I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Mom tells me I have all the empathy in the world…
Dad thinks that’s why we have so many wars
I have a cow joke for all of you...
You probably haven’t herd of it.
I generally think all minerals have the same hardness...
But Mohs people would disagree...
I just heard that Snap, Crackle & Pop, Tony the Tiger and Capn Crunch have all been killed.
Sounds like the work of a Cereal Killer.
I really need a thesaurus, but all the shops have sold out.
I can't describe how angry I am.
I have finale cracked the most difficult problem. I now know all the digits of pi.
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
In my will, I’ve made it clear that I’m leaving my ranch and all the beef cattle on it to my male children. They will just have to rename the ranch ‘Focus’...
That’s the place where the sons raise meat.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all
Back to the drawing, bored
It's my cake day and this is all I have
After 12 years, I finally played World of Warcraft again & all I have to say is
I’m sick of having great little ideas all the time, I think I have...
I shouldn't have ate all those legos.
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
I have been pushing the envelope all my life
But it still remains stationery.
To that guy all I have to say is Yo-da Man!
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I have a cricket in my heater closet who sings all night long
I mean, he's no Lionel Richie, but he's not half bad.
I have come to love all of gods creatures.
Especially next to a pile of mashed potatoes.
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope It's Paul. He's cute.
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.
The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been wondering why my food delivery drivers have all been wearing glasses.
I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.
I have a question for you all
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
From all tubed meat I have tasted, this one was really bad.
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke — What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?
Sorry I’m late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
Do u think if a British person heard an American person go “ugh I have a bloody nose” they would think “we all have noses you know”
Credit goes to my friend who made the joke
The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Apparently I need to spice up my jokes because my friends have heard them all before.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
I’m really liking the fact I have to stay in doors all day because of this quarantine
It really gets my indoorphins up and running.
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
