Ultramarine grosbeak,

You know that I get melted next to you. You enjoy my eyes on this piece of art that is you, don't you?

I know I'm looking like a scared teenager. My heart and my panties drained my spontaneity. Let me stay close to you? For us to dream again together.

Maybe not close yet. By far. But let me?

Even with all the smoke, unspoken words, it was a good date, wasn't it?

Waiting for the next.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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Blind Girl Here. Give Me Your Best Blind Jokes!

Do your worst!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leckzsluthor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vegetable-Acadia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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What is a a bisexual person doing when they’re not dating anybody?

They’re on standbi

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toby-the-Cactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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What starts with a W and ends with a T

It really does, I swear!

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PsychedeIic_Sheep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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Geddit? No? Only me?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampy311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
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I wanna hear your best airplane puns.

Pilot on me!!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paulie_Felice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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E or ß?
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amazekam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
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No spoilers
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onfour
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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Covid problems
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theincrediblebou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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These aren't dad jokes...

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lance986
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
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What did 0 say to 8 ?

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/designjeevan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
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Spi__
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fast_Echidna_8520
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demotrek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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I dislike karma whores who make posts that imply it's their cake day, simply for upvotes.

I won't be doing that today!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djcarves
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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The Ancient Romans II
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordrathe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2021
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan?

You take away their little brooms

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majorpain2006
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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School Was Clothed
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennydoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sk2ec
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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It this sub dead?

There hasn't been a post all year!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTreelo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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Couch potato
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Baka!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ridi86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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concrete πŸ—Ώ
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fast_Echidna_8520
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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My name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

It’s pronounced β€œNoel.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beef_fried_rice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
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Why are people so surprised and angry about Djokovic being an anti-vaxxer?

After all his first name is No-vac

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hangryman23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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That’s Michelle
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FLEXSEALBREAKER
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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If Korean pop is shortened to Kpop and Korean Drama is Kdrama...

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

  • Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

  • French/Finnish art

  • Country/Canadian rap

  • Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

  • Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hootanahalf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonStimpo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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is Isn't
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordrathe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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@u/mordrathe - remix
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpydrRydr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4fuchssake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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My WIFI password is 2444666668888888

Just to clarify, 12345678

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/az1m_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
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I named my dog "5 miles."

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! πŸ˜€ Thank you for the awards.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javacafe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKhakiNerfHerder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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Guns
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlayYo-KaiWatch21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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The two genders
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrimpRex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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If β€œwomb” is pronounced β€œwoom” and β€œtomb” is pronounced β€œtoom” then shouldn’t β€œbomb” be pronounced…

β€œBOOM”?!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FourBloodMoons
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
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A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."

"That's what they're fighting about."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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I like my coffee how I like my slaves

free

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zRepulse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2021
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Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tttestm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?

Because the audience only responds in a low ha

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/husapida
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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I couldn’t rush more than this to post it!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suaveguile14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hackerboi1198
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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It seems that she has got a bounty on her head
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikerramos11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2021
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Happy moo year! !
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charliejbates
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy Uncle.....

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.

I’d never seen him be 4.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeroDoubleJump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2022
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This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?

Ice-olation.

She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaebassist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
🚨︎ report

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