Actual Funny Puns

However, it IS humerus

No strings attached.

So I’ve taken steps to avoid them

The first order of business is asking everyone to ease off the "I was going to tell a ____ joke, but..." format for a while. Too many are reporting those as reposts. I like them, but there is the "comedic rule of 3," so maybe we can lay off telling them for a while. That goes for various permutations of this setup as well. So let's try not to wear others' punderwear.

Next, we have an issue with too many reporting things that are not in violation of either our rules or site-wide rules, and falsely accusing power users and karma-getters of being spambots. Our overall policy is not to remove high-karma posts unless they are actual commercial spam or are told at the expense of marginalized groups (per Reddit's sitewide rule #1). Please do not use the Report button as a "super downvote."

Then, there probably needs to be a reminder to try avoiding the "one-joke" style of puns. I like them, but Reddit doesn't like them (sitewide rule #1) and they are outside our rules too (rule #7). I wish we could host those here as I find them funny, and I don't appreciate folks who are overly thin-skinned. The Reddit admins seem to have a zero-tolerance stance against such jokes/puns, even if there are no hateful motives underneath.

And of course, I want to remind the users here that they are just awesome! Without you, this sub would not be what it is.

If others want to make puns about this below, feel free! And as always, have fun!

The rest have been 9's and 10's.

Why can't the Oracle from the Matrix stir her coffee?

Because there is no spoon.

It means they're preparing for a wurst käse scenario.

Mad-at-gas-car. (This one was told by a friend's daughter)

They put me in the ICU.

To pick their noses

Because they ain't got any teeth to bite with.

She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

The other guys say the he is a plane crash investigator.

Uno, Dos, POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

He even used to be a comic

Human skin, cause in the Bible it says Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 2 miles.

it’s just digging up the passed.

Then the other piece of bacon yells “ Oh my god, talking bacon!”

I stood up, walked around the room, and asked again

so a sub read it

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

I'm on season 5 now, but I still don't know what it has to do with security

That's the joke.

I said: “because he’s cross eyed!?” to which he replied: “no, because he’s really heavy.”

Layhehu

Supplies!

Prism... it's a light sentence

Hossferatu.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Gangsters pair o' dice.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OTTAWA!

We planned on going to this really cool mexican restaurant in town but she was running late.

Me: How long are you gonna be?

Her: Almost done, just have to blow-dry my hair.

Me: Well blow-dry all of them, WE GOTTA GO!

she chuckled but it could just be from her plotting my "accidental" death in her head.

because he was stuffed!

Alphawetical.

But I don't think he could do standup.

He sure was overreacting

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people’s head

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

He was the Qing of puns

I wanted to get a head.

So I said, “But you still have a guys body…”

And he said, “Your right. I’ll go get the shovel. Where do you wanna bury him?”