A Family Christmas Puns

I told the kids our tree stand was named Excelsis Deo and when we got the tree home we'd put Gloria in Excelsis Deo.

But it is my job to talk them down.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq

... and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures.

Me: "Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano."
Dad: "How would we get the piano out here? Think, son!"
Me: ...
Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

We were doing some deep cleaning today and I came across a Christmas letter from a few years ago from a family I've never heard of.

Her: "What is that?"

Me: "I don't know, it says greetings from a bunch of people I've never heard of."

Her: "Well, that's a strange greeting."

I was so proud when I heard that, I married an amazing woman. Our kids will have no hope.

So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is “hindsight is 2020”.

I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.

important, my family speaks Spanish

After my school's Christmas concert, I went out to eat with my family. They were asking me about some people who were announced for having made it into the All-State Band and Orchestra, one of which was a string bass player (contrabajo in Spanish).

I told them: "Si... Ella toca contrabajo. (Yes... She plays string bass.)"

And my dad replies: "¿Pues si toca con trabajo, porque la aceptaron? (Well if she plays with difficulty, why did they accept her?)"

TL;DR: Contrabajo = string bass, con trabajo = with difficulty

So my whole family went out for the traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food, and I marveled at how good the place was, since we'd never tried it out before. Dad says it was a recommendation from a friend of his who I didn't know; I asked what she did and he said she was a 2-year old nursery school teacher.

I replied, "Wow, she must be pretty advanced for a 2-year old if they let her teach nursery school!" My step-mom laughed, then looked at me, then back at my dad, and went "well, he's definitely got your sense of humor."

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

My family got my father a few gift cards to restaurants as some of his Christmas presents, and he says, "Wow, a 198 gift card!" We all stare at him, confused, until he explains: "Two gift cards for the 99 Restaurant!"

Playing poker at the family Christmas gathering. My brother has two Jacks showing, gets beat by three tens;

Uncle: Wow (nephew), you were really close to winning that hand.

My Brother: How so?

Uncle: You're a jack off.

At my parents house for a family gathering.

My mom: (to my fiancé) You smell great! What are you wearing?

Fiancé: oh it's Light Blue D&G, michigandolphin got it for me at christmas. I've been wearing it ever since.

My dad: (pokes his head around the corner) Don't you think it's about time to wash it off?

I was visiting with some family members over Christmas and our conversation was drifting off. They said something to me and I said "well..."

Dad pops in and says. "Well? Now THAT'S a deep subject."

Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.

Story:

For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.

So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".

I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."

It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."

My dad got a bunch of t-shirts last christmas from our family. When we asked him how his Christmas was, he replied, "You know....this year I had a real shirty Christmas." He had quite the chuckle at that...

My friend said to his dad: 'Are we having the family for Christmas?' and his dad replied: 'No, I imagine we'll be having a turkey!'

My girlfriend was back home visiting her family during Christmas and our conversation goes as followed:

GF: I just shot a bow and arrow!

Me: What'd you shoot it at?

GF: A target!

Me: It's a good thing they are closed today so nobody got hurt..

My family was on our way to a local Mexican restaurant and we were discussing a town called Park Ridge.

"well you know they call Park Ridge the Christmas town of Illinois, right?"

"why?"

"and a Park Ridge in a pear tree!"

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

So my family are eating Christmas dinner together a few days early, when my mum innocently asks for the stuffing. Dad turns to me, "hey mate, your mother wants stuffing!". I lost my appetite.

As the family was gathered around the table for Christmas dinner, I asked my dad to make a toast. His response was: "there isn't any bread".

It's tradition to watch A Christmas Story at least like nine times on Christmas in my family. There's a part where Ralphie stares into the camera and smiles after getting away with lying to his mother. Trying to be funny, I said "What the hell's he lookin at!?"

My sister answers with "The camera! It's like in The Office."

Me: "You know, I could never get into The Office."

Dad: "You should find the key, then."

Merry dadmas!

Christmas was at Mom's house this year. She has to buy at least 10 lbs of sugar to make all the treats and candy that everyone wants. She has all of the candy and pies and things on the counter in the dinning room. As family members arrived and everyone made their way passed the dinning room my niece(14) came in.

Her: You've been standing in here for a while.

Me: Yup, it's the sweetest spot in the house.

Was cooking pancakes for the whole family the day before Christmas, usually we have 4-5 people in the house when I make pancakes and I do a double recipe but this time there were 12, so I needed to make more. As I'm bringing them out, I say "Normally I'd make Irish pancakes, you know, while I'm making them I'm Dublin the recipe, but because there's so many of you I had to make Libyan pancakes, and every ingredient here is Tripoli multiplied."

Ok so the context is our family's big Christmas dinner, almost everyone is sitting at the table ready to eat. We always start with a prayer. Mom: Okay everyone before we start eating, would somebody say grace? Dad: GRACE!

Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.

Me and my family went to get our Christmas tree on saturday. It was me (17), my sister (21), my father(49) and my mother(47). We're all trying to find the perfect tree when my sister finds a tree with mushrooms around it.

Sister: "Look! I found mushrooms around this tree!"

Me: "Well we can't get this one, it's infected with fungus."

Dad: "There's a fungus among us!"

Thank you for allowing me to share. I don't know why I found it so funny but he said it without missing a beat. Hope you enjoyed it.

Every year my girlfriend's family and my family try to celebrate Christmas on different days, so my Christmas-crazy-starts-decorating-for-Christmas-before-I've-taken-my-Halloween-costume-off girlfriend has been bugging me about what day my family is celebrating for a few weeks. The other day we had a conversation that went like this:

SO: "So when's Christmas?"

Me: "[SO], Christmas is the same day every year, December 25th"

Apparently I'm not funny, but today I was on the phone with my awesome mom and my girlfriend was bugging me to ask her what day we were celebrating, so I ask.

Me: "[SO] wants to know what day Christmas is"

Mom: "Well, you should tell [SO] that Christmas is the same day as every other year, December 25th!"

I repeated it to her and she sobbed silently while my mother and I laughed our asses off for the next ten minutes.

It was Christmas and the whole family was sitting around watching tv. My mother saw that Cougar Town and she put it on. then my father said " I am a little disappointed, i thought we were going to watch something about animals". After he said this, the whole room face palmed and he sat there and laughed.

My family needed to rearrange the furniture to make room for our Christmas tree.

Dad: "It's Christmas it will only be for a few weeks. then the furniture will go back"

Mom: "But what if we like it this way then we can keep it like this all year"

Dad: "Really? a Christmas tree all year?"

My dad and I almost cry laughing and my mom just sulks there angry.

And it's my job to talk them down.