But I’m not sure little Pete and Repete appreciate it.
He went short on Viagra, said it hasn't trended upwards in a long time
"I'm going out on a limb here..."
Bed time!
When your baby boy is born on the way to the hospital, and you name him Carson.
It's fucking in tents.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.
A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.
"What would you like for your last meal?"
"I would like a banana please."
The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"
"Two bananas please."
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
"Let me guess. Three bananas?"
"Actually yes! How did you know?"
"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"
"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!
I was hungry af yesterday and I called my dad to buy something to eat
Me: Dad, I'm Hungry
Dad: Hey hungry, I'm dad!
All these years I was so cautious not to fall for it and yesterday was the first time my guard was lowered and he used the opportunity!
I bet it will be a hair razing experience.
If I ever have a son I'm naming him Tom just so I can play space oddity by David bowie in the delivery room during the birth. It's the ultimate dad joke and none of you can stop me
Saved you a klick.
I have a great idea for a restaurant Mexican and Taiwanese fusion.
Tai-Juan
I'm surprised he didn't go for Super Smash Bros. Maylay.
A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.
She was not amused.
I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction
If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.
It's called the jk-47
... a broken drum, you can't beat it.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!
3 guys are in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?
Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A guy takes his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it. He goes to buy her flowers, the line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
https://www.instagram.com/dkmpose/p/BwoRJ19BCgG/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pg995ffh0pc7
I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke?” Me “ah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad “did you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.
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Did I tell you the one about the man with the light bulb in his nose? He was lightheaded.
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Why are fish so smart? 'Cause they swim in schools.
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Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.
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Fozzie: There was this sailor that was SO fat Sailor: How fat was he? Fozzie: He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.
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Why do movie stars have lots of fans?Because their hot.
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What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? You get a spanking
