What does the egg say when it gets turnt up?
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
I took a rocket all the way up into the atmosphere only to collide with an asteroid
I think that's interpherence
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Many ways up the mountain. Question is, which one?
I'm making my way up in the Housekeeping Mafia.
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
I got mugged and beaten up on the way from work today.
Fortunately, they were all under 18, so I just sustained minor injuries.
I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!
I waited & stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was...
I just said "No comment" all the way through a police interview.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin. Superman didn't show up
Because it was Crypto-night
I grew up in the circus and me, my mom, dad and thirteen siblings were all clowns.
It didn’t pay much, but luckily we only needed one car
What do you call an egg that’s turnt up?
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
Watched the cows pick up some baby goats on their way across the field today.
I guess the kids are part of the moovement now.
We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying.
theguardian.com/food/2021…
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
Thought up this one all on my own and I'm proud of it: Did you hear the joke about the leg?
In my opinion, it wasn't very fu-knee.
You have a 2-door car you want to display. You get it detailed. You put it on a platform so everyone can see it. You set up special lighting so all the details shine.
You have just staged a coupe.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
What did the audiologist say after turning up the sound all the way.
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
How long does it take to get the Belgium waffle all the way from Belgium?
I overheard an older gentleman asking the waitress this before ordering at the diner.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors....
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
A good way to strike up a conversation with someone you find attractive
Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore have all split ways with Winnie the Pooh.
They just couldn't bear him anymore.
There's a lot of different ways to depict Jesus, but I always think of him up on the cross
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
I just came up with the greatest cliffhanger
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa
What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he wanted space
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
What is the cheapest way to hold together your papers?
Staples. Otherwise you'd have to pay-per clip
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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