How did the police identify the body of a dead monk?

They checked his transcen-dental records.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funk_Dunker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad, β€œWhy do you keep buying vinyl?”

He said, β€œRecords...are always a sound purchase.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
No one has had a vinyl bigger than 8 ft.

That’s the record!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GDGameplayer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me to meet him at the music store in 45.

I got there in 33, which is record speed.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TemmieMew
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together

Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.

"How'd you do?" she asks him.

"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"

"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

The attackers killed the duke's son, knocking him from the battlements with a peasant's severed head fired from a trebuchet.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

From Twitter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WWTSound
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
People say I’m like a broken record...

People say I’m like a broken record...

People say I’m like a broken record...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who repeated the same phrase more times than anyone else ever has?

Sounded like a broken record.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The Tells bowling adventures

Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My son was recording some audio for homework

Him: "Reasons that doing research underwater can be difficult include..."

Me (from my office): "the paper will get too wet!"

Him: "UGH!" stops and restarts recording

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are trains the best form of transportation?

Because they have a proven track record

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IzzetAGoblin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My cousin is trying to fit the most elephants, geese and bulls ever in a vintage music shop.

He's breaking all sorts of records.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I'm sure that must have been a record.

πŸ‘︎ 451
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I managed to manufacture a playable vinyl disc in 2 mins

I think that's a record

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Found a old jukebox in prison...

It was full of criminal records.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chawjubs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times

Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.

It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,

is he considered a recording artist?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raaalphs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
It took me less than a second to smash a vinyl

Guess I broke the record

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyIsOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was helping my friend move when I accidentally dropped his box of vinyl down a long flight of stairs.

The distance it fell was record breaking.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Native American Airlines...

... have a patchy safety record.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBearDidLady
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was applying for Australian citizenship.

The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No. Is that still required?"

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
So I work at a record studio.

It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ultraferret107
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A joke that takes a while to evolve

To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.

Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.

It was ... a FishAnt

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world....

In fact, I hold the record!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in debt (OC)

I was in debt and somehow a screenshot of my bank records seeped onto the interente. It went so viral that a famous rapper decided to Post Malone.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XX_RedSpace_xX
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
It's my wife's birthday. I asked her how old she is.

"45", she answered. "Wow", I said, "That must be some kind of record."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enthusinasia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My best dad joke of 2019

Me: I wish more of my friends had passports so we could go hang out in Canada more often.

Friend: I have my passport, but I also have a small record.

Me: What? Like a 45 rpm?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knatehaul
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.

He said, β€œRecords are always a sound purchase.”

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.

To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katskratched
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do we want?

What do we want? Broken records! When do we want them? Broken records!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was applying for an Australian citizenship

When the interviewer asked me β€˜Do you have a criminal record?”

I said β€œNo, is that still required?”

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealFletch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rojob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.

He said, β€œRecords are always a sound purchase.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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