Imho, the father of /u/SweatingToilet joins the dadjoke Hall of Fame with this gem.
https://www.reddit.com/r/food/comments/3t402c/roommate_gave_me_a_cutout_from_a_magazine_and/cx31fbt
Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Babyβs mum said βgotta be careful, itβs got salt in itβ,
To my amazement I said β they contain salt!β To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictiveβ
With out thinking i splutedβ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!
No one laughed but me.
Amazing food but no atmosphere.
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
So I had a table say they had a hair in their food. I went and apologized and said I would remake it immediately. I brought it out to the table and I told them the secret ingredient I used this time was NAIR. The dad laughed, the mom groaned, and the kid asked what NAIR was, the mom said it was "Hair Remover". The look on the kid's face when she recognized the joke was amazing.... Best shift of my life.
It is a great place really, the food is amazing, the staff is awesome, just thereβs no atmosphere.
The food's amazing, but there's no atmosphere.
So there is this super amazing girl, and she loves two things. Puns and empanadas. I want to ask her to prom while gifting her with many beef empanadas, but I really want to find a pun to use on her as I present the tray of food. Do you guys have any empanada based puns?
To me this was the moment I knew my girlfriend was a pun master.
Going to the kitchen to grab some more food, my girlfriend happened to be standing there. As a was scooping seconds of dinner she said something and I said one second.. She said "no seconds" as the scoop hit the plate and the words left my mouth.. Two puns at once! I was impressed and amazed needed to post it.
A man's having breakfast in a diner, but has no idea what to order. He asks the waitress for a recommendation, who suggests the Eggs Benedict.
When the meal comes out it's served to him on a metal plate, which seems a little odd, but he shrugs and eats it.
The food was amazing, but he's still confused about the way it was served, so he gets the waitress's attention.
"The food was great and all, but what's with the plate?" he asks.
"Don't you know? There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise!"
So when I was about 7 years old I had a strawberry plant, spring and summer passed and there were no strawberries on it. My Dad came home from food shopping one day and told me to check my plant, so I did and there were these amazing strawberries just perched on top of the plant. I grabbed them and ran in to my Dad(ecstatic that I had grown fruit!) and he was sat there laughing eating a strawberry.
So, we were in the car, on our way to a restaurant. Dad says "Hey kids, do you want to see a miracle?" obviously, we're like, err wut, ok...
Then he pulls out his visa card and says "See this? This little piece of plastic is going to turn into food, isn't that amazing?"
Yeah....
Grandpa: Do you want (insert amazing food/desert/snack here)?
Grandkids: YEAAAAAAHHHHH
Grandpa: Too bad, don't have any.
