"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
So scientists finally discovered a fossilised dinosaur butt. For it to survive intact all that time...
It must have been a megasaurus.
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
tomorrow.
All these years it was thought that Yoda only had one name. His family name is....
Ley-dihu!
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: βUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.β
βThat was pepper spray.β
Got me!
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...
Smoking is such a turn off.
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.
The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.
I recently found out that itβs mandatory for all nurses to carry a red crayon with them.
Just in case they have to draw blood
It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.
Dick gray, son!
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
My mom's personalized number plate says "ISβ₯οΈED" and we always believed that it was short for "Is Loved." But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:
"I Sharted."
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
It used to bug me that all my clocks only displayed hours and minutes.
Then someone told me about second-hand stores!
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus
Itβs a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory wonβt happen. After all, Iβm sure the strategy would have...
Rectum.
Did you all hear about the newly discovered Dinosaur that ate everything in it's path?
The Omnomnomivor.
Doctor: It seems that your brain has deleted all information about '80s music.
Me: Yikes! What's the cure?
Doctor: Oh my god, it's worse than I thought!
Marijuana causes users to become so mellow that they may lose all interest in things that are important. It's a tension deficit disorder.
I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all
Short
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
My daughter brought her boyfriend over the over day when all of a sudden, a pair of goalie gloves fell out of his bag. It was this moment that I knew.
He's a keeper.
So yesterday I went to the store. All that I got was a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. That was all. Fortunately it was light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I went to a garage sale and saw a radio for 1$ that had its volume stuck all the way up.
So I said "I guess I can't turn that down!"
For people that don't like Minecraft, it's all about
Thinking Outside the Blocks...
I took my son to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine that had lost all its quills.
I said, βThatβs completely pointless.β
LPT: Want beer but are too young to buy it? Buy rootbeer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer! reddit.com/r/ShittyLifePrβ¦
My three kids thought it was nice that I would give them the average of all three of their allowances.
βNo,β I said. βItβs actually pretty mean.β
Here's a pictures that says it all
https://imgur.com/z4rBlMK
Well that pretty much says it all.
[META] Oh my god after all these months of subscribing to this sub I just realized that the "it" on the title bar of this sub means red"it"/ reddit.Great pun.Lol.
The best thing about all the stuff Jesus gave to the poor, is that he gave it all to them for free.
You could say it was Jesus Priced.
Son: dad, what does it mean to be a man? Dad: It means to be the one that command! To be the one that take all the decisions at home.
One day I want to be a man like mom :)
