My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Dune tell me you don't like this pun
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
son: dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
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︎ Feb 25 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Tell me mommy, at first did you want a boy or a girl?
At first I just wanted to take a shower
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Let me tell you a little about myself.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My friend told me he once met a lady with twelve breasts. "Sounds strange," I had to tell him....
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︎ Feb 26 2021
My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.
She also complains that I never listen to her.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
My mate tried to tell me Mufasa was a Hyena...
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My smartwatch can't tell me if I have a virus.
But it does tell me if I have ran somewhere.
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Me: βOh, I wish Iβd listened to my motherβ Friend: βWhy? Whatβd she tell you?β
Me: βI donβt know, I wasnβt listeningβ
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Me: Can you tell me what βpourquoiβ means? Wife: βwhyβ
Me: because I really want to know
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties
It goes in one year and out the other.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Let me tell you a joke about a vacuum
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
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︎ Dec 17 2020
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Can an administrator tell me why my post was taken down?
Because my fence has fallen down.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"
So I say, "It's been training"
π︎ 15
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Can anyone tell me the Japanese word for "good"
I dont know it, but I thought umaido
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Let me tell you what I know about dwarves
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︎ Dec 30 2020
My employer asked me to tell a bit about myself
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︎ Dec 18 2020
When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.
She also likes it when I don't touch her.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
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︎ Dec 04 2020
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
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︎ Sep 21 2020
So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldnβt smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Dad, tell me a joke
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 02 2020
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it.
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
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︎ Oct 18 2020
"Nobody is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving"
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
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︎ Oct 24 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Tell me about it..
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Boy : "Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Boy: βDad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?β
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
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︎ Oct 31 2020
"Dad, can you tell me what solar eclipse is?"
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
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︎ Sep 16 2020
"Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
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︎ Nov 02 2020
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