What's everyone been using to scrape ice off their cars? I have been using a discount card.

Only been getting 25% off.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
  1. There's no L!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Europeans eat instead of enchiladas?

25.4 millimeter-iladas.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to the man who stole the advent calendar?

He got 25 days!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said β€œThat’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Nuts

Beer nuts for sale $ 1:25 per bag Deer nuts under a Buck

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnderJrack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank today which is a shame.

I was taking home $25,000 dollars a week.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh, to live in the UK.

Gaining 25 pounds is a good thing there.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/outtastudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Pie

A slice of coconut cream pie in Barbados is $2.50 A slice of coconut cream pie in Trinidad & Tobago is $2.75 And a slice of coconut cream pie in St. Thomas is $3.25

These are the pie rates of the carribean

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.

Her: How expensive?

Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.

Her: You could buy a car for that!

Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/which_spartacus
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
So you got Covid-19?

Looks down at scale, I got Covid-25 already.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/opdefy
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman that plays pool while balancing a pint on her head?

Beertrix Potter

(The 'Burnadebt' joke from last night reminded me that my dad told me both those jokes about 25 years ago! Definitely using them if I ever end up being a dad.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haxorjimduggan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The One That Made Me Love Dad Jokes

My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....

A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.

When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.

Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.

Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.

POOF!!

He was an urn.

What's the moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CandyceCox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do anti vaxxers avoid listening to Queen?

Contains 25% Mercury

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliveOcelot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer. Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

β€œOne of them’s missing,” said the first man.

β€œOh dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcnicken1
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

For non-programmers: (octal 31 = decimal 25)

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
50 Cent just went bankrupt

He's now called 25 Cent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My 2020 New Year's resolution is to finish my 2019 resolution. My goal was to lose 10 lbs.

Only 25 pounds to go!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was going through our wardrobe and said

β€œLook at this, it still fits me after 25 years!”

I said, β€œit’s a scarf”

Apologize if this is a repost of some kind, my grandpa just sent me this as a text with his very limited energy. I wanted to honor his out-of-nowhere dad humor even in his old age.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blame-RS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Watch

I went to the jewellers today, and asked the salesman about a watch.

"how much is it?" I asked.

"25 Pounds" He replied.

"Is it a wind-up?" I asked

"No, it really is 25 pounds"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Hole_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend is gonna be a great dad one day.

I saw him picking up a quarter off the floor.

I said to him, "Is that where you keep all your quarters? That makes a lot of sense."

He says, "Yeah, 25 cents." then laughed for 5 minutes to himself, then kept laughing about it sporadically throughout the day.

Edit: I just wanna say thanks to my s/o /u/rainbowdongs for being so hilarious. <3 Happy anniversary! Love you!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cruelhag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My mate was playing darts last night...

He said he got a double 25..... I think he's talking bull!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a new machine that lets dads experience the pain of child birth...

There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out...

On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased.

Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing.

The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins.

They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8sk8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?

It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.

(I made that joke up when I was 10 and had to wait another 25 years to become a dad to tell it.)

πŸ‘︎ 649
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrakemanBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I just saw a sign in the window of a shop saying, 'SAL'

I thought to myself, "They've got a sale with 25% off."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Her: You’re such a liar! You said you have between 10 and 15 million dollars.

Him: I didn’t lie. I have 25 bucks.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Step by step guide on how to fall down the stairs.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patfan74
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
if 666 is all evil

then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil

πŸ‘︎ 504
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benjidabest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the root of all evil?

25.8069758011

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hosuabii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
If 666 is evil

then wouldn’t 25.8069758 be the root of all evil?

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Every time...

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πŸ‘︎ 858
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
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If 666 is all evil.

Then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilboDavins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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