All My Friends Say Puns

I'm a F!16 who has many friends, we all play Minecraft. On a realm, in this realm we have a lot of people including this guy, called C the person who I'm talking about. He is 16!M we also have the owner of the realm lets just say, N. Also two other people M and E. They are all males and 16, beside for M he is 17. Me and E, M, and N are all good friends, but the issue comes into play when C joins the realm. C would somehow get all these items randomly, we were baffled when C got barrier blocks and illegal items. Also npc spawn eggs, which Is impossible on bedrock, he was hacking. He will also be a total jerk. He would constantly, push others into blowing up people's houses. He would also ship people in a way which would make us uncomfortable. Including Me and M, the issue is M is gay. He would also say stuff like, me and M should have sex. This made me very uncomfortable, so when the season for the realm came for the end. N said we should kick C from the server. We all agreed, including the others who played on the realm. I also said we should block him, so most of us did. But, my mom is a family friend of C's family. We would also play Roblox with us, but we forgot to unfriend him. So we will jokingly gaslight him to think we were someone else. The issue is that after this event, he told his mom that he has no friends. He then would tell his mom, then C's mom contacted my mom. She then called me down, only to tell at me to be nice to C knowing the things he did. She also grounded me saying I have to clean the living room in order to get my phone back. So I cleaned it and got it back, today my mom called me again asking me if I said anything to my friends about C. I totally lied which I know is wrong, I shouldn't have lied but I did. She proceeded to ask me for my phone, so I did. She saw all the text messages between me and my friends, she said that he has learned his lesson. Also that I'm overreacting over the stuff he said, I don't think I am. But my dad thinks I have, Amita? For not wanting to be friends with C?

Bartender: Now that’s an order of magnitude!

My boyfriend said that because of my BPD, I only tell my friends what I think happened in our fights and whatnot, and not what really happened. And he doesn’t want my friends to hate him so he told me not to talk to them about us or go to them when I need support. I don’t really know if it’s true or not, is this a reasonable thing to say to me or about BPD in general??

They're sycophants

Not financial advice, I am merely a boy who believes this will go up.

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• "I really don't want to lick butter off your thumb."
• "Don't lick Mama's mole."
• "Let's not use the pastry brush in the bathroom."
• "Don't rub your hot dog on the furniture" (note: not euphemism, actual hot dog)
• "You can't keep the barbeque sauce indefinitely"
• "Don't fill the wagon with mulch
• "I can't do 'head shoulders knees and toes' on a picture of an airplane"
• "Everyone is allowed to touch the pumpkin"
• "Don’t put the pizza in your eye."
• "Don't put the card down my pants."
• "Don't play the xylophone on my head."
• "Please stop counting my nipples" (note: it's the usual number)
• "I'm sorry but you can't eat my shoes."
• "The hair clip is not an eating utensil."
• "Don't jam the fork in your neck"
• "Don't put the straw in your ear. "
• "Get the peanut butter and jelly off of your feet"
• "don't do ballet on the coffee table"
• "Pee goes in the potty, not on daddy"
• "Don't put the letter U on your penis"
• "please don't spit in my water"
• "do not splash in the puddle of milk"
• "you're not asleep if you're shouting"
• "don't use the comb on your penis"
• "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you chewing on the potty"
• "If you got cracker in your eye, you're doing it wrong."
• "yes, you can bring your xylophone"
• "you cannot brush your teeth with a mouth full of fruit snacks."
• “Don’t tickle the popcorn”
• “Don’t mount the stand mixer”
• “The cheese doesn’t go on my foot”
• “The apple slicer is not a hat”
• “Don’t hit my car with a stick”
• “Please, I don’t want to be bagpipes any more!”
• “Don’t staple your tongue.”
• “Don’t rub the guacamole on your foot”
• "Please don't play 'Two Dots' with my moles"
• "You can't ride the tricycle up the stairs."
• "Stop trying to whisk your mom"
• "The mop doesn't work on the lawn..."
• "Stop tickling the book with your duck"
• "Please stop headbutting your milk"
• "I really don't want you grabbing my tongue."
• "please stop combing your hair with the waffle"
• "Stop pouring milk on your nipple."
• "you have to wear pants at the library"
• "sweetie, I can't read this to you. It's a piece of pizza"
• "do not fight over the bowl of urine"
• "Me: Good job. Let's wipe your butt.... Child: begins bouncing: 🎵🎵You gotta wipe 🎵 wipe 🎵 wipe your butt...."

But that’s how I got into BASE jumping

Edit: I would fix the punctuation but me thinks it’s a better 3am joke this way. Fuck, my mom doesn’t go on Reddit anywho.

It really bites.

I always said men and women can not be friends because most men are just waiting for a moment of vulnerability to smash.

I think the only exception to this rule is basically family & sometimes work because a grown man knows to not shit where he eats. However, besides those two, if ya "female friend" text ya "I'm horny, wyd?" How ya finna respond to tht?

And she said no because it’s her dog’s birthday.

I’m devastated but also trying to find the humor here? I suppose it’s my fault for having a human baby as a millennial in Denver Colorado.

Edit: I cant believe how much amazing support I have gotten. Those far from Denver & Also in town. I am so grateful. We really are all in this whole motherhood thing together. Thank you all

I’ll keep this short and simple. (Some details are altered, just because this isn’t a throwaway account and I’d like to obscure some details.)

The other day, my dear fiancé (DF) and I went to visit his family for a few days. While I was there, I spent most of my time playing with his sisters or trying to make conversation with future mother-in-law (FMIL) and future father-in-law (FFIL). I had a mostly good time, except for when FMIL said, “Excuse me, I have to take this,” and went to the bedroom to take a phone call. The house is small, and virtually everything can be heard through the thin walls and because of how close together all of the rooms are, but FMIL’s words weren’t distinguishable because the rest of DF’s family was also talking and laughing at the time. I think FMIL forgot, though, that we were still adjacent to the bedroom, because as soon as it was silent, everybody heard her say, “My oldest? Yes, he’s doing good, he’s going to [University name] and he’s graduating in a little bit. He’s also got a little African girlfriend... like FROM Africa.” Her voice is dripping with disgust when she says this, and then she laughs loudly, and continues, “I am NOT a fan, but what can we do?”

I look at DF and he looks horrified because at this point, everybody in the room has heard what FMIL said, and even though it isn’t directly racist, something about the comment rubs me the wrong way. Also, it’s very surprising to me that after how many years DF and I have been together, and how much shit she herself has put me through, that she could still hate me so much.

Another thing that really confuses me is how much effort FMIL puts into pretending she likes me. She texts me almost every week telling me she loves me and misses me and buys me extravagant gifts for my birthday and Christmas (she lives off a teacher’s salary, so this isn’t an easy thing for her to do.) Sometimes, she will seem genuinely interested in my life and actually seems to have developed some kind of affection for me. Whenever we visit, she treats me like she treats the rest of her actual children and hugs me and kisses me and refers to me as one of “her cubs”.

I feel crazy because in person, she seems to really like me, but I’ve had problems with her talking behind my back and saying nasty things about me before, but after so many years, I thought we were past that. For context, she used to tell people that I brainwashed DF with sex and ruined his relationship with his family and jus

You are valid! Dysphoria or no dysphoria. Post-OP or Pre-OP. Male/Female or Non-Binary. Straight, Gay, Bi/Pan or Ace. You are who you are on the inside, not in your pants! Don’t let any stupid bootyhole tell you otherwise~!

💙💗☁️💗💙 💛☁️💜🖤

         -Love, Mari, a cis bisexual girl

Throwaway bc my friends know my Reddit acct and on mobile so bad formatting

A few days ago was my (19F) birthday. I woke up not expecting a lot, but at least a simple "happy birthday" or some sort of acknowledgement would've been enough to make me happy. I never asked for anything or mentioned it prior because I don't really need anything at the moment. All I wanted was a simple greeting.

However, this never came. I went through my day as usual and nobody said anything. I live with my mom and sister, and neither of them mentioned it. I also have my birthday set up on my snapchat, where my friends text me and they can see that it's my birthday, plus they get a notification. Nobody texted me or called.

I always make sure to remember my friends and families' birthdays. For my mom, who never wants anything, I always give her a card and a cake and she's delighted. I'll give my sister a game for her switch or some coloring tools. I give my friends candy and gift personalized for them, hell I even made one of my best friends a scrapbook of all of us one year. I do all of this with a good heart and expect virtually nothing in return but acknowledgment for my gifts.

But this year, no one said a thing to me. I'm fine with not receiving presents, but no one even attempted to speak to me. I was really puzzled at first, my mom nor my friends never plan surprise parties, it's always upfront. As the day passed, I realized that everyone had forgot.

This was a soul crushing discovery. I understand that tons of people go without hearing "happy birthday" for years at a time, but I literally live with my family and keep close contact with my friends. At least 1 person should've said something.

I was pissed. I remember everyone's special day but no one remembers mine. So I was passive aggressive. I have been refusing to speak to anyone. My friends have texted me and asked why I'm avoiding them, but I refuse to reply. When my mom asked what was wrong, I asked her what she thought it was. After she badgered me for an answer, I told her she forgot my birthday, almost in tears.

She then laughed and said "you should've told me if you wanted me to say something". Naturally, I blew up and said that I was her kid and that she should've remembered, and that I always remember hers. She retaliated by saying it's not that big of a deal and I didn't ask for anything, so I obviously didn't care. We fought for a long time, in which she called me a spoiled brat and a petty asshol