My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
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︎ Aug 17 2020
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
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︎ Jan 10 2020
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
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︎ Feb 13 2020
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if itβs appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
βWell, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.β
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︎ Mar 04 2020
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
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︎ Dec 22 2019
A tribute to this subβs top post of all time.
A recent text exchange with a friend:
Her: βHey questionβ
Me: βUgh like 10 years and you still donβt even know my nameβ
Her: βHAHAHAH omg dadβ
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︎ Nov 26 2019
My friends sometime ask me why I yell at them all the time over instant message about this amazing new business opportunity Iβm involved in that Iβm really excited about! They also ask me if maybe if shift key on my keyboard is broken.
But I reply βNO I AM A CAPITALISTβ
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︎ Nov 16 2019
Bigfoot has managed to evade capture all this time despite his popularity.
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︎ Nov 12 2019
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time....How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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︎ Apr 16 2019
This is my dad's favorite joke that he tells all the time (long)
It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.
The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"
Jimmy wiggles his fingers.
"Good. Where are your knees?"
Jimmy points to his knees
"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"
Jimmy points to his nose
"Very good! How did you know all that?"
Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"
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︎ Aug 21 2019
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
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︎ Jun 09 2019
I bought this album called "Best Covers of All Time".
It was rubbish - didn't contain a single wrap song.
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︎ Jan 25 2019
I was looking all over for this spice, but it was here the whole time!!
imgur.com/a/GiCCv
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︎ Mar 30 2018
I was listening to some of my all time favourites and saw this gem in the comments
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︎ Sep 21 2018
All of this criticism and backlash over Eminem's recent verses and punchlines is just the collective groan expected when the greatest rapper of all time starts making epic dad jokes.
FINAL FORM!
DAD'S UNITE!
OUR TIME HAS COME!
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︎ Jan 26 2019
After all this time!
The sea life has done nothing for us! Doesn't that seem a bit fishy?
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︎ Jan 20 2019
All this time The Terminator was just have PTSD episodes from working retail
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︎ Jul 24 2015
I say this to my kids all the time- "You're like a bald porcupine... YOU HAVE NO POINT!"
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︎ Nov 18 2018
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said βIβve had it, Iβve lost all of my patients!β And I said βyou know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctorβ
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︎ Sep 23 2018
This old guy comes into my job all the time with dad jokes & i have to pretend they are funny. "Can you name 3 cars that start with P?"
"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they
all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."
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︎ Dec 06 2014
This sub is great and all but I have wanted to say this for a long time now....
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︎ May 03 2017
My name is Nick. My dad told me this all the time growing up
You'll never be penniless, but you'll always be Nicholas..
god dammit
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︎ Feb 13 2014
My dad used to draw short, one panel comics all the time, back in the day. This is one of my favorites, I thought it belonged here.
Titled "Assault"
http://imgur.com/P8vQXfo
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︎ Jan 19 2014
My grandfather uses this one all the time
Grandpa: Hey, have you met that guy?
Me: What guy?
Grandpa (while gently kicking me): MY SIDEKICK!!
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︎ Apr 21 2015
I use this one all the time.
I was out shopping with my son to get him some new pants. We were browsing around to find his size, when one of the clerks comes over and asks, "How are you guys making out?"
To which I replied, "We're not making out. We're just shopping for pants."
This line or variations thereof always gives me a chuckle. Feel free to use it for yourself.
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︎ Dec 05 2016
He says things like this all the time
Sitting in my parent's living room with my wife, she just got some new TOMS shoes with sheet music on them.
Dad: Walks into living room and stares at wife's shoes
Wife: What are you staring at? laughs
Dad: Oh sorry, I was just...noting...your shoes
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︎ Aug 04 2014
My father comes out with crap all the time, but this one is something else.
'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow? Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone.'
<the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News>
'The police said it was race related.'
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︎ Sep 18 2015
My dad used to get my whole family with this all the time
We'd be talking about renting a movie, someone suggests a particular one, someone else asks "what's that about?"
My dad, without fail: "'Bout an hour and a half."
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︎ Feb 22 2016
My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS
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︎ Sep 23 2013
An old teacher used to drop this one all the time
Someone would walk into class with "pre-ripped" jeans on.
Teacher: Oh hey, wearing your golf pants today?
Student: What? What do you mean?
Teacher: Your golf pants! They got 18 holes!
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︎ Jan 29 2014
This Dad: "This will be the greatest Christmas Card of all time"
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︎ Nov 25 2013
My dad used this one all the time...
Me: Dad, will you make me a sandwich?
Dad: (with arms thrown out dramatically) Poof! You're a sandwich!
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︎ Aug 28 2014
My dad said stuff like this in front of me and my friends all the time..
"Hey Coltron57, I stood up for you the other day." "You did? What happened?" "Someone said you ate shit sandwiches, I told them you couldn't have, you don't like bread".
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︎ Sep 15 2013
Ex gf's dad said this all the time, made me uncomfortable the first time it was directed toward me
Someone would burp/sneeze/etc and say, "excuse me" to which he would reply "there is no excuse for you."
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︎ Jul 29 2013
My dad says this all the time
"Statistics prove that 4 out of 5 doctors should lighten up."
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︎ Sep 02 2015
My dad uses this one on me all the time.
If I get frustrated with him, I'll sometimes mutter "Oh My God!!"
My dad always replies with, "Nope, Just Dad."
He's also a teacher, and it drives the kids in his class absolutely insane.
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︎ Dec 05 2013
My dad used this one on my sister and me all the time.
Dad: Pete and Repeat are sitting on a bridge. If Pete falls off, who's left?
Me: Repeat?
Dad:Okay. Pete and Repeat are sitting on a bridge....
This would go on for quite a while sometimes.
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︎ Jul 30 2013
Dad used this one all the time. I thought it was hilarious.
Me: I'm about to jump in the shower real quick.
Dad: [insert grinning dad pause here] Don't jump in the shower, you'll slip.
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︎ Dec 05 2013
My wife told me her dad said this all the time when she was growing up...
My wife told me the other day that when her and her siblings would finish their food, they would say "Dad, I'm done" and he would reply "What? Your dumb? Why would you say something like that about yourself?".
Yeah, nothing crazy funny, but her parents are native Spanish speakers so I think he used to troll the kids all the time and use that as an excuse. I think he still trolls me after 7 years.
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︎ Oct 19 2013
Heard this one all the time when I was a kid.
(Driving past a graveyard)
Dad: "People are just dying to get in there"
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︎ Aug 18 2014
When I was little, my dad would ask me and all my friends this one. It took me a long time to realize it made no sense, but he still (15+ years later) insists that it's completely logical.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of the legs is both the same.
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︎ Sep 05 2013
My dad uses this one all the time.
Me: "My arm hurts."
Dad: "Does your face hurt?"
Me: "No..."
Dad: "Well, it's killing me!"
He laughs for a good minute everytime.
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︎ Dec 30 2013
My Dad's friend wears this shirt all the time.
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︎ Apr 22 2014
My teenage girlfriend dadjokes me all the time, but this one is my favorite.
Her: Well he was a good cook, but he's no henweigh.
Me: What's a henweigh?
Her: Oh five to ten pounds. ;)
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︎ Dec 10 2013
My Dad did this all the time growing up.
Dad, I'm Hungry.
Hey Hungry, I'm Thirsty.
Let's meet up Friday and
have a Sundae!
when I was little tears of frustration would ensue.
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︎ Dec 23 2013
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