Am so good at pushing things off that am now a PRO.
2 pebbles washes up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Where can you read about the latest news at the beach?
I don't even know how many puns I made here. I am a pun-aholic.
at the beach, i found a broken sand dollar, and i turned to Daughter, and said, hey i found a rapper...
she immediately responded, "50 cent"
it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!
Someone is going around smashing all of the shells at the beach. It’s unconchinable
I am so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
What do you call a beagle at the beach?
Siri just said “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
Turns out I’d left my phone in Airplane mode.
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock!
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
Why wasn't the scuba diver invited to the company's executive beach party?
Because he was below C-level.
I was surprised at first that the national dish of Tanzania was pasta
, but I'm not one to question it, and I can't deny it was great Serenghetti.
My son didn't like sharp stones on the seafloor at the beach
I like to shit at 11:59pm and end at 12:05 am
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
If at first you don't succeed..
.. skydiving is not for you
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?
Because that involves a paradox.
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
At first, I wasn’t sure about having a beard...
If you were to accidentally drop your waffle at the beach, it would most likely happen in...
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
At first I thought I didn't want to be a professional footnoter for a scholarly works...
But it was love at first cite!
At least he wasn't too chicken to complain
If you don’t succeed at rugby right away …
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.
When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.
I couldn’t get a reservation at a library
I am a butcher and my wife doesn’t like me introducing her to people
Especially when I say Meet Patty
A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldn’t find anyone at fault in the accident.
I only have my shelf to blame.
Why didn't Aladdin buy anything at the Arabian market?
There was a civil war at the North Pole once, but the elves don't talk about it much...
It was a cold war. Also a short war, with little casualties.
It lasted six months. The truce came after the elves realized they'd wasted the whole day fighting.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
What do you call a witch at a beach?
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
A jazz guitarist couldn’t play a gig at a venue that had only six electrical receptacles.
His equipment required a seventh cord.
Pooh can't calculate the angle at which his friend magically conjured a kitschy garden ornament.
He's not good with tigger-gnome-hat-trick equations.
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
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