That means that you like both boys and girls.

Daughter: That's right.

Dad: So if you're single, does that mean you're on stand-bi?

Daughter: ...

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Future-Agent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2021
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The "Old bay" joke

The year is 2100, there is a fisherman who just finished dinner and he asks his grandson to go 'get the old bay' so his grandson goes into the pantry and gets the old bay seasoning

The old fisherman says

"boy! that's not the old bay! go and get the old bay!" so the grandson goes back into the pantry, and he looks everywhere, but he can't find anything marked "old bay"

So he goes back to the old fisherman and says, defeated

"I can't find the old bay"

The fisherman groans

and walks outside

a few minutes pass by

and then the old fisherman comes back inside with his wife

and says

"THAT'S not the old bay"

and then he points at his wife and says

"THIS is the 'Old Bae'"

note: I've told this joke at my job in two separate meetings. They are quite fond of "dad jokes" so I thought I would try to share it, and I gotta tell you. The silence was deafening both times. It's now evolving into an ironic joke we tell to make people cringe. So proud of it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoRiver6543
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2021
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Here's an early Halloween one...What's Dracula's favorite sport?

Baseball.

Why baseball?

He used to be a bat-boy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AZZMUNCHA81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2021
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My 6 year old this morning: There's a pear-boy in my class

Me: There's a boy in your class that really loves pears?

6: Apparrrrrrrently

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BreakfastBeerz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
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From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I used to be quite a ladies man, chasing skirts all over the world.

Until I got to Scotland and, boy, was I surprised!!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2021
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Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later.

First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Justine: Ohh, that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: [sighs deeply] Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
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Just said this to my son

Wife and other son were far ahead of us on our walk.

Him: β€œHurry, let’s catch up”

Me: β€œBut what if I want to mustard?”

My boy loved it so much that we caught up to them, he told his mother what I said. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talonz1523
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2021
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A boy raises his hand in class and asks the teacher if he can be excused to use the bathroom, the teacher says..

β€˜yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’

So with his best effort the boy replies β€˜A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’

The teacher says β€˜very good but what happened to the P?’

β€˜Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2021
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Fishing with my 8 yo son

Several years ago I take the boy fishing on boat. We haven't caught anything all day. I can tell he's bored but hanging with dad is still cool. I show him the fish finder, explain how it works, and tell him to get ready, there are a bunch below us. A few minutes later, not a single bite...

"Dad?"

"What's up bud?"

In complete seriousness, "Are you sure that isn't just a water finder???"

I'm so proud of that boy πŸ₯²

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onecrappieday
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
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As Freddie Mercury was getting ready to record Bohemian Rhapsody, his manager approached him.

β€œHey Freddie,” he asked; β€œI know the recording budget’s pretty tight, but do you want me to hire someone to play those… Ah, I forgot the word… Those big tuned drums?”

Freddie shook his head and answered: β€œI’m just a poor boy; I need no timpani.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_them_fatale_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2021
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I just flew in from Minnesota…

I flew Coach, and boy are Craig T. Nelson’s arms tired!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/welchbw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2021
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Dad Awards

Dad Awards

To truly capture the β€œSpirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?

  1. β€œFixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.

  2. β€œGotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.

  3. β€œThat’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.

  4. β€œHere boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.

  5. β€œOffice time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.

  6. β€œBlame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.

  7. β€œReally?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the β€œBrailleway” and it was for blind drivers)

  8. β€œBut the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.

  9. β€œTry it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.

  10. β€œSaved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.

  11. β€œAnimal surgeon” - conduct β€˜surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.

  12. β€œHere, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.

What else can you add to this list?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yanric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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Prom Night

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 421
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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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How can you tell the gender of an ant?

You put it in a bath full of water if it sinks, it’s a girl ant…

If it floats it’s boy ant

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
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A man with a small boy goes to the barbers.

Putting the small boy in the waiting chair. He sat down and ordered the full-works: haircut, shave, scalp massage.

Via the mirror he kept an eye on the boy and each time the lad showed any sign of moving, he said sternly "Stay there, now."

When he was finished, he stood up and motioned the boy into the barbers chair. "I'll be right back," he said to the barber. "There's just something I have to get in the shop next door."

The barber got on with the boy's haircut, but the man did not reappear. When the haircut was complete, the barber said: "Your dad's being a long time."

"He's not my dad" said the boy. "Who is he then?" asked the barber. "He's just a man who came up to me and said, "Hey, do you want a free haircut?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chris378
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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When I was a young man, I was a rising star in a popular rap group. We got rich and made a lot of dough.

Have you ever heard of the Yeasty Boys?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caverypca
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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A boy picked up an acorn

A boy picked up an acorn and showed it to his dad.

He asks, β€œDad what’s this?”

His Father replies, β€œThat’s a tree”

β€œReally?”

β€œIn a nutshell, yes.”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Juice14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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My uncle went down to the new biker bar, knowing for cursing, whiskey, and smoking cigars.. I asked him how it was..

He said A Country Boy Cancer Vibe

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaTruthDOE
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
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Not an actual dad but here goes.....

Kiddo: Daddy, what's the difference between boy and girls?

Dad: These days most people will say not much... but I say there's a definitely a vas deferens.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2021
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A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...

"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"

"umm... what?"

"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"

(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GladCricket
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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Got my second shot today...

Boy. My wife really hates my jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-mad-lemon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2021
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I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....

I'm feeling like such a good boy.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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I told my son that he's just like my recliner...

He's a real lazy boy

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Couple of my recent good ones

Was at my gf's house hanging out, drinking beers, watching tv, pizza in the oven, no kids, everything was just perfection. So the oven timer goes off and she gets up off the couch and goes to open the front door and I say "Babe, it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." I can't remember what she threw at me.

More recently at her house, kids are eating at the table and the dog is in hover mode staring at their food. So she calls the dog and tells her to leave the boys alone when they're eating and is shaking a fist at her. So I said "Careful, she's a boxer." One kid spit out his food laughing. (Dog is a bulldog/boxer mix)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/o_4foxsake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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One Smart Fellow...

Not a "joke" per say but a good tongue twister my dad taught me when I was a boy and always got a good laugh! Try it 5 times fast!

One smart fellow, he felt smart.

Two smart fellows, they felt smart.

Three smart fellows, they felt smart.

And they all felt smart together!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
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I found out my toaster isn't waterproof.

Boy, am I shocked!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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Which two brothers like to solve mysteries and eat burgers?

The Hardee's boys

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
🚨︎ report
As Freddie Mercury was getting ready to record Bohemian Rhapsody, his manager approached him.

β€œHey Freddie,” he asked; β€œI know the recording budget’s pretty tight, but do you want me to hire someone to play those… Ah, I forgot the word… Those big tuned drums?”

Freddie shook his head and answered: β€œI’m just a poor boy; I need no timpani.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_them_fatale_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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