You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated?
The baker at the local Indian restaurant must be very sensitive. If he feels you’ve insulted his bread, he’ll immediately shut the whole place down for the rest of the day.
In fact, you have to sign a naan-diss closure agreement every time you eat there.
I've finally got enough money to last me the rest of my life
...provided I die on Thursday.
You've got to hand it to short people...
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No.”
She yelled back, "How about now?"
How many moles do you think they have to kill to get a whole jar of molasses?
Boil spaghetti for 20 minutes and you've got...
What do you get your 4 year old when he keeps swallowing his food whole?
You've heard of Murphy's Law, have you heard of Cole's Law?
It's pretty much cabbage and mayonnaise.
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday!
I can't wait to see your face light up when you open it
"You've got to shower at least once a day."
You can’t stay down to earth your whole life
You just wouldn’t have any potential
You've heard of Elf on the shelf? This is:
An arrogant man walked into a bar. He used violence to get ahead of the people in line and when he ordered a drink, he took a straw. Everybody in the lane behind him got angry and jumped at him...
I've raised and changed diapers of 2 baby girls but now I have a son.
Changing his diaper is a whole new ball game.
I hope you guys have got your festive puns all lined up
It’s almost the last posting date for Christmas
You've probably heard about baby bears being called bear cubs, but do you know what they call bear embryos?
Would you walk hundreds of miles, climb a volcano and risk your life for the sake of saving the world?
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Have you heard about the new game getting released? It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, graphics are truly real life, an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible. It’s called:
Go outside and ride your bike
What do you call someone whose whole life revolves around ice?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.
After all, good communication is the key.
you and me got a whole lot of geography
The wife asked "Baby, would you like anything in your tea?"
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, “I suppose you’ve displaced me.” The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
“I was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldn’t react.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan?
You take away their little brooms
Hey, you've got a great butt. Do you work out?
Nope. I just spend a lot of time on it.
What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?
Did you hear about the fugitives who could only find a livestock pen full of baby sheep to hide in?
Life’s like a box of jalapeño peppers. What you do today…
might burn your ass tomorrow.
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
"Which one?" the doctor.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
You’ve most likely heard of Post Malone, but have you heard of Ho Malone?
It’s a movie staring Macaulay Culkin where he gets left alone while his parents go to Paris for Christmas. It’s a real classic
Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barman says "I've got a drink named after you"
Grasshopper says "What? Eric?"
Just to mention that while egg jokes may make you the life and soul of the Christmas party
they will never get you laid.
How do you handle a redheaded baby?
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
I have seen a lot of NSFW jokes on this sub recently. If you can't tell a joke to your kids, it's not a "dad joke" it's just a pun.
They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!
Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<
>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<
>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<
Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.
to the guy who got ahead of me in the queue:
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.
"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How about now?"
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
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