My dad saw an ad for game with heavily armed animals. He asked me what they gave the naked mole rats.

I told him stealth gear and a go bag. He is an exposed double agent.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chiefmudbear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?

Because it was not agent's toilet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I washed a few $20's the other day...

A very angry IRS agent called me and threatened me with serious fines and jail time for committing tax fraud.

I guess they take money laundering very seriously....

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Who were the most tired people in the Cold War?

The sleeper agents

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fakesowdy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....

Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cumsock17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, I'm jacker.

Hi Jacker, I'm [muffled sounds as TSA agent tackles dad]

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Russian Spec Ops in Exercise gear?

A Spats-naz Agent!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XanaTenebris
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The world's most dangerous pun?

I had to fly from Atlanta to Chicago yesterday.

After I just gone through the security checkpoint and was putting my belt back on and all the other crap from that plastic tub they make you run through the scanner, I handed it back to one of the TSA agents and told him he should not carry too many of those at once.

Why?

Because he'd be Bin Laden.

He laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimMarch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?

Agent Zero Zero Shaven

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rEb0oT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad sells life insurance

And on his calendars he mails to his clients he put. β€œ[His Name], your agent for life”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaughingHyena12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My next door Russian neighbor is very secretive about the honeycombs in his backyard.

He might be a cagey bee agent.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I can sell ice to eskimos.

I’m an estate agent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeproductdesign
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
007 was turned into an egg

Guess that makes him a bonding agent.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueArcaneOwl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I pulled this one on a client today

I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end.

I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds.

After it ends.

Me: Long pause.... I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought.

The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Here's one about the traveling photon...

A photon is going through airport security. A TSA agent asks if it's carrying any luggage.

The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoyoadrienne
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Neo, Trinity and Morpheus walk into a bar.

Beaten up from their last encounter with Agent Smith and his agents, they take a seat at the bar.

Morpheus is nursing his right shoulder, Neo has a busted lip and Trinity has a large cut on her left hand.

Neo says, "Bartender give us your best bottle of whiskey. We're gonna need it."

The bartender grabs a bottle and three tumblers.

Neo cracks open the whiskey and takes a swig straight from the bottle before grabbing the tumblers.

Trinity, inspecting her hand, says "I'm a little worried that this is gonna get infected."

"Don't worry," Morpheus says as Neo grabs Trinity's hand, "Neo's pourin'."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sublime50lbc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What is an agent who works for Starbucks & Tim Hortons called?

A double-double agent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A pie went for an audition for a part in a play.

The casting agent told him he performed well, but it was more of a sausage role.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coventfishblue
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to bring roadkill onto an airplane?

The ticket agent asked him if it was check-in or carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MontysBeret
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Who did the fish call when he wanted to buy a house?

An eel estate agent

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyStunny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s really bad but you better read it.

Q: What do you call a former FBI agent who now delivers mail? A: A fed-ex.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Physicsboy2018
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
As a sufferer of hyperacusis, I really needed to buy a nice, quiet home.

Well, the real estate agent sold this place to me as being somewhere "you can hear a pin drop".

And that's how I ended up buying the apartment right above a fricking bowling alley.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Knew someone who tried to make it through airport security with a cat in their carry-on.

TSA agent asked him, "Sir, are you aware you have a cat in here?"

And he said "Well don't let the cat out of the bag!".

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joelmeyer1221
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sleeping detective?

An undercover agent

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkHeno
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a Comedian who isn’t funny ?

Insurance agents.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peanut31
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Rhianna looks forward to Easter

I hope Rhianna finally gets to celebrate Easter this year. Her agent didn’t set it up last year. TMZ reported her threatening the agent by saying β€œBitch better have my bunny”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
can your friends do this? can your friends do that?

can your friends do a robin williams impression? do they need an agent?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theconceiver
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad and the urologist shared a dadjoke at the worst time...

I was 16 and had found a small cyst (marble sized) in my scrotum. My regular Doc. had referred me to a Urologist, my dad came along "for support"

Dr: Hello, I'm Dr. so and so, what brings you in to see me?

Dad: Well it's my son here, apparently he has grown a third testicle.

Dr: I see, if that's case, the truth is you don't need me, you need to get your son an agent!

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carbidegriffen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
🚨︎ report
He's not a dad... yet.

My family went up to Washington for a couple of weeks and my sister brought her boyfriend. Let's refer to her as Kiwi and him as Konrad. We didn't want to deal with bringing a car up, so we rented one, going with a Volkswagen Jetta at the recommendation of the agent who saw the huge volume of stuff we were carrying. I remember seeing Konrad smirking a little bit when we got in the car, but didn't think anything of it at the time.

Fast forward to the end of our vacation, and we're heading back to the agency to turn in the car, and unpacking all of our stuff from the trunk, and Kiwi says "That looks like everything," and Konrad says "Yup, I guess that's the return of the Jetta."

Me: "You've been waiting three weeks to use that, haven't you?"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad was renting a car

My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Siriusβ„’ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."

It went right over the agent's head.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Surf_Ninja_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Fodder

In sitting with our real estate agent the other night, he mentioned "you're good fodder" for proposing us as buyers to the sellers of our (now) newly purchased home.

I responded with "I know I'm a good fodder, but don't forget about the good mudder sitting next to me!"

Wife's instant eye roll and very vocal "ughhh" was enough to compel me to leave this here...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubstylee43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked the real estate agent

My parents are selling the house and yesterday we had people checking it out along with the real estate agent.

Now I'm a metalhead and that's pretty obvious when you see my room. I got band posters and flags, loads of CD's and two guitars there.

So when it was all over, the agent came to me and told me I have a great taste of music. I told him I expected him to be more of a house guy. I don't think he got it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bwuhbwuh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
SOMEONE in this house needs to know how to Dad properly.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miett
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend got me during Guardians of the Galaxy

Talk about the alien race called the kree

Me: The Kree were on the agents of shield tv show

Gf: That's Kree-zy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattAzrael
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Even old ladies can do it!

I am a customer experience manager for a company that does third pay quality assurance.

I was listening to a call today & the agent asked the customer how she spelled her name. The customer chuckled & responded "Very carefully!"

FinΓ©.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/from_my_phone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
A dirty-ish joke that my dad once told me...

So my dad told me this joke several years ago. I later found it on the internet. So I'm just pasting it here as it is written online:


A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said β€˜I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, β€˜What’s your name?’

The guy said, β€˜My name is Penis van Lesbian.’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

β€˜I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

β€˜So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Was at the airport and I asked the TSA agent how his day was?

TSA agent: Doing well

Me: Did they pay you to say that?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reevesd9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.