The Bait Puns

You wont believe what happened next!

He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:

Standoffish

They’ll either catch a fish or die trying.

He wanted to go nuclear fission!

I just knew those traps looked debatable.

Sister (about bites she found on my niece in our family group text chat): it's fleas, I just found one biting her. I'm effing ticked!

Father: no, you're flea'd, not ticked, duh.

I replied "just giving them a taste, soon they'll be begging for us to HOOK them up"

After I said it, we both laughed for a few minutes and I knew I had to share it with you guys.

Thank you to the Disney employee that noticed my Reddit alien shirt last week and suggested r/dadjokes. I forgot how entertaining this group is :)

I love Anna Kendrick, and my dad sent me an email with the subject line "Anna Kendrick sings and goes topless in new 'The Last Five Years' clip" with a link to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtG2DJnLBEk

As you can see, Anna does not actually go topless in the trailer. When I questioned his subject line, he responded "She's in a topless car..."

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

He named all the worms Jason, cause their bait, man.

Turns out that math wasn’t the best topic for De bait

it was the old bait and switch.

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

Apparently, the fish love click bait.

edit:- rod*

You need to remember the worms and all the electronics for the kids. You know, the ol' bait and Switch.

Out fishing:

Dad: "Son? Did you just put that worm in your mouth? What is wrong with you?"

Son: "Dad, are we having a "eated-da-bait"?"

Dad: "You're grounded...when we get home I'll pick out a book and you better read the entire thing by tonight."

Son: "Says you with baited breath."

gets home...

Son: "Daaaaad! THE DIET OF WORMS!!!!!!!!!?"

My old man is quite a character. He once took my sister and I freshwater fishing and taught us how to bait a hook with nightcrawlers. We were perhaps 7 or 8, and somewhat sheltered, so of course what happened next went right over our heads.

Dad: hey, kids! Which of you is better at baiting a hook? Which of you is the •removes sunglasses• master baiter?

My sister and I, of course, immediately begin arguing about it. That wily old man had us going back and forth "I'm the master baiter!", "No, I am!", "No, me!". Dad, meanwhile, was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.

Tl;dr- my Dad is a fucking smart ass

It's simple: intentionally set your dads up for the worst puns imaginable and see if they take the bait. Post your results here.

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait. Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example." The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line. Son: "What happens next dad?" As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook. Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?" Father: "This is clickbait son." Son: "What happens next dad?" Father: "What happens next will shock you."

I need a good Palm Sunday Pun, any punners want to take the bait?

My friend invited me over to play the new Zelda, instead we played a fishing game. I feel like I got the bait and Switch.

Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.

A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.

I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.

"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"

"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."

———

Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.

Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?

I love it. And I swear the people I bait don't bite. Am I reeling them in? Or just playing hide-the-hook?

Serious question. I fear I'm a pun master with no audience. please help.

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and bait it with peas. When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

I told her, 'Let's go into the living room and toss about these leftover rolls!' She gives me a funny look, takes the bait and asks why. I reply....

'Then we'd be...'

'Roll playing!'

I'd call it "The Bait and Switch"

Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless.

Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom:

Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick.

Mom: why?

Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies

Mom groans, I give her a huge grin. My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said "I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor"

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."

So I said "maybe you're using the wrong bait"

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty.

So I said to my son: "Oh look! He's right under there!"

My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait.

But! - The stranger standing next to us says: "Under where?"

"LOL! - I made you say Underwear"

Dude smiled and groaned. My kid laughed his ass off.

My Dad: See the problem with hunting bears is you have to bait them and they might not take the bait.

Me: You know what they say, "If you can't bait 'em, join 'em."

He texted me "I feel like everyone is ogling me!"

After I took the bait and asked "why?" he said "I'm a hotspot now!"

My dad was taking us fishing & we stopped off to get bait. So the guy behind the counter said, "That'll be two dollars for the worms, and fourteen cents for the tax."
"That's okay," my dad said, "We don't need tacks. They'll stay on the hooks by themselves."
I think the worm guy is still chuckling.

and we went to the corner store to get bait. The owner has a thick Asian accent, so when my dad asks for worms and the man asks "Worms, for fishing?", fishing sounds like pissing. He goes into the back room to get them, and he's back there for a while. My dad says "It's okay, LumbaJackCassidy, he probably had to take a fish!"