I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
I felt like a hero when I donated that kindey to save a kid's life
Figured the collection was getting a bit too big so why not
credit to the r/TwoSentenceHorror subreddit
Did you know that Stalin never said thank you throughout his whole life
That’s because he didn’t speak English
My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... you’ll be mist...
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest
Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...
What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?
I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesn’t add up that I can’t remember who he was.
He is a real Mister Riemann.
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it??
I wish I had more money so that my life was bourgeoiseasier
I told a joke with a pun and she said that it took 5 years off her life. I responded with, "time flies when you're having pun!"
What are the 2 words that will open a lot of doors in your life?
Why should you stay away from any marine life that has been removed from the water?
Because they're all de-seas'd animals.
It’s official, scientists have proven that more birthday celebrations is officially linked to a longer life span
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania…
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror…
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
Did you know that NASA found bones of an unidentified life form on the moon?
Update: bones have been identified, turns out the cow didn't make it all the way!
My girlfriend told me that she was tired of ED ruining our sex life.
I finally put a lock on the door to keep him from barging in.
My daughter didn't want to eat her dinner so I said "Ok that's fine, technically you can go the rest of your life without eating."
"You'd starve to death but that technically was the rest of your life."
What do you call a accident that made a big difference in mommy and I’s life...
Someone that tends to chickens is a real life chicken tender.
What do you call a watermelon that was brought back to life?
They say that family is what shapes a person's life.
My wife tells me that our sex life is weird, mostly because I get easily distracted.
Guess I better get back to it.
All my life, I have been pretending to be smart by claiming that I’m in academia.
I can’t even point Academia on a map.
It's said that just before death, your entire life flashes before your eyes.
Not in the case of Buddhists. They hear 'Spawning in 3..2..1..'
It's the small things in life that count.
His whole life had built up to that moment.
I was on a college visit with my dad and we were walking through the textiles department. We walk into the loom room, which is a large room full of looms, and I knew immediately that something was coming. I looked at him and gave him a "don't you do it" look. We then walked into the dying room, which is a room where the students dye the fabrics they've just made on the looms. It was hopeless.
"Man, death was only looming in the last room. People are dying all over the place in here."
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.
I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.
Did you hear about the panda that had his life fortune stolen?
All people now n days are pro life this and pro jared that
One day I want to create a documentary that follows the life of a dolphin trainer. I’ll call it, “living with a porpoise.”
I found the only psychic that could communicate with dead animals. I was skeptical at first, but when she talked about my animals it felt as if she lived with them her entire life.
She was a rare medium well done.
What do you call someone that starts getting allergies later in life?
For those of you who don't think that life comes after death...
Did you hear about that guy who spent his whole life shaving sheep?
They say he died from shear boredom.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
Someone that tends to chickens is a real life chicken tender
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