Pun request?

Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought I’d give it a try.

I’m buying a stand mixer for my SO’s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift that’s punny. β€œI hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as you”. That ones terrible. I think?

But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMWasap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I need a pun about chips for a Christmas gift

So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tazzles26
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A tire company got hit hard by the pandemic.

First off, not many people were buying tires, as they were driving less. Then the warehouse got robbed. To add insult to injury, the place caught on fire. For them it really hasn’t been a Goodyear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My cousin told his dad this one.

"Hey Dad, what do you get when you add five Q's to five Q's ?"

"Uh, ten Q's? Right?"

"You're welcome. Not a problem."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saketho
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..

They'll add consult to injury

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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I withdrew one dollar from the bank but they called the police

The nine zeroes after the one don’t count. Right? They add up to nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I was whipping up some pesto when I realized I was out of an herb to add flavor. Luckily, my son's guitar was handy....

I was able to add some bass-il to my tasty sauce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Why do British people display such an inviting behaviour?

Because they add U to everything

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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BLK, the black bottled water, is best served warm.

If you want it cold, you have to add the AC.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJ4mmer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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Got my wife good with this one...

We were discussing how to make Cauliflower cheese, for our son's lunches this week. So you start with a roux and add milk to make white sauce, then add cheese to make cheese sauce. She then asked "what else can you add to a roux?" I quickly replied "there's always kanga." It took her a second, then she whacked me. My job is done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/83n170
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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So, there's some robbers going into a bank

You know the drill. AK47s, skimasks, the works. Anyway, they tell everybody to lie down on the floor. All the people in the bank hits the floor but this old man. He is still standing. So, the robbers tells him, not very politely i might add, to lie down on the floor.
Old man: "Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm CIA"
Robbers: "We don't give a shit, get on the floor NOW!"
Old man: "Nope. I'm CIA."
Old mans wife: "Walt, for Gods sake. You're not CIA, you're senile!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgglas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system.

Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?

My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.

Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?

My son: Daaaaaad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Math[s]

I was nonplussed at the ability of the student to add manually minus the aid of an adding machine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LosGlasgow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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I bought some powdered water...

But I wasn’t sure what to add to it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wingstorm0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Old Robinhood

In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.

But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.

So, Robin called his son over to him and said, β€˜Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.

β€˜Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, β€˜but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?

Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say β€˜Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?

β€˜Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakapuka11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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I started lifting with only dictionaries

I wanted to add definition to my muscles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_Respecter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Math puns don't make sense to me

They just don't seem to add up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegod999
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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found on r/funny

^ ^(hungoversailor) ^(19 points β€’ 16 hours ago β€’) ^(edited 9 hours ago)

| I’ve never been told I’m above average before.

| ^(πŸ—¨οΈ Reply Give Award Share Report Save)

| ^ ^(Slappinbeehives) ^(31 points β€’ 16 hours ago)

| | Ok. You’re above average before.

| | ^(πŸ—¨οΈ Reply Give Award Share Report Save)

| | ^ ^(ayunami2000) ^(1 point β€’ just now)

| | | r/dadjokes

| | | ^(πŸ—¨οΈ Reply Share Save Edit) ^(β€’β€’β€’)

^(how else am i supposed to add reddit comments?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ayunami2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Why did the hamburger start working out?

...to get better buns

EDIT: I got called away to do some actual work before I could add this: I credit Dr. Jason Bull for this, from an episode of Bull, reading from the bag that he got a burger in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pucker_Factor_10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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A man walks into a bar...

...he orders a drink. The bartender makes the drink, and gives it to him. The man is upset. "This drink is too warm!" He exclaims.

The bartender takes his drink back, adds an ice cube, and hands it to the Man. The man is unhappy with this. "this drink is still too warm!"

The bartender takes the drink back, and adds more ice cubes. Once again, he hands it to the Man. The man is irate. "This drink is STILL too warm!!!"

The bartender is now annoyed. He takes the man's drink, dumps it out, and serves him a glass of ice. The man is left speechless.

Finally, just ice was served

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p1nkbr0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Never been here before again

Old people will remember "Carnation" instant milk (powered milk). I got to thinking that if you added water to Carnation milk, then let it evaporate back to a powder,... then add water again it would be "ReinCarnation!"

[Yes, I'm a dad, so I'm fully licensed for such humor]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoaleBoy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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How do you kill a dad?

add an 'e' to make them dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSygil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Boat names

Keeping up a-pier-ances

The Sturgeon-General

A fine piece of bass

All I really want is gulls

About a bouy

Gulls don't like bouys, gulls like cars and money

Bass and titties

Little ado a-trout nothing

Please keel free to add your own :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrToastNBake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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Dadjoked at an NHL game

My girlfriend and I are at an NHL game the other night and an add comes on the jumbotron for a ladder company, claiming to be the worldwide leader in ladders.

GF: "How does a company become the 'worldwide leader' of ladders?"

Random guy sitting beside us: "One step at a time"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecondPeriodStout
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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Overheard on the NYC subway

This was maybe two weeks ago. I'm riding the subway to work when this young girl, maybe 6 or 7, looks up at her dad and says, β€œDaddy, what time is?”

She then hastily and very seriously adds, β€œAnd don't say β€˜Party time’!”

It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. Nice job, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Deus_Lo_Vult-
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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So proud of my wife.

Me: β€œwant to make some cookies this weekend?”

My wife: β€œsure, we can add it to the to-dough-list”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patbergix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
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I just purchased powdered water...

I don't know what to add tho.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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I need mole puns

On October 23 (6.02x10^23) in my chem class we celebrate mole day. You have to make a project revolving around a mole pun. This year I did MoleDemort and printed a life size Voldemort with a mole head, but I'm out of ideas for Chem 2 AP next year. Want to get ideas early on, any suggestions? Some examples already taken that I don't want to repeat: Darth Mole Moleverine

I will add more as I remember, or if you come up with one that's already done.

Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/survivalking4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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When God was integrating Planet Earth, he suddenly recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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