My deaf girlfriend just told me that β€œwe need to talk”.

That isn’t a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Me: talks to my date

My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rozsaszin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...

...It was a close call.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, "My door is always open".

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Something weird happened today. I went to talk to a friend, and he asked me to calculate arcsecant out of the blue.

He said "Gimme asec".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pokefan713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Don’t talk to me while I’m trying to sew this small rip.

I needle little space.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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In class the teacher told me to stand up and talk about something I’m not good at begging with the letter C.

I chose spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrScotty15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I have this rare disease that causes me to talk like a YouTuber

Please be sure to like, subscribe, and comment below.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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My girlfriend got mad at me for making constant puns and then said she wouldn’t talk to me if I made another one

I said β€œI guess I’m being PUNished”

It’s been a week and she still won’t talk to me. Was it worth it? Yes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spezza_125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.

I said, β€œSure. My door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 339
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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My family must be getting tired of listening to me talk about creating computer parts...

I made my own mother bored.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Doctor told me I won't be able to talk for the rest of my life.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benjo1000113
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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I'm getting older now and my grandson asked me if I talk to myself.

Yes I told him. Whenever I need expert advice.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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Girlfriend called me last night. She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise

She was breaking up.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebubno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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A date once told me she can talk to shoes

I was blown away when she showed me how to converse.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbusername483
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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My wife is weeks pregnant. Lately the position of the baby has been hurting her tail bone. I had my face down by the belly, and my wife told me to talk to it. β€œQuit hurting your mother.” I said β€œ You’re grounded!”

β€œGo to your womb!”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thor_loop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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I tried to talk to two strangers today and they both whisked their hands at me and told me to get lost.

I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I left home for medical school down in the caribbean. My dad said if I ever get lonely, I'll always have someone to talk to on the island, and he gave me this.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clancy1001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My wife wanted to have a talk with me because she thinks I’m too childish.

But she didn’t have the password to my pillow fort, so I couldn’t let her in.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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I have a really bad relationship with my transgender son. He doesn't talk to me at all

It's like I'm transparent to him

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmote_wifi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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My friend Rhee died, but I've convinced myself that he's just gone far away. I don't like to talk about it, so when someone asks me I just say...

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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Whenever someone tries to talk to me about their problems I hand them my resume

They always get confused so I have to explain

"look: I'm a Teller, not a listener"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dxdrummer
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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Son, if you decide to call a psychic to talk to me after I die...

...and you're going "Oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed," and the psychic doesn't say "Hi, So Overwhelmed, I'm dead," demand your money back.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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I talk to my dad like twice a year and he still managed to dadjoke me on the phone.

Me: if the party is during the time when I'm home for Christmas I'll go, but I don't have any flexibility in my schedule. It's a small window.

Dad: I'm a truck driver. Believe me, I know all about small windows.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sara_Shenanigans
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
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My mom still won't talk to me

So my mom sent me a text asking if we had basil, thyme, rosemary, and sage. I didn't respond then she texted me again saying she's going to the store, and I need to check now. I texted her back 'I'm running out of thyme to tell you?' It's been half an hour and hasn't answered

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgtpepper95
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
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My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 256
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œI think we need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 484
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 596
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, 'My door is always open!'

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.

I said, β€œSure. My door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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