A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
Why is dark written with a K not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...
Hammer - This is Not a Drill
I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
So... there was a nose measuring contest. There were some really long ones like 10 inches. But Fred had the longest at 12 inches. The judge didn’t like that. It’s not a nose then is it... it’s a foot.
When is a door not a door?
Not a dad, but I have a good one
kid: RERErRErerErRerererererEreRerrerereRrErrrErEre!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Dad: Calm down! My ears hertz!!!
A priest does not tell dad jokes
Not a repost, it's a crosspost or something, anyway, enjoy.
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."
"Was it something I said?"
"YES!!"
Some people think it's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
I just bought a new treadmill today and I’m not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess I’ll take it one step at a time.
Played a game with friends...was not disappointed!
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
This is NOT a repost stop saying it is
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
What a brand name. Could not resist.
When people find out I’m not a very good electrician
I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
I may not be a dad, but....
The last Christmas season made me into a real father figure!
What do you call a person who thinks he or she has not earned enough money?
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
what do you call a comedian that's not good or bad?
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
Murder is not a joke, Jim!
Its extremely rare for a defibrillator not to work.
But when it happens no one’s shocked.
Why does the Statue of Liberty wear a robe and not a T-shirt?
Well, with the extra “T” she would be a statute.
I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing it…
It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.
We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
Why is the English weather like a Muslim (not racist)
Because its either sunni or shi'ite
Not many know this, but in 1972 Bozo The Clown released a fragrance line.
It didn't sell very well.
People thought it smelled funny.
Guys this is not a drill!
It’s actually a screwdriver
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
A Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is
I told him, "that makes 2 of us."
DO NOT BUY A SHEEPCOW
They're always in a baaaaaad moooood.
When is a door not a door?
When is a door not a door?
I am not a dad, so I can’t tell dad jokes
To do so would be a faux pa...
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