“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
Did you guys hear about the new Space Jam sequel where Marvin the Martian joins the Monstars, scores all of their points and they win it all?
You should check it out, it’s a really good Martian Scores’easy film
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Have you ever wondered why the winner of all the Miss Universe contest...
...always came from Earth ?
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage
What do you call a woman who throws all of her bills on the fire?
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
What kind of girl is creamy and keeps you up all night?
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
What do you get if you stand all of the boxers in the world in a row?
Heres a bit of advice for you all
Did you know Norway has barcodes on the sides of all of their ships?
It’s so they can Scandinavian
"So you stood there and watched while I dropped all of the laundry?"
"Yep, I watched it all unfold."
Have you heard about the guy who lost all his left side (of his body)?
Well, he’s all right now.
How do you call a book where you write all of your crappy stories?
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
What are you most likely to die of while watching all the Shrek movies?
All of you who hate speeding tickets....
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
Where do you get all of your dad jokes?
What do you call the father of all computers?
All of you who believe in telekinesis,
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
Did you ever wonder about all of those screwdrivers?
Did they really all belong to Phillip?
How can you explain the past of all the Bandits in one word?
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
I spent all day preserving the fruit of my garden. You could say it was a jam packed day.
Do you know how I keep track of all my Mediterranean friends?
Italy.
(My friends actually appreciated this one so I thought I'd share it here.)
Her: Are you finally done with all your embroidery puns? I’m sick of it!
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Have you heard of a place where all the tall people gather to drink ?
Did you hear about the herbs that were phoning everyone, trying to panic-buy all different sizes of measuring cups?
Desperate thymes call for disparate measurers.
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
Do you know why the letter U is the most beautiful letter of them all
You have no real problems, all of them are inside your bed (ba dum tss)
Did you hear about the virus that's killing of all the furrys ?
It's called the cOWOnavirus .
What’s the best kind of booze if you want to dance all night long?
Did you hear about the team of white guys that tried to compete in an all vietnamese soccer league?
They didnt Nguyen a single game
Her: Why have you been drawing pictures of sperm all day?
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not.
Robin: Batshampoo?
Batman: Okay, yes there is that.
Robin:.........
Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
Everyone is afraid of snakes and spiders and sharks but you have all forgotten about the scariest animal of all.
Did you know that 3.14% of all snakes are pythons and that 2.71% of all fish are eels?
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Have you heard of the guy who lost his left side? Yeah, he's all right now.
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