If you’re new to the area or thinking of moving here you need to be aware of Sandhill Cranes.
- These majestic birds from the prehistoric era emit this ~beautiful~ squawk every morning as soon as you need to be awake.
- Don’t buy an alarm clock, you won’t need it!
- But if you are driving a car you’re gonna need to ditch that and pick up the standard issue lifted truck as your daily driver to the office. Don’t worry about the headlights, you’ll want to keep them as is because you’ll be able to see for miles on our famous “flatest terrain on earth”.
- With your new ride ready for the most challenging terrain, make sure to take a tour down our Space Race Memorial Highway along Babcock road, memorializing our achievements in space by replicating the surface of the moon.
- Until only recently, they’ve began paving over sections to allow for the exciting bullet train that passes right through without ever stopping.
- Speaking of speed, our internet - both mobile and wired - uses hardened technology from the 70s to ensure everyone has that screaming rate. I think AT&T started offering Fiber and 5G but it’s only available in trailer parks and I heard it causes health issues, so probably ok there.
- Before you settle in, you’ll want to christen that new ride with some merch from the Qrumplican tents, now in 5 convenient locations along our main roads. It’s crazy how easy they are to get to, like they got special permits from our local government or something! Btw, the secret meetings are held daily at “That Little Restaurant”.
- And speaking our our local government, ours is very Fine! They mostly debate about how to keep our individual rights safe by making sure we are in full control of the spread of the virus, while also vehemently opposing any negative teachings about our history. We don’t want to tarnish great great pappy’s reputation. Plus we’re basically crime free here.
- Palm Bay is probably the best area here! Don’t go anywhere else, just move straight there.
- And keep your doors unlocked, as I’m sure our lovely Sheriff Ivey has round the clock surveillance on criminals in the area. If not directly, then in coordination with local government contractors using Stingray technology to intercept calls.
- Oh, but the cops are dicks in Palm Bay, so careful not to speed, or walk, or do anything… so I’m told, I’ve never been there.
- Brevard has a lot of history. We’ve had some museums shut down recently but if you’re into dinosaurs check out
Do your worst!
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
When I got home, they were still there.
I won't be doing that today!
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Nothing, it just waved
Bob
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
“BOOM”?!
"That's what they're fighting about."
Buenosdillas
Because his Visa didn’t work.
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
A happy Uncle.....
