My great grandpa used to help build B-29s

He said "it was a riveting experience."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Maybe the Best Dad Jokester Ever. R.I.P. John Witherspoon

On Oct. 29, 2019, the world lost a legend. Esteemed actor and comedian, John "Pops" Witherspoon, passed away at the age of 77. After making his acting debut on The Richard Pryor Show in 1977, Witherspoon starred in cultural classics like Good Times, House Party, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Bebe's Kids, Boomerang, Soul Plane, I Got the Hook-Up, The Wayans Bros, all three of the revered Friday movies and many more. https://4ormypeople.com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yadadameannn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my way to a Pub Quiz victory

Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this.

The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers.

Him: "The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda"

Me: "Niki what?"

Him: "Lauda"

Me: "NIKI WHAT?"

He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point. Boom!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elquiche
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Do you know the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck 29, Deer nuts are under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother’s first dad joke

This just happened 2 minutes ago.

I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say:

β€œDon’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year”

Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/don_Mugurel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I googled how to start a wild fire.

Got 29,000 matches...

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialBKay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad gives daughter a literal Frozen doll for Christmas.

http://www.radiotimes.com/news/2014-12-29/dad-gives-daughter-a-frozen-doll-for-christmas-literally

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theroonco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Dads anniversary joke

My folks have been married 29 years.

Dad looks at me last night and says

If I killed her when I married her, Id be out by now.

πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kroneksix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
🚨︎ report
The look on her face was priceless

I was in a supermarket (not u.s.a) and was approached by a young girl.

Her: Excuse me, could you please buy me cigarettes?

Me: What? You can't buy them yourself? How old do you have to be to buy cigarettes?

Her: 18

Me: Sorry then, I can't.

Her: Why?

Me: I am 29

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ohuma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Actually, she's my current...

I'm a 29-year-old dad of a 2-year-old. Wife and I stopped at Hot Head Burritos yesterday and the girl making the burritos said, "I'll mark yours with an X," to my wife.

I said, "Yeah, she's an X.... well, actually, she's my current."

Groans everywhere. I thought it was hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KigerWulf
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report
jock bra

Not a direct joke, but I was glad to hear on the radio the other day that the inspiration behind the invention of the sports bra was a dad joke

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/09/29/554476966/40-years-of-athletic-support-happy-anniversary-to-the-sports-bra

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/balltyler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Grandpa Joke

I was driving around with my Grandfather yesterday. As we passed a cemetery he says, "People are dying to get in there, you know". I couldn't help but bust out laughing. I'm 29 years old...Gotta love Grandpas

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waker7281
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Today's Sunday 'Non Sequitur' Comic is brilliant

http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/03/29

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerpicio
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
🚨︎ report
The Swearing Snake

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unibod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
🚨︎ report
If Tom Waits ever records a cover of "For No One" by Paul McCartney / The Beatles...

...some people might mistake it for a cover of a Rolling Stones song.

I wanted to post this in /r/Showerthoughts but they have a rule against puns. :(

The Rolling Stones song I'm referring to is this one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emanresol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Who built the ark?

A pig fell in the mud. πŸ–πŸ˜‘

Also, when we were little and my sister (I'm 29/f, she's 2 years my junior) would cry and scream and beg about not getting what she want, my dad would always ask her "Who built the ark?" That shit always pissed her off and me too sometimes but it's def funny now.

One more from him .. when we go out to eat he always tries to hand us a straw but it's really just the wrapper he made to look like there was one still in there.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blo0dchild
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
🚨︎ report
I was barking up the wrong tree...

I was at work riding around with my coworker and buddy, he's married and already an old pervert at 29. We were driving down the interstate in traffic and looking at hot girls as we drive, we get into the far right lane, to where I have nothing but trees to my side. He says, "damn man that chick was hot" as a car passes by and I replied, "I ain't got any bitches but I've got a few birtches over here!" And cracked up. We work for a stump grinding company, this is an onion joke!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/junppu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad has started selling stationery

And toys. Simultaneously.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scunyorpe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Good Jeans?

At the Home Depot today with my wife and son at the register talking to the cashier about to pay. I pull out my Military ID in hopes for a discount and she says of course they honor the discount.

In the process of her honoring the discount she compliments me on how young I look. I'm 29 but she said "You don't look a day over 18. You must have some really good genes!!" I respond, "Oh thanks, these are just Levi's though"

Cringes all around.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atmoicwedgie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
A dad joke from 1876

In walking through a park and observing the signs, β€˜All dogs found on these grounds without their owners, will be shot,’ a friend of mine exclaimed, β€˜That’s a hard case for dogs that can’t read.’

β€” Irving Browne, Humorous Phases of the Law, 1876

Due credit: Futility Closet

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Djerrid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My 6th grade teacher was the king of dad jokes.

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Birthday humor

Me: Happy Birthday Dad, how old are you now? 29? 30?

Dad: I must be 18 because your mom keeps telling me to grow up

Groan...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stormborn15
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Not my dad. But still amused.

So took this from Not Always Right. I thought it deserved to be here.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CptGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Guy comes into McDonalds daily with this dad joke

Me:M

Guy:G


M: Hello, may I help you?

G: Yes, number four, plain, no tax.

M: Ok, that will be $7.29

G: Ok (Hands over $7.30, (every time))

M: Ok, here's your change ($0.01)

G: Oh look I won the lottery!

M: (Awkward smile after hearing joke, once again) Have a good night.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bolomon7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Every time...

0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 865
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.