A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...

a-reptile-disfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Murdock431
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.

They just want to like, dye.

(OC)

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lazy-Potential
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the Rock's career is suffering?

I guess it's really going down the Dwayne.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pedahzur
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My step mother who is suffering from insomnia got really mad at me the other day when I jokingly said to her that you're like my

stay-up mother.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pabesh17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
An ancient Greek playwright was suffering writer’s block. Kept scribbling down lines and then tearing up the pages.

Picking up the torn pages, his friend asked, β€œWhy Euripides?”

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pirate-fool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dude0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 395
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the economy suffer after the Renaissance?

Everyone was Baroque.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/inTRONet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the author suffer writers block after rectal surgery?

He was left with only a semicolon.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ph00p
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Which is the only seabird that suffers from asthma?

The Puffin

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unholysifiman21
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever hear about the toilet that suffered from PTSD?

They told their therapist they've seen some shit.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dynacus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Suffer the Reaper Cushions
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the peasants say to a noble who let them suffer?

You fucking count

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wadedoto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
An undercover cop visits a doctors surgery...

...he pretends to be a patient and when the doctor it's him down he says:

DR: how can I help? Cop: Well I'm actually here because you're in trouble DR: Don't worry sir, most men your age suffer urine trouble!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that cats are the most likely animal to suffer from chronic pain? Apparently they've been telling us all along.

"Me ow"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who suffers from the persistent delusion that he's a creature from Irish myth?

A leprechaundriac.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I suffer from the persistent delusion that I'm striped brown, white, and pink.

It's called a Neapolitan complex.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Watson and Holmes go out camping.

Holmes noticed that Watson was looking a bit sick for a few days.

"What's wrong, Watson?", he asked. "You seem a bit down."

"Nothing, Holmes. Just having some stomach problems." Watson said. "Constipation, you know. I've suffered for a while."

"Constipation? So you have trouble answering the, ahem, nature's call?" Holmes asked.

"No shit, Sherlock."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Marriage

Marriage is a 3 ring circus, fist comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, after that comes the suffering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elbrule
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Marathon runners with bad footwear

suffer the agony of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the drummer broke the rules?

He suffered the re-percussions.

πŸ‘︎ 265
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BisexualPangolin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't many people move to the metric system?

They are suffering from the agony of de feet.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Actual joke (?) from my dad.

Me: the actors who played anakin, emperor palpatine, and darth vader came to meet and kid with a terminal illness recently.

Dad: You'd think that Hayden Christiensen would've thought the kid had suffered enough.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boiboiboi21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Three rings of marriage

Have you heard about the three rings of marriage?

There's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and finally the suffering.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother and I made a bet as to who could walk barefoot on Legos on the floor. I lost the bet.

I suffered the agony of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the kid that swore?

He suffered the reper-cuss-ions

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Martyscurll5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the doctor

Man:"doctor iv'e been suffering from pains lately" Doctor:"what did you think you were going to, enjoy them?"

One of the oldest jokes my dad told me

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowT12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.

It is called Parking Son's disease.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SamuraiSAM5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 254
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/auroraborora
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkRedditBot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a...

Super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.