Islands in the stream.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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The little fish bumped into a wall while swimming up stream

. . . and exclaimed, "Dam!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/javacafe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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What's the only river that thinks it's a stream?

Da Nile river

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richkiller3991
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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I was upset in front of my geography teacher because I couldn't find a stream of water that flowed into the Sea of Azol

He said "Crimea River."

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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What is the name of the small stream that runs through Silicon Valley?

Facebrook

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rawsweater
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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What’s the top streaming service in Russia?

Nyet flix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorazine222
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Hulu Is The Streaming Service Of Hulugans.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cat_Loving_Trio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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How do you call a collaboration on Twitch?

Crossing the Streams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artreii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Rivers are...

the original streaming service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tao1976
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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What is the favorite music streaming service of optometrists?

eyeTunes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maximilian156
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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What happens when a streaming site buys the weather channel?

A torrent!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/el_natreal
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the Main stream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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The creator of the hokey pokey died from the coronavirus.

Only his closest family was at the funeral but they live streamed it on Zoom. Some degenerate hacked the feed and starting playing the hokey pokey audio and he kept putting his left foot in and out of the coffin. His family was initially horrified at the hack but later was able to laugh a little, out of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. They learned to live in the moment and remember the good moments of life, and that’s what it’s all about.

clap clap

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said β€œThey just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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If planes were alive, where would they drink water?

In the jet stream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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My dad told me this one earlier

So a coworker had a friend whose sister died, and they were really close. The coworker went to the funeral to pay his respects, and when it was time for people to put in a word for her, he asked his friend if he could say something, too. His friend responded by saying that of course he could, so he goes up in front of everyone. "Plethora," he said. His friend looked up at him, tears streaming down his face, and said: "That means a lot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MukeWazowski
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Why did the hipsters go rafting on the tributary?

They didn't like the main stream!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TRexIRL
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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My dad on the SpaceX rocket landing

We were watching the live stream of the landing, just as it touched down and the crowd went crazy.

My dad: "That crowd is really excited. It's almost like they scored a touch-down!"

Me: sigh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/free_science
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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The pun gods smiled upon me today.

My friend got a static shock, and in the span of 5 minutes I rattled off these:

  • Geez, that's shocking news.

  • How are you current-ly feeling?

  • Don't give me that look. I'm just trying to energize you.

  • Looks like I gotta amp up my jokes.

  • I'm gonna hit you with a battery of jokes until you laugh.

  • Don't let your sense of humor be so static.

  • This isn't a crime, you can't charge me with anything.

  • Wire you so upset?

  • Do you want me to plug the stream of jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phraps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2016
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Daughter said it was cold in the house...

Daughter: It's kinda cold on here, are you chilly?

Me: No, I'm T-boz, your mom is Left Eye. So I guess that makes you Chilli. (Wife sighs)

Daughter: That's doesn't make any sense.

Me: It's okay. Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and streams that you're used to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lowridincsp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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[Speakers]

It took decades, but finally, the the main stream media has been groomed into the best speakers you can buy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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Story of an abusive marriage.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Spiders are a playground for dads

My dad and I were on a hike when I knocked down part of a spiderweb.

My dad: Uh oh, you just knocked out their entertainment room!

Me: what kind of cable do they have?

My dad: they don't have cable, they just stream it from the web

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amessersmith109
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2017
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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My friend has a wooden eye

We were in high school and it was that time of year where the pupils are looking for prom dates.

Anyways, there is this girl, Iris, that goes there that was also date-less who had a hair-lip (cleft palette) and hoping to hear from my friend.

He walks up to her, and says, "Iris, would you like to go to prom with me?"

Iris was so excited, her cheeks flushed, a smile burst forth and she exclaims, "Would I?! Would I?!......"

My friend gets pissed and jabs his finger towards her as tears start streaming down one side of his face and he's yells, "HAIR-LIP! HAIR LIP!" And runs away bawling his eye out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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Dadjoked My Dad Last Night

I was eating with my folks last night. My dad wants to split a margarita with my mom. So he asks the waitress if he can order one. She then tells him that the freezing machine is down and he can't have one. I said, "Well that's not cool." The waitress rolls her eyes, and a tear streams down my dads face as he congratulates me on the joke. I've never been so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biglineman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
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What did the Momma Broom say to the Baby Broom? (X-post from /r/denizens)

Time to go to SWEEP! Little Taffy #1 (Greyson) Dadjoking the stream 3/18/2015

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lXxKleinxXl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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This guy must be one cool dad.

Edit: here's the image, if you want.

>/u/13thmurder: >I work with liquid nitrogen all day. Being splashed with it like that wouldn't actually hurt at all. You'd need to be hit by a constant stream of it to cause any damage, or pour it in your shoes or something. Prolonged contact does damage. Momentary contact does nothing.

>>/u/shagmyballs:

>>What kind of job requires this?

>>>/u/Bubonic_Ferret:

>>>A cool one.

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1ypcvn/acid_in_the_face/cfmoecc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollyfied
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Had A Good One in the Shower This Morning

So I was in the shower with my girlfriend this morning, and I have one of those Moxie Bluetooth showerheads so I can stream music from my phone to my shower.

At different points during the song, I was (gently) playing the cowbell part on her butt, cymbals on her stomach, etc.

During the guitar solo, I picked up some of her wet hair and began strumming the notes along with the song. She gave me a nasty glare.

And then, it hit me.

"Sorry babe. I just can't help playing HAIR guitar during this song!"

The look she gave me....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingbear24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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Row your boat for dad

Row, row, row your boat, Underneath the stream, Haha, fooled you all, I’m a submarine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TubaChick23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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What's for desert?

When I was a kid, a very long time ago, when one of my sibs or would ask,"what's for dessert?", my Dad would say, "dessert the table".

Naturally, my kids have heard this a million times, a true third-generation Dad-joke as my Grandpa used to say the same thing to my Dad.

Anyway, one time I was driving my daughter somewhere and we were talking about music. She asked me what kind of music Grandpa Small_e used to listen to.

I was about to start listing some of the atrists that were my Dad's favorites when she said, "Yeah, I know, music the table".

Tears were streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard.

A killer dad-joke turn around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/small_e_900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
🚨︎ report

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