A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceasedโ€™s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heโ€™s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says โ€œI donโ€™t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.โ€ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, โ€œwhatever this costs Iโ€™m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iโ€™m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?โ€ To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says โ€œthereโ€™s no charge.โ€ Shocked she replies โ€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.โ€ โ€œHonestly maโ€™amโ€, the mortician says, โ€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PaladinDanza
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 07 2021
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Why is Michael Jackson bad at chess?

Because he can't decide whether he wants to be black or white

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mohammad5271
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 13 2021
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Whatโ€™s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?

Well, itโ€™s black and white.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 83
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thisDiff
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 07 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 05 2020
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Which Avenger is always in a hurry?

Black Widow-- cause she's Russian

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mark_Septi_Pie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2021
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I've just bought my wife a new coat, that's all the colours of the Spectrum.

Black, with grey rubber buttons.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/awesome_smokey
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2021
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[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 464
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/yupitsnoone
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 20 2020
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I've just ordered the personalised license plate BAA BAA.

For my black jeep.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Cecil_the_wonderdog
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 27 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyoneโ€™s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think itโ€™s a boy and girl but I donโ€™t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sveil96
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 21 2020
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What do you get when there is an oil spill in the middle of the ocean?

Black currents

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chenzi1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 25 2021
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If a doctor fixes you up with duct tapeโ€ฆ

He'll have turned you from being black and blue into being Red Green.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DENelson83
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 06 2021
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Why donโ€™t you want to fight Santa?

Because he has a โ€˜black beltโ€™

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NTIMPORTANT
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 19 2020
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What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

A white penguin is coming towards you, while a black penguin is walking away from you.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 07 2020
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Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he's got a Black Belt!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Melvin-_-_-Marvelous
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 23 2020
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To avoid bear attacks, carry little bells and pepper spray.

Itโ€™s also helpful to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung has plants and fruit material in it. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cerebolic-parabellum
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 10 2020
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This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PeeSeaBayBee
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 21 2020
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Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/spazpekker
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 27 2020
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Which Marvel superhero is Fozzy Bear's favorite?

Black Panther.

Waka-waka-wakanda forever!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ptshoink
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 18 2020
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My 9 year old returns with another joke for you all!

What is the stupidest thing in the universe?

A black hole, because it's so dense!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Valenshyne
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 20 2020
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Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tfowler11
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 03 2020
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*Black gets hit by the Killing Curse*

Black: Harry, Iโ€™m dead.

Harry: Are you serious?

Black: Yes, Iโ€™m dead Sirius.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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what do you get when you cross a swamp monster with a bean?

The creature from the black legume!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/psychodelicasies
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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Space

I have a joke about black holes but it Sucks

Sorry

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/EnderJrack
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2020
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A man burst into a ski resort in Vale, Colorado.

He shouted into the room, "Everywhere I go, there's a black bird that sticks to me. He sticks to my fleece jacket, my wool hat, even my velvet gloves!"

The concierge shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's just the Vale crow."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bobskimo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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My wife hates when she takes off her dark socks and has fuzz between her toes.

She's black toes intolerant.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tgpo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 07 2020
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/r/BlackFathers will now be a positive and supportive community for Black and POC fathers

https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv

Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.

Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BigJ76
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2020
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 252
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RabbitHODL
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 08 2020
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/prawncracker92
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 11 2020
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Tiny biscuit pizzas and my kid...

My 8yo daughter and I were adding ingredients to the biscuit pizzas before putting in them in the oven. I told her to...

Me: put black olives on em.

Her: dad?....

Me: yes

Her: on Olive them?

I was was so proud ๐Ÿคฃ

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Brokenbyher2019
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 16 2020
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

โ€œHey!โ€ shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, โ€œIโ€™m a panda! Google me!โ€

โ€œA tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sup_mike
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 28 2020
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I think my husband may be a racist.

He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 18 2020
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If Netflix did a documentary about the change in presidency in 2016, they should call it.....

Orange is the new black.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 53
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/slackbladerered
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 29 2020
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Where are blackholes most commonly found?

In black socks

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BigDaddysMemes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 28 2020
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With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Lostehmost
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 12 2020
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Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.

I guess Iโ€™m just black toast intolerant.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/theheroofunicycle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 06 2020
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A frog walks into a bank for a loan.

All he has for collateral is a ceramic statue. The loan officer, Patty Black, is unsure of what to do so she consults with her supervisor; "Oh fine", he says. "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Remo1975
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 09 2020
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Where are black holes?

In black socks

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Supkari
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 03 2020
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