What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army?
The army just bought millions of gallons of acid.
Their objective is to neutralize the enemy base
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
What would Baby Groot be if he joined the Army?
The ultimate Swiss Army Wife
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
Fans of the original Star Wars trilogy threatened to boycot episode 1 in theaters.
It was a huge fandom menace.
What language do people speak in the middle of the earth?
What did the army man say when he ran out of bullets?
"Shoot!"
As told by my 6 year old.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Sorry guys, a bit corny that one.
I had the pleasure of serving under one of the calmest commanders in the US Army
General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.
I am Private Raffe of the British Army. Thank God I'm not American...
TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.
They can't see the red flags.
Did you hear about the crossword experts that prevented a group of people from jumping off a bridge?
They got 6 Down and 3 Across.
I was really annoyed when a truck parked in front of me at the drive-in theater.
But at least I got to see the trailer.
What do people yell as the king of cheese land walks by?
Did you hear about the rap band made up members of the north and South Korean armies?
A guy walked into a bar and he saw a big line of people waiting to punch the guy
Yeah that's the punchline
What demographic of people make the best grocers?
What group of people never get angry?
How did the Pharaohs convince people to build their monuments?
Why was Han Solo crying as he consumed his last meal, having been captured by the Imperial Army?
I finally finished my training film for army commanding officers after more than 18 attempts.
I saw on Reddit that 30 percent of people allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. I decided to try it...
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
What’s the name of the sheep who liberated Scotland?
What's the difference between a restriction and a line of people waiting to stroke my cat?
One's a curfew.
The other's a fur queue.
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
The president of AMC theaters just died...
Funeral will be on Saturday at noon, 3:30, 5:40, and 8:50
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you didn't notice.
What exercise do fat people do the most of?
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
Don't be friends with people that insult the end of pencils.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
What do you call the people that take care of hens?
There are 10 types of people in this world...
Those that understand binary and those that don't.
Walking into the store and my wife says she recognizes the Salvation Army volunteer.
I said “oh yeah? Something about her ring a bell?”
This is the one time of the year it’s ok to disappoint people
No one gets mad when you drop the ball.
What kind of cheese do single people eat?
What does a bee have to attend to get into the army?
Bee-sic training..
Not my joke, but wanted to share anyways.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
An arrogant man walked into a bar. He used violence to get ahead of the people in line and when he ordered a drink, he took a straw. Everybody in the lane behind him got angry and jumped at him...
I can't see why people dispute the fact that Kind of Blue is the greatest jazz album of all time.
It's definitely the best by miles.
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I made a list of all the people I hate … but my roommate rolled a joint with it …
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
If Baby Groot was in the Army, what would he be?
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